Are you the partner of a control freak?
Is he or she a controlling personality who likes to get their own way and ignores your own personal feelings?
Maybe you are not too sure about it and need a little help to decide. So here’s few questions you need to ask yourself to help you find out if you are in the powerful grip of a control freak…
Is this you?
- Do you have problems with your spouse or partner being bossy and domineering?
- Do you feel that they verbally and mentally bully you into submission?
- Do they have to have the last say in everything and refuse to listen to your point of view?
- Do they sulk and pout and generally make your life miserable until you give in to them?
- Do they control the finances and decide on what or what not to buy?
If you answered yes to all the above then you are living with a control freak. Control freaks are very difficult to live with as they won’t compromise because that means they are losing control of the situation. They use words as weapons to mentally bully you into submission and make you feel so bad that you take the easy way out every time just for an easy life.
Of course, it’s quite natural to want control of your own life but not to the extent of controlling everyone around you into the bargain. People who exhibit controlling behaviour patterns in a relationship have a personality disorder caused by their own feelings of anxiety and vulnerability.
Control freaks are highly manipulative, cunning, intimidating, and skilled at debate and masters at distorting the real truth in a given situation.They will resort to almost anything to get their own way no matter how wrong and illogical it may be.They simply have to be in control to feel good about themselves.
Being in control of every situation is their way of protecting themselves but they take it to such extremes that it affects everyone around them including their own partners and family. Certain types of control freaks not only have to control the situation but also have to mentally bully you into submission in order for them to feel better about themselves. They use their anger as a weapon if they can’t get their own way.
It is not easy dealing with an angry controlling spouse like this. Your humiliation and weakness empowers them. Your own self-esteem can be so affected by their bullying nature that sometimes the only solution is to walk out the door and start a new life without them.
Trying to change someone who has a domineering personality is a virtually impossible task as they don’t see things like most other people. Everything they do is geared to their own needs and woe betide anyone who tries to stop them getting what they want. They are like a spoilt child who never really grew up.
If you are under the thumb of someone like this and they refuse to change then there is no other choice but to leave for the sake of your own mental health. Suffering in silence is no solution to handling a control freak; they will treat you with the scorn that you deserve for being so weak towards them.
by Anthony Bradley
Have you been affected by a control freak? Please give us your comments in the form below.
Useful Links To Help You Deal With A Control Freak:
Stand up for yourself calmly and confidently
Too nice for your own good? You can stop that right now!
Stop being so defensive!
Put yourself first for a change
Get Rid of Victim Mentality
Assertiveness training hypnosis download
Learn how to say no and mean it!
Build your self esteem now
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Hi Hue,
That’s what I found so hard. That piece of pie (already small) just kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller. It felt like a leech just draining my emotions (and wallet !)
I think the hardest part is that the nicer I was the more I got sucked out of me until eventually there was nothing left to give. She drained my supply and by not giving anything to me to help replenish my own needs I found it hard to give back. (emtionally this has been really really hard, money didn’t bother me that much really)
Through my amateur research I have diagnosed my ex with narcissistic personality disorder. She put on the front of a perfect world to everyone and anyone who perforated that belief she got shot of quickly.
The one time she always gave it away was at night though because she was a terrible sleeper. Hardly a true self lover, but a classic narcissist who loathes themselves deep down.
Ah well – you know it’s been six months since we broke up and I’m finally getting back on track and building my self esteem again and looking to me. God – I directed so much of myself to her needs I nearly lost who I am and what I want. In some ways I must be feeling better because now I wish it had happened years earlier, but that’s life.
Life sure is a crazy journey my friends, and as a male I feel stupid to have been sucked into her swirling crazyness – but that’s the danger if you’re nice and see the best in people.
I’m moving flat and job to aid the cleansing process and start over properly after this brush with someone with such deep rooted issues.
It has been one of the hardest things to have someone I gave so much for and loved so hard to try and help then turn around and stick a knife in my chest because I could not sustain it forever, but tough as it is I think I know now for certain I am better off alone than in that poisonous relationship. In fact, my brother, said during the relationship things like this is seriously unhealthy but like an idiot I ignored him. Egg on the face all, round but with a slight returning smile as I move on.
Good luck to you all
I have been married to a control freak and am at the end of my tolerance. What stands out most to me about a control personality is that they are never really happy for anyone but themselves. If they aren’t being stroked and being told that, they are unhappy. Anyone who shows them admiration, whether deserved or not, makes them feel better about themselves. Anyone that disagrees, refuses to back down from them on an opinion, gets a serious verbal lash.
To the person above who is giving up the chance to have a child, DON”T. Just don’t do it with him. I have a child and though I know that complicates the equation, trust me, you can do it either on your own or find someone new.
My husband loves his daughter. To the point that he is now training her to be a control freak. That is why I must leave. And I deserve to be happy. I have concern that when I leave, of course, he will not be cooperative. I expect that as he won’t be in control anymore.
Life is very short and to waste it with someone like this is just slow and debilitating torture. I want out and am going to therapy to make sure I am ready and prepared to handle it right.
I met a wonderful man on the internet and couldn’t believe my luck. He was charming, polite, considerate, attentive,loving, generous,and showered me with gifts, flowers and flattery.He made me feel loved and I’m still finding little love notes around the house that he would leave for me. I fell madly in love with him. I thought it was fate that we met as he’s American & lives in Texas but was working near to where I live which is the area I placed my ad for in the UK. Our relationship quickly grew and he wanted us to be together on a permanent basis. He filed for divorce this year so that could happen. I arranged to rent out my house, take early pension and resign my job and sold off a lot off possessions in rediness of emigrating and marrying him. We were in daily contact with email, text and phone calls several times a day every day!He was also here frequently with work, I went to Texas and we even holidayed together in Spain. So we saw quite a lot of each other. It wasn’t just internet contact!
He isn’t a drunk or druggie, doesn’t gamble, hasn’t been in touble with the law, has a well paid job which he’s had for over 20yrs, has savings and is comfortably off (him being in control of the budget at home). He was very domesticated and had a thing for cleanliness & hygiene. He had ADHD in childhood. He did have a problem at work with a guy who took over his job. He resented the guy as he wasn’t as well educated or experienced as he was. This led to him getting a verbal warning at work for his attitude which I tried to warn him about but he took no notice of me. His attitude with work spanned the most part of our time together and he though he was going to get fired.
Right from the first couple of week of meeting he declared his love for me which I found strange but I thought ‘hey he’s American and they tell everyone they love them’ so didn’t think too much about it.
I won’t go into the various scenarios that occured during our time together but it included complaints, urging me to change things about myself, house, etc.giving me a 4 point plan in areas that I could improve on to make our relationship better, critisism,complained that he’d wasted enough time and energy on me, and some times even demanded that I do something.The main issue with him was that as I’m a stong willed, independent woman and am use to living on my own, being single and never married,and I have a mind of my own and am not a bimbo! I have a close set of very good friends and relatives and met them often to socialise, etc. He hated me going out with anyone and needed to know my whereabouts at all times even to the extent that I had to take him to my floral art class at nightschool one night and into where I work, which is a secure govt building, just to appease him. He made me feel guilty if I didn’t.
I knew he had insecurities and tried to make allowances for this. I put it down to his 20yr marriage of which the last 15yrs his wife cut him out of her life and refused to do anything with him except go out to dinner. She led her own life within the marriage. He always denied knowing the reason for this when I asked him.
He told me the way I socialised with friends was unaccepted in US culture and I wouldn’t be able to do it when I was in Texas. If I was enjoying myself I would forget what time it was. He didn’t want me going for a meal one night with him and then out with friends drinking the next night whilst he sat at home. (I’d tried to limit our nights out to just going for dinner to avoid any arguements if we went out to the bars as they usually ended up with up argueing.) I tried to explain that I knew I wouldn’t get the opportunity to be with friends when I left the Uk so that wouldn’t be a problem as I was leaving my friends and family behind. He wasn’t convinced and said he had concerns about my behaviour. He thought we would not have these problems of me segregating him once we were together. That was the main problem we had really. He didn’t live close enough to control me.
He thought I was being approached every time I went out by different men hitting on me. I told him this wasn’t the case at all and that I was very aware that I had a partner when I went out with friends. He wan’t convinced.
Even when we went out and had a good time he would still spoil it by pointing out something that he didn’t like that I’d said or done during the evening. Again this would lead to an argument. I even asked him why he felt the need to spoil my fun as I don’t go out to be miserable all evening. It was so bad one night that I actually didn’t want to return to my own home that night for fear of him kicking off at me again which he did and his temper absolutely terrified me that night. It was the worst I ever saw with him. I did get him to go to counselling sessions for his temper.
I didn’t realise the extent of his controlling ways. Well you don’t really when you’re in love, but family and friends told me so. I ignored their advice and continued seeing him. I found myself continually defending myself, my actions and my reasoning. I didn’t feel as though anything I did or said was good enough for him,or that I wasn’t living up to his expectations.Again I put it down to his insecurity from a failed marriage.
He would ‘kick off’ at the slightest little thing which lead to a full blown row and I’d dump him saying I couldn’t live a life treading on egg shells around him. I always forgave him though even when he hurled abuse at me either to my face, in text, phone or email after I’d dumped him. The abuse was pretty bad! I felt sorry for him and guilty that I wasn’t living up to his expectations or that I was the one that wasn’t trying. He said I was rude, abusive, disrespectful, call me names, etc.
Anyway, you get the drift of the situation now I think. In sept this year I couldn’t ignore the niggling feeling that maybe I was uprooting myself for an unsure relationship and rang him to tell him that I didn’t want to go and that I was unsure whether I loved him or not considering everything that had happened between us. A few days later my visa was turned down. This was sent back to the US to have the decision reversed but there was no guarantee that it would be. We remained in touch and he was still telling me he loved me and asked me to make a decision on whether I wanted to be with him or not as he was still willing to come and live in the UK if I didn’t want to go to, or couldn’t go to, the US. I’d decided by that time to give it a try and see what happened. I was prepared to take the risk and find out if we would work together or not and told him so. I also said I would return home if it didn’t, that I would prefer to wait the outcome of my visa application, for him to see what happened with his job, before us deciding on what to do and that we should talk about it on the phone over the weekend instead of in email.
We spoke on the phone 3 days later during which time I thought it strange that there was no emails or text messages from him. He told me he didn’t think we would work and he wasn’t willing to come to the UK because he didn’t think I loved him and would get fed up of him within a month and throw him out. (I had thrown him out of my home once a long time ago for his behaviour). He wasn’t willing to wait to find our about the visa and had decided to change his attitude at work and make peace for a better working environment. I was absolutely devestated at his decision.
If that wasn’t worse, he had gone back on the internet that weekend and picked a woman who lived locally and transferred his feelings immediately to her. They dated for 8wks and got married to each other 2wks ago. I can’t believe he got married within 8wks of us splitting up.
I had a lot of things at his house and spoke to him on the phone about shipping them back to me, which he has done but I just got a frosty reception and hostility. I knew he had found someone. He told me so in an email shortly after we broke up on the phone and in response to an email I sent him saying I didn’t understand his decision.
I rang him last week, not knowing he was married, let alone still seeing her to be met with yet again more hostility. That’s how I found out he’d married.I told him I knew he was desperate for someone to love him but I didn’t believe he would be stupid enough to marry within 8wks of knowing someone. It just seems that my life gets better and better all the time!!
How come I don’t feel the same as everyone else on here who has posted? That I don’t feel like I had a lucky escape? Instead I feel cheated, upset hurt, betrayed and miserable. That someone else is in my place and it should be me? They even married in Vegas which is where I said I always wanted to marry and which he knew. She even looks like me in height, hair, colouring, build, etc. That all our preparations for being together were just tossed aside by him? How come I regret backing out of our plans now? How could he shift his feelings for me so quickly and easily within 24hrs onto someone else? Will their marriage last having only known each other for 8wks? Maybe I was too cautious and she isn’t and sees something that I was too afraid to take the risk for. Is it true love and we weren’t? Is he capable of true love? Is he a CF or just desperate to find love and be loved after being rejected by his 1st wife? Did he love me at all. I’m filled with regret at telling him I had cold feet a couple of months ago and backed out of our arrangements especially as he didn’t seem as bad as some of the people on here with CF? How he can tell me he still loved me up to 24hrs prior to looking for someone else who lived closer to him than I did. She didn’t have as much to loose me. I was uprooting myself and would suffer financial loss if it didn’t work out. She doesn’t. He tells me she’s the best thing that’s happened to him, they married as they fell deeply in love with one another, she’s incredibly wonderful, the best thing that has happened to him and wouldn’t trade her for the world. He’s had a miraculous 2mths with her. It’s been an absolute whirlwind and he feels like he’s living a dream! He use to say similar things about me which just makes me sad and upset. Did he toss me aside because he didn’t really love me or because he thought I didn’t love him? If that’s the case I’m the one hurting now and not him. He’s going to have a fabulous holiday and I’m the one left crying.
As I didn’t believe he’d married he’s sent me an email with 5 wedding photos on to prove it and wishing me luck in the future! I can’t believe he even got married in the hat he bought when I was with him on holiday in the summer!
I know this has gone on for long enough but I’m having a hard time in getting my head around it and I’d appreciate any constructive comments as I know I’m going to be crying all over the holidays about him and wishing ‘what if’ even though I know I can’t change the past I would like to understand his actions at least. Thanks
It sounds like he is trying to rub your face in it to me. You have had a lucky escape trust me, you can be yourself without the constant critisms and the moods. He may paint the perfect picture of his marriage but do you really know whats going on behind closed doors, is she really happy, has she changed him….i doubt it. Things always happen for a reason, im a firm believer in that. I just hope that one day i find me again…..I Live with a CF and at times it is so difficult. Have actually called in sick today at work with ashtma as im so stressed and down. I am going to put my story up here because now i see i am not alone, and its not my fault. I really hope all works out for you, you deserve happiness
I met a wonderful man on the internet and couldn’t believe my luck. Considerate, attentive, loving and generous. Showered me with gifts, flowers and flattery. I fell madly in love with him. I thought it was fate that we met. He’s American and lives in Texas but was working near to where I live in the Uk which is the area I placed the ad for. We met up just for a drink and company for us both. He had been married for 20yrs at that time. He returned home and I thought I would never see him again. Then flowers arrived from him and we started emailing each other. The relationship quickly developed. We saw quite a lot of each other both here and in the US and even went to Spain on holiday. We emailed, text and rang each other daily. Several times a day.
He wanted us to be together and to marry so he filed for divorce. His wife having excluded him from her life over 15yrs ago. He claimed to never know the reason for this when I asked him. I knew he didn’t want to admit it to me as it would probably have put him in a bad light. I also found it strange that he professed to love me from a very early stage. But love is blind and I let it go. I put it down to him being American and they tell everyone they love them!
He isn’t an alcoholic, no drug use, doesn’t gamble, has a good well paid job for over 20yrs, never been in trouble with the law, has savings and is comfortably off. He controlled the household budget. He did have issues at work especially with one bloke who took over his job. He thought him inferior, less well educated and inexperienced and unworthy of replacing him. His attitude was so bad at work for most of our relationship that he ended up getting a verbal warning at work. I warned him this would happen but he ignored my advice.
I arranged to rent out my house, sold off a lot of possessions, was taking my pension early and resigning my job to join him. We planned to marry in Fort Worth. Bit by bit he started with the insults, critisism, suggestions of how I could change things about myself or the house, etc. He turned my friends and family against him with things he’d said to me and how he treated me. The major problems we had was with me going out with friends. He didn’t like it one bit. I told him it felt like he was trying to clip my wings. He often would spoil my enjoyment the day after by ‘having a go at me’ over it. He even did it when we went out together if I’d had a good time. He felt the need to spoil it for me by complaining about something I’d said or done. He thought a lot of our problems stemmed from us being apart and that it wouldn’t be a problem when we were together in the US. He needed to know my whereabouts at all times. I had to take him to my floral art class and into work as he wore me down until I gave in.
I lost count of the number of times that I dumped him as I didn’t want a life of feeling like I was treading on eggshells around him. Fearing that some innocent comment I made would trigger his temper and his verbal abuse. Everytime I dumped him he would send me nasty, cruel, vicious, hurtful, messages by phone, text and email. I put this down to anger in rejecting him. I always felt guilty and out of pity I always took him back. I kept thinking of how things between us had been and maybe still could be and to be truthful I missed being part of a couple. He continually blamed me for destroying our relationship. Everything was my fault. He even sent me a 4 point action plan on areas that I could improve on for our relationship to be better!
I applied for my visa to go to the US in Sept this year. A couple of days beforehand I realised that I didn’t know if I was moving out there for the wrong reasons. I had got wrapped up in all the preparation and organisation without actually thinking what my life with him would be like. He’d chipped away at my feelings for him to the extent that I didn’t know if I loved him or not. I rang him and told him all this. Obviously he wasn’t very happy, was upset which turned to anger. During the following 3wks we stayed in contact and he was still telling me he loved me and would move to the UK instead. At that time he thought he would get fired from his job. (My visa was turned down initially but I had to await the outcome of whether or not that decision was going to be reversed. That would take 14wks.) We emailed each other discussing this and agreed to talk over our plans for the future on the phone that weekend. I wanted us to wait for the outcome of my visa and for him to know whether he still had a job before we decided on where to live. At that point I had agreed to give it a go and move over to him if my visa was granted. I told him that if I didn’t like it or it didn’t work out with us then I would just come back home.
We did speak on the phone but he called everything off saying he didn’t think it would work out with us. He thought I would get fed up of him within a month of him being in the UK so he wasn’t prepared to give up his job. He’d decided to change his attitude at work to make things better to keep his job. He wasn’t hopeful that I would get my visa and thought I would leave him anyway within 12mths of joining him. I was absolutely devasted at his decision.
I thought it strange that there was no email from him or text messages that weekend but now know that he went straight back on the internet site he found me on and picked someone else who lived more local to him. They married within 8wks of meeting which was 2wks ago. I’m still in shock at his actions and can’t get my head around how he could do this. I rang him recently, I suppose to see if there was anything of our relationship to salvage, as we’d done in the past, which is how I found out he’d married. I didn’t believe it so he emailed me and sent me wedding photos to prove it! He says she’s the best thing to happen to him, he wouldn’t trade her for the world, the past 2mths have been a whirlwind and he’s living a dream! It felt like he’d ripped my heart out.
How can he shift his love for me so quickly, within 24hrs, to someone else? Did he love me at all?
Why the sudden decision to end us?
Maybe she didn’t have as much to give up as I did in relocating to him. She has everything to gain now that she’s married him.
Is it possible that it’s true love? Can it possibly last as they’ve only known each other for 8wks?
Did I make the right decision in changing my mind about joining him if she’s married him so quickly?
Will he return to me if it doesn’t work out so that I can be prepared for it?
Is he a CF or just desperate to find love and be loved in return? He didn’t seem to be as bad as some of the CF’s mentioned on this site. Maybe I made a mistake and misjudged him?
My visa was granted and I could have joined him after all so now I’m full of regrets and ‘what ifs’ and regret the decision I made in Sept.
How come I don’t feel like most people in that I had a lucky escape? How come I feel I’ve been robbed out of my future and that it should be me that’s married to him?
I’m sat at home alone for the holidays and I know I’m going to be spending the time crying. He’s going to have a very different holiday to me that’s for sure as they’ve ‘fallen deeply in love with one another which is why they married.’
I’d be grateful for any advice that anyone has in order to take try to understand his actions and to take away the hurt and pain I feel at the moment. I know the shock will wear off in time but I can’t eat, sleep or concentrate on anything else at the moment.
Diane,
You’ve had a lucky escape imo. If you had married this man you may have regretted it later. You are angry at what has happened and thats why you can’t concentrate. If your anger is not expressed it may turn inwards to become depression and that means being unwell.
You need closure on this and I suggest you may find it by understanding this mans behaviour. This thread is about control freaks and although not all CF’s are Narcissists. All Narcissists are CF’s. I also suggest you study Narcissism at this link to see if this man has any similarities (I suggest you persevere rather than dismiss it after a quick look as I did)!
http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com (its written by a lay person who has also had a book published on this personality disorder).
If you try to rationalise the behaviour of a Narcissist, which this man may be, based on your experience of “normal” people you will find your mind spinning in an “it does not compute” fashion. If you rationalise a Narcissist based on a knowledge of NPD you will find it does “compute” according to the bizarre terms of reference they use. Your friend exhibits bizarre behaviour as you are aware!
You can also visit narcissism chat rooms where others who have been in your situation can compare notes and heal. Don’t underestimate the amount of damage a narcissist can do to someone else.
Good Luck
jbgood
Hi Diane,
I read your post and you have my sympathy, you really do. You have had a brush with someone who sees the world in a completely distorted manner and I would seriously recommend you follow JBgood’s advice and read all you can about narcissitic personlity disorder.
You are right at the start of the journey. I was exactly the same as you when it went wrong with my CF ex. You are stunned and cannot believe they have walked on straight away. The people who have posted here are further along the journey and are relieved to be finding themselves again. That’s why you’re not feeling like them yet.
I found the best way to deal with those feelings of anger, upset, disappointment, disillusion was to understand the nature of the beast I was fighting so to speak. Once you have an understandng of what is wrong with them then I found I could release those feelings and begin to move on.
I guarantee you that if you can hold yourself together, not contact him and just hold those feelings of something is wrong and I need to reconcile it with him in check, the illusion he had you under will disappear and you will realise that you are better off without him and you will actually feel sorry for this woman he has married.
Hard to believe but true.
Having a leech drain you of emotions and then move on is horrendous and flies in the face of all that is good in relationships; love, honesty, trust, give and take.
My advice is to turn around and confront these feelings face on. Don’t ignore them because the emotional damage he has inflicted will impact on future relationships. Take your time, heal and remember what you’ve learned from your experience.
You can do it I know….
David
Diane, your feelings are very normal for someone who’s come out of a controlling relationship. Its normal to feel shocked, bewildered, angry, resentful, foolish, and upset when the relationship ends. You ask and berate yourself over how you failed to spot the warning signs before you became committed, why you allowed yourself to be rushed into some sort of permanent arrangement such as living together, but the fact is that control freaks are extremely good at hiding their real thoughts and feelings. Plus hindsight is a such a wonderful thing.
We all tell little white lies from time to time, if only to spare us or others from socially awkward or embarrassing situations, but control freaks lie and obfuscate as a matter of course. They alter or leave out vital facts that make them look bad and could give us an idea of what they are really like. They will claim to have been the one to end the previous relationship, when in truth their partner left them.
My girlfriend claimed not to have had a relationship in the two years before she met me. In fact she had and that man left her, as had the previous one. She once asked me if I found it stressful living with her, a strange question under the circumstances, but clearly an accusation that had been levelled at her in the past.
She told me an old friend’s wife was leaving him because of his drinking, clearly a way of justifying why she was moving out (as in, “plenty of other people leave their partners because they like to have a six-pack or four or five glasses of wine on a Saturday night. What I’m doing is normal and you’re not normal.”) In fact the wife, who was much younger than the husband, had been having an affair for the last three years and wanted to move in with her lover.
Trust is the key to any relationship and to establish trust means being truthful. Normal people enter relationships because they want to be with the other person; control freaks need the relationship to feed their warped emotional needs. Normal people ask questions about each other and are truthful when important ones are asked. They don’t really mind being asked intrusive, follow-up questions.
Control freaks are consumate liars and emotional con artists. They will brush aside difficult questions with an airy “it’s all in the past, ancient history.” They will say almost anything to draw you in and once you are, they will set about breaking you down.
They will question everything you say or do and rubbish your views and values. They will refuse to listen to good advice then blame you when things predictably go wrong. They will claim that your (very normal) behaviour is abnormal, anti-social, and embarrassing. They will systematically undermine your self-esteem and sense of self-worth and question your character and personality.
Trying to get a control freak to see reason is impossible. It’s like playing poker with a card sharp who’s using a marked deck. They might let you win a few hands where the stakes are small (e.g. they might listen to advice on a trivial issue and thank you profusely for it) but when they sense they have a strong hand and you don’t (e.g. they have picked up on a habit or pastime that you enjoy but may be regarded by some as unhealthy or potentially dangerous), then they will up the ante to the point where your choice is to keep playing in the hope of winning or fold and lose your stake money (i.e. give in to their unreasonable demands and lose your pride and dignity). Only, you have no hope of winning.
Your only choice is to walk away from the game, because it is a game, and deal with the financial (read: emotional) loss. What you have to understand is that you have been fooled, scammed, by someone who is a professional when the rest of us are rank amateurs. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
We often stay with such people for longer than necessary because we hope that things will get better, that it’s just a rough patch we’re going through. Normal people do that. Hope is a very normal human emotion. We wonder after the event if things might have got better if only we had made more of an effort before the relationship ended.
In truth that is a symptom of a hopeful attitude but in time you will come to realise that the situation was in fact hopeless. No normal relationship is based on the emotional subjugation of one partner by the other. You will never always agree with your friends and family, but that is no reason to reject them or set about trying to change them and the same holds with a partner.
It’s a cliche to say that time is a great healer but it’s still true. I’m still dealing with stress accumulated over the last year. Four months after I left my girlfriend I found myself feeling stressed and angry as Christmas approached. The previous Christmas had been, in a word, wonderful and I felt resentful that all that had been taken away from me by someone who had used me to fill some emotional void. I realise that such feelings, whilst quite normal, were also irrational.
I also realise that things are gradually becoming easier, that I can go about my daily life without it feeling like some enormous struggle. It just takes time, and a knowledge of how to manage stress. Above all – time.
Just call me “Won’t Say” because my cute and charming GF/CF loves google. I read through most of these stories and I feel like I’ve tasted sanity for the first time in a long time.
I’m just so drained… and Sheila’s story about her mum almost perfectly describes my girlfiend. We have kids together, we have a house in my name which is now underwater, we have great jobs, I get along great with her side of the family; we don’t have money or cheating problems and I really do love her…
But she’s changed in to someone that is never happy with anything I do, and random arguments about how to properly wash dishes are just the tip of the iceberg.
I wish things could go back to the way they were when we first met, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid that I’ll have no choice but to abandon my entire life, move accross country and try to pick up the pieces and start fresh.
She’s not just a CF… She’s threatened to ruin my job and career in past fights… but I can’t imagine leaving my children…
Re my posting of 23.12.08
Thanks to Mike, David and Jbgood for your advice.
I was struggling to comprehend how my partner had decided to end our relationship after we’d worked so hard and put so much time and effort, for almost 2yrs, in a long distance relationship to make it happen.
I took your advice and have read lots of articles on NPD, CF and abusive partners. I now have a better understanding of why he was like he was with me during the time we were together and why he took the decision to end our relationship completely, and then immediately, within 24hrs moved his affection onto someone else and then to get married within 8wks of knowing each other.
When we first met he didn’t think I would be interested in him. He told me that he never usually got someone like me wanting to date him! Even though I was willing to relocate for him I only agreed to live with him and not marry him. If it didn’t work out, then I would come back home to the UK. (He’d previously told me that he thought I would have left him within 12mths of joining him.) A ‘normal’ guy, which is what I thought he was at the time, wouldn’t have had a problem with that level of commitment. He did, obviously, so he abandoned me for fear that I would do it to him in the future.
Never having encountered someone with narcissistic tendencies before was what was confusing me as it didn’t seem the normal response of a ‘normal’ person.
Understanding him better, in that it is something that he can’t control, only makes me feel that I would have responded differently to him at the time when he showed signs of unfounded jealousy, manipulation, anger, etc. If I’d had that knowledge and info at the time I would have know that I needed to set boundaries with him instead of always taking the blame for everything that he thought was wrong in our relationship.
I’m still very upset and disappointed about his actions but I’m not angry. I’ve lost a stone in weight. I can’t think of anything else, even 3mths after we broke up. I’m still not sleeping very well and still burst into tears unexpectedly. Xmas went by in a bit of a blur.
You mentioned that I should feel sorry for his new wife, and that I should consider that I’ve had a lucky escape. I STILL don’t feel that way. I still think it should be me that’s with him now and I know I’ve adopted the attitude that their marriage can’t possibly last having only known each for 8wks. I know that I’m just waiting for him to get back in touch again with me saying he made a mistake and I would take him back. That’s the only thing keeping me going at the moment.
Diane
Hi Diane,
I know this sounds really hard because you’re feeling in relationship recovery mode…. and CF’s feed off this mechanism to keep you manipulated.
Every normal person thinks oh something’s wrong here and looks at themselves to try and make things right and the relationship work. If both of you have that attitude then the relationship may work.
Unfortunately and sadly with a CF they are not thinking this and it is entirely a one way traffic situation. You will give and they will take, and never give back to hit a middle ground.
In a sense they abuse that normal mechanism and just milk it to get more and more out of you…
If you can put the emotion to one side for just a minute and think cooly and calmly and ask yourself some questions. Would he have done what he did if he truely loved you? what did he actually input into the relationship? is the only way it would have worked entirely on his terms or the highway?
If the answer to these questions is yes then in the cold light of day you have had a lucky escape. If somehow you can break the relationship recovery mode in time you will feel that way too I am sure, but I know how desperately hard it is when you’ve given yourself to someone no matter how much of an abuser manipulator they are…
Good luck and if he calls just think those same questions if you can…
I am in the midst of leaving my wife of 21 years, she is a control freak and it looks like I will be moving out in the next week or two, I’ve read a lot of posts and it’s like reading some of my own experiences, I sometimes found myself not knowing what to do, but reading stuff like this has only validated what I’m feeling and it’s unbelievebale some of the stuff I read here, it’s just the same thing I’m going through and I’m glad I found this forum to post too and I hope to gain strength and knowledge from you folks, I have a close friend that I talk too alot and my parents have been instrumental and sharing details with me that I didn’t know about my wife and her behavior, things that they haven’t discussed with each other, but shared with me, I hve step parents, let me clarify, but one of the things they pointed out was when talking to my wife, she talks about things over and over again, I read where this was to help hide her anxiety, anyone else know about this? I look forward to much discussion as I journey on and my quest to be finally Happy. We are both miserable, but she’s the control freak, I don’t know why she is miserable, I guess because I won’t comply with her on things she insist on, so we argue, but I’m moving out and I’m going to end that, not sure what lies ahead, but one thing is for sure….I’ll be happy, I’ve spoke with my 2 boys about it and they are 100% behind me and they are ok with it, they are 14 and 18, they’ll be fine and the stars are aligning with this and the window of opportunity is there and I’m going to take it.
i have lived with one for two years. it was very quick and intence but so was the controlling..so it was mistaken for love.i have lost alot in two years including who i am . my social life..friends..family..and my children all suffered but there is life. you wake up one day and decide life aint a rehersal and feel posotive about taking that vital step to break away before it breaks you.
Claire,
I know what you mean by not having a social life and no friends, people stop coming by, she basically shut out friends and most relatives from coming to our house, once my parents decided to drop in and when they got there, things were fine, but when they left, she was furious that they had dropped in with no time to clean our house, which is spotless by the way, you thought the queen was coming, but it stays clean so no worries about who drops by, I don’t care, but it throws her for a loop and she can’t handle it. My children suffer too and have expressed some things about her behavior, I committed myself to my boys about 9 years ago and promised I would stay for them and get them to a point where I felt it was best they could understand it and I basically put up with her all those years, but there was some good times too, I tolerate a lot and she’s just taking advantage of me, I cook every night and on weekends when I ask the boys to fix their own lunch, like a sandwich or something, I catch hell because I won’t do it for them, they are 18 and 14, Why am I catching hell for something they can clearly do themselves? I am now understanding this behavior, but she don’t like them doing chores, she wants me to do basically everything except what she chooses to do and that’s very little. I cook, I clean the house and do clothes, granted she does it sometimes, she does very little, I think because she did that alot as a teenager, she’s basically said “I’m done with it, I have someone who will do that and I’m retiring from work at home”…she keeps herself busy doing “Nothing work”, busy body stuff, spending hours on the budget or a lot of time on things that normal people could do in a half hour or so, it’s just so weird. Anyone else encounter this?
Yes, I was married to a control freak for 20 years. My life and my kids’ lives were miserable. He controlled me even to the point of what feminine hygiene products I could use, shaving underarms, haircut, etc. etc. You all know. He was manipulative to the point where if I didn’t agree with something, he would just argue, argue, argue and hurl abusive remarks to me in front of the kids, no respect for my feeling whatsoever. He isolated me from my loving family and friends. They could see what he was like. My mother warned me not to marry him, but I didn’t listen, fool I was. Well, he even was controlling that when we argued and I threatened divorce, he would threaten to kill himself, again making me feel guilty and turn back to him. That is a real “Control Freak” even controlling my feelings. I could go on forever on here. I’m still recovering from this so called relationship. It was all one sided, loving him and he loving him as well. He had to have the best of everything and anything can do for me even to the point of risking my life by making me buy an old car that needed a lot of repair and was dangerous to drive. Me and the kids didn’t matter as long as he got what he wanted, 3 trips to Europe, an expensive watch, brand new cars, etc, etc. I was the one working for all these goodies and then when I came home a little late because of transport, I was yelled at when I came in the door because HE was waiting for me to cook his dinner. Oh boy, I have only been away from this man for just a little over a year, but I can feel healing already, even though I keep still thinking at times I am going to be yelled at or am being looked at what I am doing or the kids not putting stuff where it should be, etc. He even nearly killed my son on a couple of occasions. Now he thinks he can manipulate me still by telling me that he has found another women and that I never showed him any affection. Trying to make me feel that it was my fault the marriage ended….. Well, he didn’t even want to get counselling cause he had the idea that counsellors were just ordinary people like us and how could they know how to fix things…..
I just think its better to be alone then living with a controlling, abusive, toxic person in one’s life. It takes a lot of recovery I tell you. They leave you feeling like a “nothing” and depending on them for your life!!
I first met my CF when i was 16. Incidentally, my dad is also a major CF, my mum is a nervous wreck with no self confidence, no bank account of her own, no job (she’s not allowed), etc etc.
After 7 years I had a nervous breakdown due to running a business for him and working over 110 hours each week and then suffered with my first ever bout of depression that lasted for over 15 months. After I got better I realised I wasn’t happy working for him, and that I needed to follow my own muddled path. It also finally dawned on me that he was never going to marry me (as he was so convinced I would leave him and take half his money etc), that he would forever never support me in what I wanted to do, (only his suggestions were worthy) that he was very aggressive and had started throwing things in my direction, (running after me with an ironing board once!), that i walked around on egg shells all the time incase he flew off the handle, that he was sexually dysfunctional (he loved porn, and was extremely domineering in the bedroom), there were countless other reasons.
So I broke up with him. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to budget since I had never lived on my own before, and got into £2000 of debt.
To cut a long story short I got back with him after 6 months and after he begged my forgiveness and promised he was a changed man. I went back, and he was everything I had ever hoped for. Within 3 months he resorted to being his old self…. except he was worse. Now he called me names like ‘whore’ (as I had had a couple of boyfriends when we were not together) and treated me so in the bedroom. So after a year of being back together I had to leave again as he was behaving so terribly and I just knew I was being continually punished for ever having left him.
Just want to add something else. You know after the initial feeling of freedom from him, I am now starting to feel a little lost as to what is going to happen in my life. I get all anxious and depressed just thinking about it. I feel that he has taken the best years of my life and although I am not certain about it, he is off enjoying himself with his new lover. He told me recently that he was very sick, so I don’t think a new lover will look after him like I used to. All he has to his name is his car and a two bob business, which I don’t think will last very long with the way he treats people anyway. I keep saying these things to myself to make myself feel better and to feel good that he will not be happy after all the hard stuff he put me through. The kids are more optimistic about it than I am. I suppose they feel great he is no longer on their backs about every little thing they do wrong. By the way, forgot to mention that he was also very jealous of my love for our children. He used to always tell me I loved them more than him.
Has anyone else been through this or felt this way? If so, please help me come to terms with what lies ahead for me. I feel that I need to talk to a real person about my problems but my emotions go up and down like a yoyo…. is that what happens to us poor victims of control freaks/abusers/toxic people?
Hey Martha – I felt exactly the same way. It takes a real long time to get fully over the bause suffered at the hands of a control freak.
All I can say is that as time passed and I began to feel better those sudden moments when I would suddenly doubt myself and say why on earth don’t I ring her and try and get back together got further and further apart.
I have now started dating again after a year and I’m seeing really nice people who you can talk to and you realise just how screwed up control freaks are. They are genuinely messed up beyond repair.
Now I’ve seen some nice people I realise I will be happier with them, the only thing that holds me back sometimes is that feeling of I gave so much and if only she’d just have been a bit more reasonable, but that’s a what if. I couldn’t have changed her so it had to end and now I have the chance to find the love of my life and to make love to and share things with and feel loved back.
If you can get past those feelings of attachment to someone who is seriously damaging to your emotional health then you will feel it to….
Hi David,
Yeah, I suppose its easier for you guys to go out there and start again. I just feel that I have nothing to look foward to in my life except the life that I have been left with!! No self esteem, taken for a ride all my life, trodden on, etc,etc. You see, my ex was not only a control freak, but an emotionally and verbally abusive person. Like Jenny, I got called all sorts of names, bitch, slut, whore, etc. Beleive me, I did everything to try to please that man. I think I even gave up my personality to please him!! Like I said before, I just feel like a “nothing”. I just hope I get over this feeling fast becaue I feel it is killing me more and more. I am trying to regain my sanity and get on with my life, but because all I ever did was please that man, I jsut don’t know what I need to do to regain my life…..
I am just praying that God will have mercy on me and take me away from all of this. I feel I just can’t cope anymore. Its to much to bear.
All I have is my kids….. my family stand by me, but I just feel so lonely in my plight to recover from the monster that I knew for so long.
All I ask is that God will hear my prayers and save me from myself……
I was so stupid to let this man rule my life for so long. Like I said, I feel like a “nothing” after all of this.
Hi David,
I know what you mean when you say “you gave so much”. That is why I feel so empty now, having given all I had to that selfish so and so. I still keep feeling that I can’t see a resolution to my depression at times. I am going to go to counselling to see if that can help. I think mainly its the loneliness taht I feel, even though I have the three kids at home, its not the same as a partner to share things with. He never looked after me at all, thats why I feel to stupid after I took him back twice and he had slept around as well and like Jenny, he used to call me a slut and a whore and HE was the one doing the sleeping around!!
You know they say it takes 1 year for every 5 years of marriage to get over it. Thats why I am a bit hesitant to get involved just yet. I feel that I will just go and find someone who will treat me the same (or I should say “I’m afraid that I might).
Well David, I just hope your new relationship work out. I know men fall into a new relationship quicker than women because they need the physical side of a relationship, but just take it easy.
I think its working now. hehe.
David, I just wanted to say thanks for your advice. Yes, I know there are normal loving people out there who are interested in your well being and not just constantly thinking about themselves and what they can get out of you….like we now our “control freaks” do to us.
After being with one person for 20 odd years though, it takes a bit of time I think. They say that for every 5 years of marriage it takes one year to get over!! Thats depressing isn’t it. I just hope I can get over mine a lot quicker. One just has to be careful that you don’t enter anther relationship too soon for the sake of filling a void or need that our ex partners have left, I think anyway. Otherwise, its not fair to that new person in your life. I think the best way is to take your time and things will happen. I am hoping anyway that will be the case for me. Because, after being so possessed by someone, it is taking me a little while to fee free to do what I like and be who I used to be (finding myself is hard).
Hey Martha – I’m glad I helped a little…
20 years sure is a long time indeed. I was with mine for four years and was getting ready to propose so not nearly as long as you… I think that you have mentioned something that I hadn’t fully thought of before and that is the bit about getting lost in my relationship and the needs of the other person. It’s been nearly a year since we split up and I still am trying to find myself! What do I want to do. What do I like. What interests me. So much of my energy and energies were devoted to ensuring she was always OK that I neglected myself badly….In some ways it’s nice but I’m out of my comfort zone. Some people have even said look how you’ve changed since you broke up. I no longer take any old rubbish off people and am learning to stick up for myself and my needs a bit and it feels really good to not just keep putting my needs to one side constantly, and not be criticised for doing so like my ex used to do if I ever stood up to her.
I am still not ready for a serious relationship I don’t think but I’m putting my toe in the water in relation to dating and meeting nice people, but no one has really made my heart beat faster and it’s more just find someone attractive to talk to.
I think once I can find more of who I am then I will know who I’m looking for in my ideal partner.If I can see what makes me laugh, smile, cry, get angry, what behaviour I will accept and what behaviour I will not tolerate in others (instead of accepting anything) and what makes me tick then I will be much happier and will have a much better idea of what will make me fall in love with the right kind of person who is compatible.
This board has been very therapeutic for me… but boy after giving myself so freeely and totally and utterly and then getting a proper kick in the guts when I suddenly found out I’d pinned my hopes on a real bad egg sure has been sooooo difficult.
Living with a control freak is very hard, yes he does work hard,i’m reminded constantly!!but he has his own holidays to make up for it,,but what of my contibution, i raise the children, and he doesntlift a finger when hes home,not every day is bad however it feels that you can never satisfy these people and yes i’ve considered separation on bad days as the only future, though doing it with children would be hard,wont marry me (excuse after excuse)is there a future!!scary
also wanted to ask as i’ve read various comments,some that are so similar to me, what do you do to improve the relationship, can it be improved or do you put up with it? i get the sulks if sex is denied,i’m no prude but daily is enough,the insults, ie your scared ,your twisted, your malishous etc, his mum has depresion(caused by his dad) but are we heading same way! i locked him out the house recently due to his temper,it seems most of his family are like this, you darn’t sey no to his sis!!i too can have a temper though i only show it when pushed for a long time!there is more to life than pleasing someone who talks to you like dirt,asks you of your ware aboutsthough lack of trust,i’m dreading my youngest starting school in september!!(he will have to have me under surveilance doing the housework!!!)i’m a slave and i no it,help!!
Hey Nell,
I can only say the only way out, is get out before its too late. I wanted to help my ex with counselling but he just thought that how can another human help a human!! Thats just another controlling thing. I have just finished reading Tears and Healing
– really great book!
If you want to keep your self esteem (unlike me – I didn’t have any left) – then either leave this controller or just put your foot down. Although I must say as well, that when I did, he didn’t like it and caused a lot of arguing with me and the kids.
He just always wanted his way or no way. Please read all my comments above. These people are bad. There is also a great website called “toxic relationships”. Just google that and you will find a lot of info on their website. Oh man, when I first read it, I was reading my biography.
Believe me Nell, I am still recovering. Now I’m starting to get my life back doing stuff that I want and its a bit scary at first, always thinking you need approval but I am sure it will all work out someday. I find a great deal of solice in praying, especially on my dark days.
I’ve read others comments and I didn’t really believe people like that even really exist!!???..well I recently dated a control freak for seven months and just cut him loose..the last request that was the last straw was when he gave me made me choose my best guy friend I’ve known for nine years over him.I told him no one gives me ultimatums and dropped his controlling ass.
there were other red flags before in the relationship but I tried working thru them (he claimed to try and work at things but it was more of me doing the work..)and then I started to wonder if It was really me..was I the one doing everything wrong?..I was walking on eggshells.
I trust my gut..if you feel oyu have to change yourself to make someone happy then it isn’t healthy.I’m a pretty rational, tough gal but a control freak is so good at manipulation they can have you questioning yourself! Get out ASAP.
Diane,
I FEEL FOR YOU! I just got dumped 2 weekends ago by my boyfriend of a year who I met online who I thought was my ‘DREAM MAN’. He was handsome, charming, divorced, family oriented, everything about him made me swoon….
I am devastated and I am having a very hard time getting over this. I RELOCATED MY entire life from a metropolitan city to a suburb to be with this guy and his very troubled teen son.
This is a man who told me EVERY SINGLE DAY how much he loved me and was thinking about me. His family loved me. When things were great, they were amazing, HE was amazing, but when ‘he’ turned bad, he turned mean and evil. Controlling beyond belief and just mean. It was ALL MY FAULT. He would NEVER EVER allow me to talk to him unless he was talking AT ME.
He would have to pick up a speck of dirt and quickly dispose of it. NOTHING i did was ever ‘good enough’ or ‘right’. He hated the fact that I never wore a bathing suit to his parents pool, that it embarrassed HIM, that he never dated a woman who didn’t wash their hair every single night and he always told me not to get up from the dinner table before he was done.
This is a man who gave me a flashlight for our first xmas/holiday together. I gave him an HDTV which he told me to take back, he didn’t need it.
This is a man who YELLED at me when I couldn’t find Main Street in his neighborhood and I didn’t drive a car but he lived there his whole life.
This is man who called me an idiot because I didn’t do something his way and proceeded to tell me that he doesn’t understand how i got to my point in life at my age.
I’m an accomplished executive from a major city, i’m smart, and nice and pretty and making much more money than he ever will.
I admit, I came with obstacles. I didn’t drive and was petrified of getting in that car, I had to rent out my apt which was not easy, I did not have a job, the job search was horrific there, and he has a very troubled son. His divorce was the most bitter I have ever heard of! Ok, but why???
He told me I didn’t know how to do anything right. He reprimanded me for starting to eat our salads before HE got to the table. He reprimanded me for not putting the dishes in their proper place in the dishwasher. He reprimanded me for taking out the wet laundry and putting it into the basket.
One day we were at the Mall. His son left a store we were in because he was embarrased to be with his father when his friends walked in. this person yelled at him, in public, and told us the day was over!!!!! we got into the car, he was yelling at his son and all I said to difuse the situation was “lets get food”. Well… i proceeded to get reprimaded at home for what he THOUGHT IN HIS DISTORTED MIND that I was telling him how to parent his kid.
it goes on and on. I turned angry, bitter and resentful of him and at the end didn’t quite frankly give a hoot about what he thought of me I was so pissed off at this point. He pulled away, I knew it and last Sunday was the worst day of my life going back to his house to get some stuff, so I can stay in a hotel!!!!!! this bastard takes a phone call from another woman when my body isn’t even cold yet!
after I had MOVED MY LIFE to be with this man. Was I always easy??? No, but i didn’t deserve this. I still love him and if he asked for me back, i’d go, but i also despise him at the same time.
I have to see him tomorrow when I return to the state. It will be hard. I know he is with someone else – and I know he was putting out his ‘feelers’ while I was still sleeping in his bed in his house. It kills me.
Sometimes I think I can’t go on, but i have this amazing job that is keeping me there.
What can I do except keep going… my life is a wreck because of him mentally and emotionally. Someone in this chain said TIME…. I hope to god you’re right because this is the most painful thing I have ever endured.
Hi Cindy,
Just be grateful you were only with this controller for a year…. I was with mine for 20 years of marriage plus the courting period which only lasted for 1 1/2 years because of controlling and pushiness to get married so he can take over my life…. Like I said above, be glad you got out early. If you need some articles to read to make you feel happy go to http://www.shannoncook.com she gives great advice.
Also I have done a lot of reading on these type of men, they are also abusive emotionally and verbally, like my ex was, to both myself and my three children. I just hope these men never find happiness with future relationships because all they do is mess everyone up.
Be grateful you were there only a short time…. believe me otherwise it gets harder as time goes on. I gave my ex two chances to change. We separated for a year on each occasion and he even had lovers during that time and I TOOK HIM BACK!! what an idiot I was. He just made me feel so insecure and dependent upon him that I thought no one could take his place, but I am sure I don’t want someone like him ever again. Be happy you have a good job and things will work out. All the best
Sorry Cindy,
That website should have been http://www.stopyourtoxrelationships.com – its really good reading and helpful.
http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com
sorry my spelling was wrong = but its a great site believe me. This is the first site that I visited when I realised my ex was a controller, etc….. really helps you to relate to
I am the control freak in my family. I don’t know how to stop it and have been in therapy before but now can’t afford it. I am so scared my husband will leave me that I feel like if I just keep pushing him then I know he will leave me and I can say told you so!! I don’t know what my problem is, I do know that I have never been good enough ever. My Father was constantly comparing me to others. My Mother the same. I guess I just want to apologize to everyone out there who has or is on the recieving end of a control freak, I know I don’t want to be like that anymore but I am at a loss at how to let my control go. It’s my life!! I don’t know any other way to live.
My GF is a control freak, she always tells me things to do, even keep all the finance in her hand to control everything. The most frustrating moments are those when i raise an objection on something she does which i dont like, the responce is very harsh, she says such things to me or project my personality in such a way that i am the worse person in the universe and i dont have any good feelings for her, now the question is leaving her behind is not possible for me, she is the only person/friend i have at the moment worst of all i am jobless thease days due to Globle economic crises.
My BF is a serious control freak. He was not always this way, when we first started dating he would take me to nice dinners, to his favorite bar, he would show me a real good time. Well after dating about a year, we decided to move in with one another, I am a single mother and have 2 small boys.
He is so good at cleaning, obsesive more like it. He freaks when there is a shirt on the floor in our room unless it is his shirt. I feel like I have lost my identity. Whenever i confront him on his controlling, he answers: I am wrong you are right. It really pisses me off, I am not able to get a word out.
He gets so crazy sometimes, When we go to the store to get a specific thing, I am only allowed to get that thing. I am not allowed to get anything else. If i suggest anything, he says why do we need this. We are always on a schedule. I don’t feel like i have any control of my life ever since he moved in. I know that it will take some time for him to get settled in my house, but he just recently started yelling at the top of his lungs, out in public, shouting I hate myself, I hate my life. well then i start to question why are you with me? I am in your life, so do you hate me? do you hate the kids?
I am not sure what to do… i just stand there now and let him do it. I feel like I am watching a 3 year old throwing a fit. Then when I tell him we can figure out a way to fix whatever the problem is, he completely turns happy.
when he cuts me down, i don’t know if I am being over sensitive, so i get upset, shut down, don’t speak and he is egging me.. why can’t you just be happy, – I tell him I can’t be happy because you will just blow up. you are like a ticking timebomb.
I have not felt so much stress since my ex husband was living with me.
Now what do I do? How do I figure it out? I can’t leave him, it is my house, I can’t kick him out, he pays the mortgage. = I don’t have any income. I am so hurt, confused, stressed, confined, and I don’t feel like me. He has truly beat my self-esteem. I no longer have control of me.
What should I do?
Control Freak is not in the DSM IV. It would have helped me greatly if it was. Four years ago I scoured it and could NOT match EVERY trait to fit my lover in any certain model. It became clear to me he was mentally ill back then. Absence of a “serial hurter” definition in the DSM IV made me figure perhaps he was as nuts as the next person. Meaning, he was not nuts and I did love him-VERY much. He was an actor on demand. They fake intimacy to gain an advantage is all they are doing-IF they must bother.
Narcissist was the closest I got in the DSM IV, he did not quite fit every criteria on that either-only 80%. Borderline personality disorder was another close department…maybe OCD but unclear what the obsession would be-other than to continually out me down, upset me, and control my every thought.
They CAN HIDE IT WELL!! He pursued me for seven years to live with him. When he should have been the happiest [he sure had me after all of that time] WAS when it ALL went to hell. I was shocked about that. The fact he hid the monster enough to lure me. After reading stories in here it looks like we are all dating the same man! Most of the tactics are the same, financial violence being a hallmark of these MoFo’s and sexual violence [sex stopping to hurt the other..]
Upon my move in, sex stopped, I was asked to get out of a moving car…[suddenly his car,] and financial [every aspect of my life in his name.] The only way I could win the final end with him was to SUE HIM. Control freaks do NOT want the variable of ANY Judge or your lawyer even. EVEN if you have little to sue about as I did.
They cannot stand to be found wrong and they will manipulate to the bitter end…the court house steps and CAVE like sand. Mine caved a day before court, he was petrified and I calculated that response. He would hand me ANY money as NOT to see a judge…so I simply got smart and became the manipulator for once. I did love him so this tore me up to do it. However it was MY LIFE or HIS at that point. He was going to throw me on the street before he learned I did have options and I was having to use them.
Go for their weak points and save your own self. If you are not financially glued together, then just RUN! Love YOURSELF enough to RUN. They never did love you because they NEVER could really love themselves. Never be standing next to them, if you plan to go for the jugular. And yes, I need to work on anger and how I allowed that to all take place. Great sex, diamonds and roses for starters. The more “stuff” they throw at you-the greater void they were concealing.
People with kids, you still pay a very high price at the end of the day. Get a good lawyer as I did. Luckily mine did not breed!
I’m sitting here tonight reading everybody’s comments and I have to say it’s so depressing cause I know my husband is a big control freak. He isn’t happy unless I’m doing for him and only concerned for himself. He doesn’t like our children around (they are now grown) or any of my family. He wants me to just concentrate on him and his needs. He got hurt 3 years ago and I nursed him hand and foot. What did I get for it? He cussed me the day I brought him home from the hospital, barked orders to me , complained about everything I fixed him to eat and then months later after he was doing some better told me he wasn’t interested in sex with me anymore and I just have to deal with it. He has always deserted me in times of need. When I was ill he annored me but would get mad if I didn’t take care of him. When he gets mad he threatens to leave me after 30 yrs. of marriage. He has left me so many times I can’t count but he comes back after a week or two and doesn’t even say he’s sorry if anything it’s always my fault because he left. Right now he hasn’t worked in 6mos after losing his job but he won’t help around the house and it doesn’t matter how long I’ve worked I have to cook and clean when I get home. There’s alot of times I despise him. My older son and him are just alike and my husband doesn’t like him because they’re so much alike. We’ve been in counseling but he won’t admit anything is his fault it’s all me. I feel too old to start over but I have to say to you who are still young run and don’t look back!
I wish I had.
I saw this and tears immediatley came to my eyes. I had been married to a control freak for 10 years. Controlled the finances and had to make every decision about purchases or anything to do with our home. All of my decisions were discounted or required approval. Nothing I did was good enough, cleaning or cooking. I blamed myself for not stepping up but now I know wasn’t my fault. I’m in a new relationship and he’s wonderful and he has to constantly remind me that I don’t need his opinion or approval when I want to buy something or do anything in our home. I guess it’s a self-healing process, I didn’t realize how damaged I was. I have to get used to making decisions on my own without getting someone’s approval and get over the fear of being scolded if I do make a decison on my own. I now know that I have a real partner who treats me like an equal and he does not want to control me.
I dont know what to say. After reading all the notes from all the people I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. I am divorced from a man I was married to 22 years. We’ve been divorced over 10 years and I’ve never moved on. I still love him, he’s the father of my children and I was in hopes of a new relationship with him but the truth is he is a CF big time and always has been and thats why I divorced him years ago. We’ve tried to form a new relationship but he’s the same and truthfully, I think he’s worse. Today he comes to my house and ridicules me for not have my refrigerator in the “order he put it in last time he was here”. I’ve tried to better myself, am in college working for a degree in nursing and this is totally rubbing him the wrong way. I cannot do anything right, I cannot say anything right, I cannot drive, get in a vehicle, walk down the street, go shopping,… there is nothing that I can do that pleases him. It is so hard for me to understand why and how another human being could feel so superior over another and be so judgemental and demeaning and bullish to another person and if its evern harder for me to understand why I continue to think that maybe sometime in our life he will be different. I have not had another relationship with someone other than him for over 30 years thinking that ’someday” this will work but the bottom line is, it wont work, it will never work because I cant live with him being such a control freak and he will never change.
Martha,
I just read your comments again and especially the one about him being jealous of your time you spent with your children. It hit home to me because all of our life, as long as it was just him and me we were fine but let the kids be involved or come home and we had trouble. Its as though he was actually jealous of the time we spend together and yet he would almost alianate himself instead of joing us. I never could figure out why and if he wanted to really hurt me, he’d try and do it through the kids as he knew they were so important to me. All the years we were together I knew he was controlling but never realized he was a “control freak”. Reading all the many comments from other people makes me sick to my stomach as for all these years I thought it was something I was doing wrong, something I could maybe change or it just had to do with our relationship. After 30 years I now know there are other people in the world like him and other people in the world that feels like I do and in a way that helps me and in a way it makes me very sad.
Shelly,
Yeah, the children were the ones that suffered as well. I am glad that after the rotten treatment and degradation he put the kids thru, they have come out OK. They actually encourage me and remind me of how my ex was so controlling with both myself and them. I realise what was meant by a dysfunctional family. He never really showed his own kids love. Now he rings me and blames me that I made them hate him!! Do you believe it… the control freak is still trying to control us. Well, he must not be having such a great time on his own cause he doesn’t have anyone to control.
I know what you mean about feeling sad. Really, we should not have put up with these control freaks for so long. You were in your situation even longer than me. You know my controller even had the hide to say to me recently that I though I was too good for anybody…. do you believe it! He sure didn’t make me feel good and now he is still trying to bring me down. Well, as far as I am concerned, I lowered my standards too much for him and looks like he is lowering his standards now for whoever he is with and is not taking any rubbish from him. I think Karma has a way. Well, Shelly good luck… you don’t mention if you are still in your relationship (if you call it that with these controllers) or not. I am starting to feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel after all…. its painful, but it happens.
Is there any help for a control freak? My dad is married to one and he knows it but can’t bring himself to leave her. They fight all the time and the bickering is never ending. Would marriage counseling help them and help her or will it make matters worse.
Anyone know?
My husband is controlling and manipulative, and i experience verbal abuse.He has told me that he is not controlling.Is this a form of mental illness? He don’t seem to be aware of his behavior. He seem to think it is normal.He gets angry when i express my feelings.When he act up with angry outbursts, I am on pins and needles not knowing when he will explode again.This abnormal behavior makes me very tense.This is not a healthy marriage and i am praying that he will change, if not, I know i will have to pack my bags and leave.
Positive news on my life story, which I feel can be helpful. (I have 2 other entries on this site about my life with a controlling woman.)
First of all, the impact of being manipulated, etc by someone I loved, was devasting on my emotions, mental state, my trust in people especially woman relationship-wise, and my outlook in general. I had been beaten emotionally down so long, I had trouble making the decision to leave, and even then, I had allowed my controlling girlfriend back into my life that second time, on hope and due to my own weakness.
Well, I did finally end things that second time which is mentioned in my two entries. How did this happen? How did I get the strength? I went to counselling, firstly to deal with me and my emotional state. Gradually the psychologist focused on the relationship and what it was doing to me. She recommended I allow those who had been shut out of my life to come back into it. It was a giant step and a tough one. I discovered my parents and brother really still care a great deal for me. To feel cared for… a feeling I needed. Gradually, though not easily my strength did come back.
And I did meet a great woman since then. I am happy, very happy now. I admit, though an unfair thing to say, I had to regain trust in women and in their motives, and in their emotions. And I was very sensitive to this and anything I perceived as controlling. To be fair, women with controlling ex’s might feel the same towards men. Gradually, especially, because I was lucky enough to find the right woman, my trust came back. And this is the way it should be.
I also learned many things from my previous relationship. And will also come out of it a better person too, for none of us are perfect.
Things would not be happy for me had I kept trying to make a broken down relationship work, especially one with a controlling girlfriend. I broke free and am now building a wonderful life.
Good luck to all. I know every situation is different and you also can’t be sure if you’ll find someone else, but do consider seeking personal counselling and do let family and friends back into your life if your controlling partner worked hard to push them away.
I married a man who is European and I did not realize what a control freak he was until I moved out of home country in the U.S. He has manipulated and controlled the money, controlled and literally stopped me from getting work and has verbally and emotionally abusive. I left him many times, but then he would promise to change and of course, never changed. He is very good at looking at everyone else and judging but does not see how he does the same thing. My problem is that now he has cancer and he is very ill, but he continues to refuse me access to the finances. This last time he was in the hospital the bills almost did not get paid. Now, the rent is behind, everything is slipping. I feel so badly for him, I just do not know what to do. He is getting better now and is able to take on the bills, but again refuses to allow me access to the finances. He opened up an account in my name and put a few thousand in it, but that is all. I continue to tell him I need to work, but really I want to leave and go back to my home country and get a job. What should I do? I feel guilty over leaving him, but staying means I may not survive financially.
WOW so much I strue I did not believe, I had only known the man a month, he proposed and I moved in, He gave up his job and I kept us and 2 cars going for 6 months, before push came to shove and he was verbally abusive for a while, then we rowed an he hit me, obviously I called the Police, he was arrested, but showed no remorse, I had no option but to make my self homeless, and move out for my own piece of mind.
Its good to have good friends.
I just wanted to add a little as I read all the comments above. He really seems to fit the CF profile. He must control everything. His house is all his and I gave up everything to be here. He tells me exactly how to clean, step by step, how to shift the car, how to do everything. He used to steal my passport and hide it so I could not leave. He bosses everyone around. Everything is about him. That is why it never gets around to me and my job. Whenever I found a job, he would do things to stop me. His priorities were always, always first. If I talked on the phone for a job interview, he would talk over me and yell at me (how embarrassing). He hates anyone who is close to me and always puts down my children. He thinks I am too close to my children, but when his daughter is around, he is really close with her. It just goes on and on. I have been married to him 2 1/2 years and it never changes. There are always promises, but then no change. I know, when I am lucid and thinking, that I should leave, but then there is this veil of normalcy and he can be witty and fun especially in front of other people, so it seems like everything is OK. It just is not. I just have so much guilt because of his condition, although he is better now.
I read Angela’s comment and I realize how difficult it can be. 3 years ago, I was independent, self supporting with my home, now I have nothing. I full well if I leave, there will be nothing for me, but I feel I can no longer live in this crazy situation. No matter how ill is has become, he continues to control. Now, that he is improved, he still does it. He hates my children, become angry when I try to talk to them on the phone, but when his daughter is here, he is constantly with her. I preaches I am too close with my children and that I am BAD for them, but does the opposite with his own. He criticizes how I drive, how I clean, will not even eat my cooking, so he eats his daughter’s, allows her drive whenever, and clean. I cannot change the walls, the house that is littered with his things. He criticizes pretty much everything. No one can be in such a situation for long without it effecting their self esteem.
It just never stops. Everything is micro-managed from the manner which clothes are folded, to me cleaning the floor up (it had to be with a certain towel, done i a certain way, etc.) Then all the time he acts like I am idiot. I have my doctorate, oddly enough. Well, he is ‘allowing’ me to go see my children, here, for 2 weeks. He is frightened I will take off, which is what I have done before. I became weak and came back. But, I was reading that those in these situations leave an average of 6-8 times, so that does not make me unusual, because I have guilt over his cancer, and he can be charming and nice when he wants to be. He has put down every idea I have that does not involve him controlling it, or being by his side. Everything else is nothing, because his attitude is always superior and arrogant. The thought of me leaving him makes him cry, and then I feel bad, but what can I do? I cannot be here while he controls all the money? And in a foreign country with a foreign language spoken, I am having a lot of trouble even getting a job, now that he has given me ‘permission’ to get one. It is just too much, i think. If my option is to be homeless, I guess I will survive. I see others have.
Hi all,
I’ve been with Alison since 1987. We live in a large house near London, UK, which we bought from her divorcing parents. My mother lent us 25% of the money to do that. We have two fantastic boys aged 17 and 16.
I have always thought she is a control freak which has been confirmed by reading other people’s stories. Although I do stand up for myself we end up rowing and she will use the kids as pawns. I have no intention of fighting my sons but something needs to be done.
What should I do?
pls help me and my family. for 8 years now i have tried to reason with my girlfriend. i live in my girlfriends country and moved here 10 years ago (in jersey) and was all out to make new friends. get drunk, have a laugh, just do wot boyz do when ur in ur early 20’s. but that was all wrong. she wanted me to stay at home when we had kids so i left that life and became a family man. best choice i eva made. well i thought!!!!. for 8 years now ive had nothing. no friends, no money, a lonely life and have to watch my missus go out with her mates, spend my money and then see pictures of her dancing and gettin attention from other blokes. i know she doesnt mean any harm but it still hurts me coz she neva respects me in any way. i cant even have any control over my kids. if i try and give them advice, she be-littles me infront of them and makes me out to be the bad parent. i cant even take my kids to the park without her sayin im aloud. she has a car (that im still payin for). lap top, everything SHE wants. i have nothin. years ago i started to drink alot to ease the pain but when she kicked off at me i became voilent. that was my only way i knew how to defend myself. i was wrong and still have nitemares over it but it was still nothin compared to wot she did to me. now i just sit bak and take it all. i shout at her to leaveme alone but it neva stops. everyday i have to watch her undermind me and make me feel worthless. i love my kids sooo much but cant bring me kids up in a family like this. i have no money to move out (as all my money goes into her bank) and cant even afford a paper. im really thinkin the only way out of this all is to end it but im more sensible than that. pls help
The clinical term for control freak behavior is OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). This is different from OCD in that for the most part, there are no obsessive behaviors like repetitive handwashing etc. People with OCPD are characterized by their insistence on rules, “doing things properly” and controlling others. Google “The Right Stuff” to learn more. If you’re with this type of person, your options are (a) leave (b) if you want to stay, begin to stand up for your own rights and do not give in to their controlling behaviors. There is a great support group for people dealing with OCPD behavior in their life at http://www.ocpd.freeforums.org
i answered yes to all the questions above…..i was 17 when i met my ex, and was with him for 4 miserable years….its only now that i realise his condition (control freak), i had 2 beautiful children with him. He was controlling, mentally and physically abusive all the way throuh the relationship through my pregnancies and all. i lost my identity when i was with him. when i first met him i was a normal, very confident girl… but came out a non confident paranoid women. I finally plucked up the courage to leave him a year and a half ago now was the hardest decision ever but the best move in my life now looking back. He recently attacked me a month ago again and now iv stopped access to him seeing the kids and he just drew the line too far. Im happier than ever now i am in a new relationship and its taking some getting used to having money in my pocket and compliments! having my own opinion and that person respecting that, being confident and not feeling drained anymore im loving it. Control freaks who are non violent there maybe hope, but to the violent ones such as my ex they are passed help!!!!!
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