The money fight is one of the incubators for marriage problems. It probably isn’t the real problem, but more like a symptom of a deeper bunch of issues that are troublesome. There are a handful of incubators that nurture money conflict. You know about them all because you see them mentioned on the cover of every woman’s magazine while you are checking out at the grocery store. Fighting about money, as serious as it is, is in the same category as fighting about in-laws, the remote control for the TV, sex, who should be going to church, the amount of time spent away at work, etc.

Each is about the control of intimacy.

It takes a secure person to be able to work collaboratively with another, to share material possessions, a house and a home, children, sex, and yes, even money.

Here are some steps you can take to get at the real issues.

Step One: Stop the Bleeding!

No matter what the reason for your financial problems, stop right now and get yourself under control. There is nothing worse than financial stress. It creates tons of pressure and long, sleepless nights.

No matter what, stop the bleeding.

I have seen many a couple in my office on the brink of bankruptcy, or so they thought. Always, my advice is the same: go to a credit counselor. It is amazing what these people can do. The up-side is that they can take your mess and untangle it, manage you finances for you, and in the course of a couple of years get you out of debt. The down-side as far as I am concerned is that you don’t learn how to manage your own money. These folks can rescue you from a horrible mess, but after that you are on your own.Learn how to be responsible and free.

Step Two: Stop Impulsive Spending

Well, this is pretty obvious, isn’t it. See it, want it, buy it. What a bummer. Nothing can get you into trouble more quickly.
Some people are impulsive buyers because they are impulsive people.

• Is it ADHD that is affecting your buying habits?
• Are you a Ready Adventurer (see the link on our homepage) who just charges ahead, bolding going where more reasonable people wouldn’t go?
• Have you been an over-controlled and highly disciplined person for a long, long time, and now you are bursting out, acting out, and indulging like a child? This is fairly common in my practice. I’ve seen someone lavish half a million dollars on their own life over three years, all of it taken from a trusting partner. Too many years being a good and disciplined person resulted in a fuck it attitude. The result was financial disaster.
• Or maybe you are just a little sloppy and irresponsible. I know a guy who gave his wife a gift certificate to a clothing store for their anniversary. He lack confidence, born from experience, in his ability to pick the right clothing for her. It was a whopping $1000 gift for her. Well, she went and spent that, and added $1500 to the tab. Was he upset? Duh.
  No matter what the reason for the impulsivity, stop it and get it under control. Get into some therapy if you can’t stop it. Therapy would be a good place to spend your money.

Step Three: Don’t screw around with money in order to screw your spouse.

There could be some passive-aggressive behavior going on. Aggressive behavior is fairly obvious. You can see it. Aggressive behavior is pretty much in your face. Someone is angry at someone else, and they say so, and they act angry.

With passive-aggressive behavior the anger is expressed indirectly. I am too frightened or threatened to deal with you directly, so I screw you by over spending and running up a little debt.

You wont treat me well, so I’ll show you. Here, take this receipt for some new jewelry and stick it you know where.

If your spouse wont give it to you well then you might figure you are entitled to take something else in exchange. Some couples live like this. He gives her money to spend at will, but he wont give her his time. She wont give sex to him, but she wont stand in the way went he wants a new Harley.

Best to just confront the real issues directly. The passive-aggressive use of money to screw your partner, will only swing back to screw you.

Step Four: Are you fighting back at some invisible controlling force that is threatening your life? Could it be an addiction?

Some folks indulge themselves because they are engaged in what I call a death defying act.

I feel young again if I can drive this fast car, have this fast woman, hang out with this fast crowd or whatever the attachment might be.

Some folks are just addicted to stuff and they throw a lot of money at that stuff in an effort to feel satisfied somehow. I’ve seen businessmen throw money town the toilet in an effort to keep a family business alive. I’ve seen women buy expensive homes, incurring tremendous debt, in order to have something to do other than meaningful employment out in the work-a-day-world. I’ve seen young people go into tremendous debt in order to have a brand new SUV. And yes, I’ve seen people take enormous financial risks in the futures market and get their clock cleaned.

What is it that drives you to spend? What is it that you are trying to consume?

My son is on me about this constantly. What is it that we must consume? Why do they call us consumers anyway? Aren’t we being conditioned to just mindlessly consume? Are we here to consume? Is that it? Tough questions.

Addictions are attachments that have overpowered you. Get some help if you are addicted to spending.

Step Five: Is your financial problem a symptom of a big fat control drama between the two of you?

I write about control dramas often because of their prevalence.

• You wont give me intimacy, so I will take what is precious to you your money!
• Hey, if I give you money, don’t ask me for intimacy!
• Here, take some money, and then leave me alone!

You get the idea.

We can use money to control the distance between us. I’ve seen women spend a ton of cash and then come to me and say, truthfully, I’d rather be wanted for murder than not wanted at all.

Then, too, I’ve seen a man stuff money away in a sock, never sharing money with his wife and kids, because he was always afraid that if they had the financial resources to leave him, they would. Oddly, his stingy behavior made them all despise him.

Bottom line Money is whatever you make it to be.

What have you made your money be?

More help for a sexless marriage.

Ladies, help for a sexless marriage from a woman’s point of view can be found at: “Get Him In The Mood”