Comments on: Is Your Spouse A Control Freak?

By: Steve Clay

Steve Clay — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 04:19:02 +0000

I leave the country for extened periods on business. I purposely take these jobs to get away. She is afraid of swallowing a pill, taking any form of medication, and still demands that everything must be under her control; finances, banking accounts, driving the car or boat. I had to buy a second boat just to get time behind the wheel and not be ridiculed by all the other boaters and their wives. She has nevr had a job nor has she finished her HS degree. I have a BS in Engineering and an MBA. If she doesn’t get her way she has a fit, calls her mother and the police. I have been arrested for abuse numerous times and everytime the charges are dropped. She says she doesn’t want to destroy my career because we need my income and she doesn’t have one, but I need to understand her fear of alcohol and public settings. I like to sing karaoke and never have more than a couple of drinks. SHe starts bitching that I better not drink tonight even before we leave the house. None of my arrests were alcohol related and all of our children tell her to stp and cry and defend me in court. I am leaving for Kuwait in a few days. She won’t fly but I keep trying to get her to take a course to larn to fly and come visit. She also accuses me of being unfaithful. I am not. She believes everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, yet she drinks on occassion. She accuses my daughters with everything under the sun, but her daughter is perfect. I miss my girls and her daughter but stayig home is not possible. I am missing the best yers of my life hiding overseas.

By: Tommy

Tommy — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:48:16 +0000

I am what you describe – the control freak. I did not realise what I was doing. My wife left me a year ago. I now realise what a muddle I was in. I was ‘fighting the world’ for no good purpose. It took me 6 months and a prompt from a friend which allowed me to stand back and look at myself. I never set out to control my wife. We fill each other’s voids. I did not set out to bully the person I love and still love. She never stood up to me and slowly the balance tipped more and more until after 26yrs of generally happy marriage and 3 daughters she ran away from all of us. Now I understand what went wrong I believe I have completely changed. My friends and daughters say I have. I have got rid of all my ‘toys’ I have honestly changed my attitude to life and no longer am i at odds with society. How do I get this across to my wife in the hope that she will at least try me out. She has hidden herself away in a cottage in Scotland saying she is terrified of me. I have never been violent, never been rude, never been drunk etc… I just need a chance. Friends seem unable to get the message through. It is all too late as far as she is concerned yet we will both be unhappy as single people and our daughters, even though young adults, are devastated.

By: Ruby

Ruby — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 07:54:09 +0000

Kay,

I understand completely what you mean about loving your husband and not at the same time. I feel that.
And I too am almost 50 (in a few months) and find my husband still treats me like a child. But then again he treats most people that way so I know it’s not me.
Good luck!

By: Ruby

Ruby — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 07:45:23 +0000

Thank you all for your stories, they have helped me this night. I am up late tonight out of desperation and unhappiness. My husband is a control freak especially with money. He was raised by an uber-control freak Mother and Father who went along with the Mom. I have no contact now with her.
At first i thought it was me thinking that it takes two to tango in a relationship, right? I see now that for the first 4 years I enabled him, the 5th year I couldn’t take it anymore and yelled at him almost straight for about 3 mos! This slowed him down. And surprisingly he did change somewhat.
I stopped yelling finally! Over the past year I have slowly started to treat him the way he treats me. I didn’t know I had actually turned the tables on him…I didn’t plan it. It has been a self-protective move otherwise I would have left.
The sad result…..I don’t like myself anymore and have decided to stop allowing him to push my buttons…..I want to keep the good parts with him because there are many and get rid of the crappy parts (don’t know if that’s possible but I’m going to try).

If things don’t improve might have to hit the road. Wish me luck!

By: Poiyda

Poiyda — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:15:20 +0000

Hi gents,

I have been reading this web site and it is interesting to see men feeling they are also victims of control freaks. My wife, of 16 years, only just admitted she is one. For years, I felt the problems were me, my work (military and always away) were the problems in our relationship. However, my wife would make me feel like a visitor in my home and state I was not to interfere in how it was run when I was at home.

Now I am out of the military, she can not accept I am part of our family at home all the time. She admits now she is jealous of my life style ( I work part time now) and freedom I have in my life earned from 25 years of very hard work. I felt I was to blame, sought counselling, was prescribed anti depressants and tried to fit in.

Lately, I changed Doctor and was advised to cease medication and use other strategies. he suggested he felt it was not me and asked my wife to come along to a few sessions. Bingo!! These have brought out the truth now that i am a victim of an over controlling woman who is an insecure and anxious person, relating to how her mother and father treated her as a child and her fathers treatment of her mother (abusive) .

If she can not control me and the kids, she goes into tantrums, no sex for months, I can not kiss her, sleeps in the spare room, ceases assisting in the house, no prepared meals at short notice, no talking and general silent treatment of us all or yelling and screaming at us.

We have had to separate for weekends to have peace in our home. When alone with my children, they are relaxed and life is good and chores get done and there is happy communication with children’s friends over (My wife controls visitors and if/when kids friends can come over – never allowed to drop in)

She complains that I am unloving and not supportive of her and felt, heck, maybe i am that way? Men often blame themselves and feel they are the support in a family. I have now realized, it is NOT me, I am not the fault. I find it hard to love her now and I am preparing to move on, I need to in order to not go mad and to find happiness again. I have been deeply unhappy for over 10 years. My kids want to come with me and I have to now work out a plan to move along.

So men, we are sometimes the victims too, but i am sad to see so many women suffering in silence. Get out girls, live life, there is only one life, it is now and it is yours to live and enjoy. Be happy, we all have a right to that and deserve it. Don’t let others, with their inner problems ruin you. Good luck. It is a “Wide Open Road” out there.

By: Mandy

Mandy — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 11:27:05 +0000

Richard

Now single and happy with two children. 16 years of being with control freak, and verbal bully. Now ended. Kids have to see him – the law thing. Years of anguish, pain , now peace. Seen professional people to sort out my brain. Sifted through all the feelings. Totally different person now – the person I want to be. Enjoy my job and people. Don’t look back when made decision. Good luck to others. Agree with what is said by people. Life is for living.

By: babel

babel — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:35:34 +0000

the physical response to control freaks is damaging to health. I have had acid stomache and sour mouth and worry so much about my dental enamel or getting ulcers.,,my brain waves know things are not good so m..y friends know more than I tell them..avoid friends is a sure clue to a contr freak….big ego and blame others part of the negative style, hard to believe he is the the same man… romance andhe is not the person I first knew,,

By: babel

babel — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:17:54 +0000

am new to the internet but find this very helpful…me control freak says the opposite and who can use the brain to reverse what they really think and want….long periods of silence and afraid to make comments oe ask questions….kitchen and eating problem so he calls his mother…age 80 he is 60…again very neat and organized..towels hung at center…no more wine out of wine glasses because he is in charge after critcism of smudge s0 everyday glass now becasue he will not be in charge.i am leaving..

By: Joe

Joe — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 16:19:04 +0000

Hi, reading some of these comments has really helped me.

My g\f (now ex) was not jealous, possessive, aggressive and didn’t mind me seeing friends\family but was so controlling in other ways, especially domestically. I couldn’t wash up properly, clean properly, make the bed, i was clumsy, a grot etc. If she was in kitchen she would be on the laptop and i could see her watching me wash up. Sometimes she’d come over and tell me i was washing up ‘wrong’. She would take over making dinner because i wasn’t making the spag bol ‘her way’. At first i thought maybe i was clumsy,dirty etc but then I realised it was about everything I did. I am sure i did do somethings ‘wrong’ but eventually it was the CONSTANT CRITICISMS that made me a bag of nerves around her. When i challenged her she would say ‘ you make me like this’ and ‘ i have never lived with anyone as grotty as you’. She would also inspect how i washed the plates, pots etc. My self esteen, confidence was at and all time low . It was all my fault!!

It’s funny but if the house was a mess she was ok. This would not phase her. However, she would only criticize me
once i was actually in the process of washing up, cleaning etc. Basically, i was doing it ‘wrong’ . Twice i snapped back at her and she said ‘ Im sick of your temper, i never know you will blow up next’…..( she snapped far more times than me)

Once she even barked at me becuase i left a pasta sauce bottle in the larder instead of the fridge-’how many times do i have to tell you?’ Also she said ‘ I dont like you drinking so much’ if I had just 3 cans of beer on a sat night watching a movie. The strangest comment ever was ‘ you just don’t think about the consequences do you’ after I went to bed and left the kitchen light on! What consequences ??

If we were watching tv, another trait was that i wasn’t allowed an opinion on anyone or anything, if it was different to hers. She would say ‘ we just have different values don’t we, i wonder about you sometimes’ There was no room for debate- I was wrong and boy did i feel guilty about my views( not extreme bye the way). She hardly ever apologised. On one occasion she did apologise for a row she started by saying ‘I’m sorry but are you sorry too?’

Reading these sites I should have seen the signs. She was caring, loving, affectionate really early on. She complimented me and i felt so good i thought i had met the ‘one’. The funny this is it was her who wanted out as in the end everything i did just irritated her!! When we split the other week she was crying so i assumed she was upset about us finishing. Wrong. As she sobbed she said ‘ I cant believe I am single again and will have to start all over again’. No mention of me or our relationship that had just ended!!

In company she was great. My family and friends loved her. I have searched many sites and can’t pinpoint what condition she has(if at all) as she has a some but not all traits of each disorder? Anyone experienced anything like this? Any help appreciated as i am so confused by these events.

cheers
Joe

By: Gray Jones

Gray Jones — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 08:07:25 +0000

Ive been married 17 years. The first 16 years were actually great. We met and fell head over heals for one another. We had a lot in common. We liked the same restorants, movies, music, cars. colors. We grew to love one another more everyday to the point we were very compatible. We moved in together right away and then had her sister and husband move in with us and we all got along great. I got a job that paid well but required a lot of hours. and she became pregnant and we bought a nice home to start our own family. 10 years later her father started a massage business and we made a large investment into the business. My wife said she wanted to work part time as a ditrict manager. I knew I couldnt tell her NO. So I just told her that it is a management position and that I would be worried that she could turn into a control freak like some bosses I have had in the past. You know, They were great before they were a manager. So she began working as a district manager and she would hire and fire so many different managers. I noticed she liked them in the beginnig and then once they would try to give their point of view or suggestions she would get VERY upset and fire them. In 2006 my inlaws opened a new store and they asked me to run it. I put in a month notice at my high paying job and took a major pay cut to help out the family. The day I started I noticed a whole different person in my wife and her family. What jerks they were to work with. I did manage to let there BS go past me and I made the new store thrive on my own. My inlaws started to be nice and started to tell me A++ job constantly. But then I noticed my wifes attitude towards me that she didnt like the compliments I was getting and she hired a manager for my store. I told her that the store cannot afford a manager. But she snapped at me and said that we need her and I cant wait to get you out so I can have control. I got very upset and 2 months later my inlaws crashed down on me and fired me and just made the worst family fued ever. While this hurt me to the point of depression. My wife did nothing but humiliate, bash, critizise and scream at me. I never ever fought back at her before. But this time I yelled back because she just tried to control me. I helped out around the house and she just bashed me that I didnt scrub the toilet the way she does it. You name it. I got bashed for it. She would just redicule me constantly about how much better she is than I. I was just so hurt and I finally started to quit fighting her so we could get our lifes back on track and that is not working either. I cant beleive she is destroying our family just so she can have control. I got her to go to marraige councling and she convinced the councler that I got drunk everyday after I was fired. (I admit I did go on a 3 day drinking binge and that was it). Not only is she a control freak but she is good at twisting the truth around. Now she is bashing me to my children, neighbors and freinds. She tells my children that she hates me and she wants me out of the house. She tells my children that I tried to punch her but she ducked. (I have never hit my wife ever nor will I ever)In the mean time I tell my children to always love your mother. My wife is just out to destroy me now. Everything I worked so hard for is now coming to an end. I have tried and tried to reconcile but she is just too controling with her cut downs. I am to the point I know im beating a dead horse. Im better off just giving up. I have lost hope.