Why are you doing it?

Why do I do it?
Why do I carry on the charade of normalcy?
He is so good at pretending to be a human bean
When all the while he is from another planet

Am I the only one who knows his secrets?
(Apart from his alien birth parents)
He does not pretend to be someone else
And makes no excuses for himself

He is proud of his arrogance and brutal honesty
He thinks he is loyal to doing the right thing
And will go to the ends of the earth for his friends
But trusts nothing and no-one

Without stress, fatigue and work
He can appear quite normal
He doesn’t fire off irritable and irrational requests
And he is kind and considerate

So why do I do it?
For the beautiful moments when he is not torturing himself or me
Even for the apparent moments when he can pretend he is normal
And for all future moments filled with hope…

And blind love

And stupidity

And false values

And too much tolerance

And stubbornness

And so on…

Doug, whatever you do think about the kids.Leaving is the only option is your wife is that bad.

Believe me I have been in a similar situation to you and I had to get out in the end. I don’t know if there is a cure for control freaks but I wouldn’t bet on it.They really are screwed-up people.

Good luck Doug.

I was married to a CF and she was manipulative devious, insensitive and cold and an accomplished liar. She had no interest in anyone she couldn’t control/bully. She was sexually dysfunctional, bullying and used sex as a manipulation device but could be charming when it suited her. I would describe her as almost sociopathic.
I now have a relationship with a lady who was married to the male version. He was bullying, arrogant, self centred, hopeless with money (boys toys to fill the void), whining, virtually sexually inactive (apart from what he got up to in the shower)! She now lives with her two sons one of whom is a CF like his father. Needless to say CF the younger takes over for Dad in his absence encouraged by the absent father. Therefore it is hard to escape the legacy of involvement with one of these disgusting examples of humanity.
The emotional scars they leave are enormous and we find it difficult to trust new partners but take delight in simple pleasures neither of us have enjoyed for nearly a quarter of a century each. We both stayed for the kids and because CF’s are very selective in their targets choosing naive, gullible victims who take many years to work out what’s going on by which time its too late.
I worked out partially what was going on and how they work, she knew the game was up and immediately divorced me and the courts helped her to rob me leaving me feeling violated. My new partner was driven to a nervous breakdown and depression having tried everything to improve the relationship. Again he knew the game was up and found a new family within 10 weeks of her starting divorce proceedings. “It’s all about me” should be their moto! IMO If you live with one move on.

I am in that stage but everything is my fault, and when I state a preference it ends in an argument, I have tried to leave so many times but cant seem to do it, not got kids yet thats the next stage on the (her) list of things she WILL get, I tried saying no last year as its a unhealthy relationship and she dumped me, three guesses what I did you got it I begged for her forgiveness and fell into the trap, tonight we had an argument, well I tried to tell her how much I didnt want to be a door mat and to punish me I am not getting a lift in to work tomorrow.

“I am in that stage but everything is my fault, and when I state a preference it ends in an argument, I have tried to leave so many times but cant seem to do it, not got kids yet thats the next stage on the (her) list of things she WILL get, I tried saying no last year as its a unhealthy relationship and she dumped me, three guesses what I did you got it I begged for her forgiveness and fell into the trap, tonight we had an argument, well I tried to tell her how much I didnt want to be a door mat and to punish me I am not getting a lift in to work tomorrow.”

Here’s my three cents worth Bobby. You will always be at the stage where everything is your fault when you are in a relationship with a CF. Stating a preference or an opinion or making a constructive criticism of a CF is perceived as a battle of wills by them. You have tried to leave so many times but can’t. Maybe because you have made an emotional (and possibly financial) commitment to your relationship that you don’t want to write off and you are in denial of the possibility of how little the relationship means to your CF. It only has value to her as long as you are under her control. The minute you show signs of a contra opinion she will dump you as she has proven already. You said you didn’t want to be a doormat so she is testing your subordination by refusing a lift to work. You need to realise that CF’s cannot change. They are like a “Terminator” they absolutely will never stop or change. Cut your losses and get out before you are tied to her for ever by kids. The kids give her the ultimate control over you and thats one reason she wants them.

jbgood

I just need to add something to the above in order that someone may help me understand.
My girlfriend was a stewardess on long haul and when away she simply would freak out if I brought any problems back home to her attention, like it was an escape from reality.
In contrast to writers above she had absolutely no interest in controlling her finances and they were in shambles. Bills ignored, insurances not updated, no one notified of change of address.
When I met her I thought I was really lucky to have found a 35 year old attractive girl without much baggage, but the fact that she had had no lasting relationships in her life and every boyfriend had abandoned her without a glance back, I was advised was a warning sign which I ignored.
Please tell me is it normal for a girlfriend to spend 8 days with you and then be unwilling to give you a peck on the cheak to say goodbye when going on a 5 day trip?
Is it normal for a girl with substantial debts and a low income to refuse to wash her own hair and spend up to a 1/5th of her pay on salons?
Is it normal for a girl to cry about her own weight swear not to eat out for months or touch a drop of alcohol and then 2 hours later happilly sit in a restaurant polish off 1-2 bottles of wine or champagne and literally eat like a horse?
Is it normal for a girl that age to call her mother 3-4 times a day and talk to her like a 5 year old?
Is it normal for a girl to freak out when given a present and demand you take it back even though you had said she could change it if not suitable?
Is it normal for a girl from a wealthy background claiming to be that close to her mother to resort to being a call girl for a while to clear her debts, which she didn’t do(clear the debts that is)?
Is it normal for a 35 year old woman not to get a single phone call or email in days?
Funny thing is I am not that tolerant in life but I really loved her and tolerated it, against everyones judgement.
Above all when she demonstrated deep rooted racism I should, considering I am Middle Eastern , have walked out.
At 35 she was lying to her parents about having a relationship.
And finally 2 days after a relatively nice holiday she decided to quietly disappear, which did not go according to plan, and when I went round despite the fact that there never had been any violence, verbal or phyiscal and the fact that the night before we had sat down and had a quiet drink ,she freaked out as if I was an axe murdere and called the police after locking herself up in the toilet and then later had me arrested on the false accusation of stealing her passport.
Can anyone explain all this?

Hi Ali,
From what you describe in your message and from the comfort of my armchair I’m thinking possible Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The financial chaos, manipulation, disappearing and false allegations are hallmarks of this condition. It could be worth you researching this.

jbgood.

Thanks JB Good
You are spot on thank you. It has helped me immensely to understand my ex.
She showed all the signs blaming everyone else, for her mistakes, sudden and frequent mood changes, the childish approach to many things including her mother, her unnecessarilly violent seperation from me, the eating disorder, the risky sex and lack of self respect(I told you she resorted to escorting and on one occasion agreed for a client!!! to call his girlfriend in to hurl abuse at her and then she stayed and had sex with him), two abortions by same man, reliance on alcohol, the inability to deal with problems and using her job as a stewardess to run away from them, her obsession with friends and then suddenly turning to hate(she had no long term friends and was often critical of ones she has), her eating disorder and finally the unbelievable self hate.
I now understand what happened and feel pleased as I have had a lucky escape but desperately sad for her.
It must be real dilema for those confronted with such a person leave and watch them self destroy or stay and really suffer. They have a massive tendency to self harm and harm others, I gather.
For the benefit of those curious about BPD check out http://www.bpdresourcecenter.org/what.htm.

Hi JC,
It sounds like he has already implanted some fears into you. Therefore, he is still controlling you! It also sounds like he is going to use the depression he has caused you as a weapon to prove your unfit state etc! Remember that CF’s are bully’s and one of the techniques they use is to throw something with a penny’s worth (at most) of truth in the face of the victim in order to induce guilt, anger and resentment which if not expressed can result in depression, or a powder keg that can easily be ignited by a small remark leading to an outburst from the victim which is then labeled “anger management issues”! Try to rise above it, stay focused and don’t be taken in by the fears you have, which are probably more heightened by your depressed state.

jbgood

I’m 39 yrs old. My parents have been married for 40 years and my mom is a CF. Over the years, especially since having children, I have distanced myself from my Mom. She is a negative, critical person and has to be in total control. Once I had children she continued to criticize me and my parenting. I’m not perfect, no one is, however I don’t need the additional stress of having my mother tear me down at a point where I need support. After awhile she made some sarcastic comment about me not keeping in touch with her and I simply told her she was extremely negative and life is hard enough without having someone tear me down. Surprisingly enough her outward criticism stopped. She didn’t change - of that I’m sure. I know those thoughts are still racing through her mind but at least she has enough sense to not verbalize them in my presence.

I’ve been angry for a very long time and it wasn’t until recently that I came to the realization of how dysfunctional my parents relationship (and therefore my childhood) really are (were).

I thankfully live far away from them so it’s on rare occasion that I’m subjected to their antics. But on the flip side because I’m so far away, they are now visiting for an extended stay. (Lucky me.) For this visit I see them more clearly now than I ever have before, from an adult’s perspective and realize that my extreme aggravation with them is justified. I’m not just a daughter who can’t stand her parents for some unidentifiable reason. I’m a daughter who has dysfunctional parents. And there’s a difference, because somehow I can see things more objectively and not take it so personally.

I don’t know if Doug is reading this, but I hope you are. As an adult child of a CF I can say first hand that the misery and anxiety of living with a CF parent is difficult and the effects last a lifetime (but are manageable). I’m sure you love your children and are in a much healthier state of mind than your CF wife. All I can say is please, please make the choice to continue living. Those children of yours deserve to have a healthy parent. Kids are innocent. If you were to die, they have no choice but to continue being subjected to a CF mother. You need to be the strong one and do what’s best for yourself and your kids. Even if she turns them against you (like others have experienced here), continue being the level headed, healthy person you are and they will see at some point how toxic she is and appreciate you for being a constant positive force in their lives.

I grew up with my parents always arguing. The past couple days with them has been a replay of the same conversations, only different topics, from my childhood. My Dad is a more rational, intelligent person than my Mom, however it mystifies me that he’s put up with her abuse for 40 years. She has to control everything, especially when it comes to cleanliness. She has to bathe twice a day and forces him to do the same. He is not allowed to come to bed without bathing beforehand. If she’s tired, he has to go to bed then. She will not allow him to stay up later. If he’s watching a TV show that she doesn’t like, she walks in the room, voices her disapproval, and changes the channel. He will walk out of the room and watch TV elsewhere in the house. She will show up minutes later and change the channel on him again.

Because she is visiting us and we are sharing a bathroom she is obsessed with the schedule for bathing. (Nothing is happening to cause us to have trouble all getting showers when needed.) There is some kind of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder coupled with this need for control going on here.

She tried to tell me the kids had to wear socks to bed and I asked why. Her answer was HER feet get cold at night so she wears socks to bed. I told her they have the option to wear socks if they want to but it’s not required. She backed down.

She drinks and a number of times over the past couple of years on an annual outing to some restaurant near them (with kids) she’s gotten visibly intoxicated, slurring her words and losing her balance. She ordered wine at a Rainforest Cafe a couple years back and gave the waiter a hard time because the wine wasn’t filled up to the RIM. No one does that… what is she thinking? It’s extremely embarrassing to deal with her out in public.

She’s completely oblivious to how her words an actions affect everyone around her. In her mind everything she says and does is justified, even when she’s being a total hypocrite. As a young girl she talks about how she had a serious weight problem. Yet she said very nasty and demeaning things to my sister, who is heavy, when she was picking out wedding gowns. And she used to buy cigarettes by the carton when I was young but now that she stopped smoking has total distain for anyone who smokes and loudly announces it within their reach (which caused problems at my sister’s engagement party when her future in-laws respectfully went outside to smoke).

I wish I loved my Mom but those feelings left a long time ago. I wish I had a close relationship with my Mom like friends of mine do, but it’s not in the cards so I have to deal with the reality of the situation. It’s a type of loss for me and sad, really.

I feel sorry for her and her sickness. I feel sorry for my Dad who puts up with it. However, I strongly believe we teach people how to treat us, so this life he’s made for himself is his own doing. He told her he was miserable and wanted to leave her about 10-15 years ago but she told him he wasn’t allowed to (seriously). Their time is spent arguing because I suppose there’s a sane part of him that doesn’t like putting up with her bullying and he argues back. But he always relents because it’s just easier.

A Dr. Phil quote comes to mind… the only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for X years is staying for X years and a day.

Sheila I feel for you. I never mentioned that as well assuffering a CF as a girlfriend i have a mother who is as bad.
I am 55 and have been in the same business for 20 years and I could bet you my house that my mother has no idea what I do, she has never asked!
She had an awful relationship with my father with the most horrendous fights and he divorced her when I was 14. she dedicated her life to turning my brother and I against her and for 15 years before he died in 1995 I didn’t see him ,something that I will regret with deep shame untill I die. My mother befriends , as she can be extremely charming, goes way over the top with friendships and then suddenly turns on her friend for the most trivial reasons and they just simply disappear from the scene.
She has, despite being extremely knowledgable and in many ways super intelligent, worked out that the way to see her family more often is to be pleasant when she does.
My only brother and I have to litterally Psyche ourselves up to go and sse her or have at family occasion knowing a nasty ending is 100% guaranteed.
Just like my girlfriend everything is about her. She always has an ailment and it’s all about her her her.
She is getting to an age where we have to consider for her to be looked after and despite my brother and I both being able to accomodate her and help her financially(we will do the latter) having her with us is just an unbearble prospect. I would say she is 50% responsible for breaking up my marriage and yet, incredibly, she sits and moans about how much she misses my ex wife who she mentally tortured for years and again sadly I tolerated it.
So I know what you mean about walking away but the fact remains that I believe it to be the only solution or a confinement to a life of absolute misery.

Philly,
I’m surprised you moved in with someone after only two weeks! You don’t say anything about your previous relationships but clearly this man had something you needed whether it be accommodation or a personality that you recognised and needed. The question is why you are playing the role of a codependent in an abusive relationship when you could walk away! Erin Pizzey founded the first womens domestic violence shelter in the UK. She found that 60% of the women who came there were as violent and dysfunctional as their male partners and would return to their partners repeatedly before turning up at the shelter to describe in detail and with great excitement what had taken place. In other words they got off on it! You can read “Prone to Violence” by Erin Pizzey free on the internet. I’m not saying this is you but you are staying in a relationship that most people would have run from immediately!
Another point is that your control freak calls you “untrustworthy” and yet does everything he can to drive you away without actually severing the relationship. I think it could be worth you looking up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Within this trait the Narcissist fears abandonment while calling people untrustworthy while doing everything (s)he can to cause it and prove themselves right! You might be a codependent to a narcissist (which can work if the balance is right). Either way you recognise a problem exists and I believe you should walk away ASAP and start enjoying your life again. Sever all contact with this guy because if he is a narcissist he is using you for something called narcissistic supply (proof that he is superior in some way to you) and any comments to you will imply that in some way. Here is the contradiction in terms for the narcissist. The people they need around them are the people they perceive to be their inferiors. The only time they may appear pleasant and normal is when they have OD’d on “supply” elsewhere. You might live for those moments but they will be few and far between.
Anyway, thats my shot in the dark. Good Luck
jbgood

I’m sure that I won’t kill myself for my children’s sake. I just feel helpless and hopeless. I’m just tired of her crap day-in and day-out.

Reading over the other posts here I see my wife has a lot in common with some of the other CF spouses. She talks a lot and 95% of the time it’s about herself or something related to her job. The other 5% might be something she read on the internet.

She always points the finger at me stating that I’m grumpy and I’m the reason why she’s not happy and we’re not good.

On my days off (weekend or otherwise) and when I come home from work she basically turns off. I have to make the kids meals, do the cleaning, wash their clothes, etc. Meanwhile she’ll watch TV, log on the computer, go out or have a nap. She doesn’t even feed the cats and would let them starve.

I have tried in the past to just not do all the work and let it pile up, but that’s what happens and then the kids have no clean clothes to wear. She then proceeds to go out and buy them new clothes.

I’ve also tried talking with her, asking for her to help me out more but I get a guilt trip about how she looks after the kids, plans everything and takes care of the finances. As far as I’m concerned she’s wrecking us financially, looking after the kids involves cleaning up after them and doing their laundry ow and then. I’m happy to help out more than most so it’s not like I want her to do everything. She says that’s my intent though.

As far as planning everything, she doesn’t really give me the chance. She usually shoots down my ideas anyway so I just stopped.

Anyway I’m going to separate our finances up and make sure things get paid. She’s in total control now and she’s not going to have a choice. I am going to have to stand up for myself and put up a brick wall when she tries to guilt or goad me. At this point I really don’t care any more.

I’m also going to schedule some time with a therapist and prepare for a worst case scenario if my wife tells me to get out.

I really don’t know how she would survive with out me though because I do so much around the house. She’s good looking so I’m sure she could charm some other sucker. With 2 kids now it might make it more difficult. I’m sure most guys wouldn’t put up with her crap either.

I SPLIT UP WITH A MAJOR CF ONLY DAYS AGO AFTER EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS. AT FIRST HE WAS CHARMING AND NICE, BUT HE STARTED TO SHOW HIS TRUE COLOURS.I”VE BEEN CALLED ALL THE DISCUSTING NAMES UNDER THE SUN, HAD ENDLESS ACCUSATIONS OF BEING UNFAITHFUL,WASN’T ALLOWED A BATH ON MY OWN IF I DID HAVE A BATH BEFORE HE CAME HOME HE DEMANDED TO KNOW WHY, I COULDN’T GO SHOPPING WITHOUT HIM AS HE WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I WAS SPENDING HIS MONEY ON EVEN THOUGH IT WAS MINE.I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE HAD A PROBLEM BUT PUT IT DOWN TO HIS FIRST WIFE AND ALL THE STORIES HE TOLD ME ABOUT HER, I FELT SORRY FOR HIM . NOTHING WAS EVER HIS FAULT IT WAS ALWAYS MINE AND I ALWAYS ENDED UP APOLOGISING TO HIM, IT WAS ONLY WHEN I WAS TRYING TO FIND OUT ON THE INTERNET ABOUT MENTAL DISORDERS AND CAME ACROSS THIS PAGE I REALISED WHAT HE HIS.THANKYOU, READING ALL THE LETTERS AND EXPERIENCES OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MADE ME ALOT STRONGER, I DON’T WANT TO PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER BECAUSE I KNOW NOW HE.LL NEVER CHANGE HE.S GONE NOW BUT HE HAS TEXT ME TO SAY HE HOPES I’LL LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES SO HE’S STILL BLAMING ME,BUT I’M READY TO MOVE ON AND ENJOY THE REST OF MY LIFE IN PEACE.

Charles: You might want to consider counseling first with a neutral 3rd party to moderate. Basically tell her that things have to change or you are going to have to leave her.

If she won’t agree to counseling (or you won’t because you just want out) then I would make a good plan before you leave and then do it all very quickly while she is out. You’ll need to know where you’re going to live, get a new bank account, etc beforehand.

Talk to a lawyer or paralegal about separation and what you’re entitled to property wise then draft up a legal separation agreement. She may not agree to it, but as long as it is fair from a legal perspective you’re protecting yourself by abiding by it.

I am currently married to a control freak. She constantly bullies me with name-calling and continual insults not just to my looks and financial well-being (despite the fact I shoulder 90% of the family’s expenses), but also hurls personal attacks on me by making unnecessary comments about my family. Even worse, she wishes bad for my brothers and sisters that have nothing to do with our quarrels, which are often not worth being mad about to begin with.

She is very hot-tempered, and the simplest things can irk her so much, like saying a word that doesn’t sound right to her. She also has a certain need for unnecessary things that we cannot afford at the moment, and when not obtainable, she uses that against me to say how poor and awful a father and husband I am, despite the fact that she can tuck in a good amount of savings from her salary and have the freedom to spend that for her own personal satisfaction.

She can be violent. She attacked me physically before during senseless discussions, but I never retaliated, not until recently when I got into this huge quarrel with her where we fought and made physical harm at each other. The sad part is, she is playing the victim now and it seems she’s opening up the fact to other people that I hurt her when in truth, she also had her fair share of inflicting physical pain. Clue: she strangled me before and punched me but I never said a word to anyone.

We have kids, 3 of them, and they’re very young. I am very worried that if my marriage falls apart, I’ll be seeing 3 people subject to her controlling nature. Inasmuch as I want her to realize her flaws as a person, and live with her as I truly love her and my family, I am just plain worried that one day she would ditch me when I stand up for my right to respect and authority as the head of the family. In the event that she calls it quits, I don’t know how to handle the situation as my main goal in life is for my kids to live a normal and happy life with their Mom and Dad loving each other. I don’t want her idiosyncratic ways to derail my plans for my family.

I am a very patient person but how come it came to the point that I feel so depressed and worn out? Why should she think she’s miserable? She can simply count her blessings and know she’s dead wrong. I don’t have vices. I don’t even smoke, drink, or go out with friends. I just work, and stay with the kids. I am not rich but I can work my way up but I still feel it is unfair to be subject to this kind of cruelty and unforgiveness.

Hi Ben,
It sounds like what is yours is ours and whats hers is hers! It has to be said that you are in an abusive relationship. You have been advised to call the cops the next time she assaults you. I would caution against that because I believe in the USA many states have a “primary aggressor” policy of always arresting someone at the scene of of a domestic violence incident and its usually the man! The fact that you were arrested etc. will then be used against you in any divorce court and you will be cleaned out and find access to your kids difficult. In an ideal world where justice prevails you would be able to keep your house, kids and car in the event of finding yourself saddled with an abusive wife but while some men have achieved this they are rare. The judiciary runs on the basis that the kittens follow the mummy cat while ignoring both the presence of a paternal instinct and the fact we are not animals. If you add in politically correct anti family/father dogma then you begin to see that you are on unsafe ground! She is already telling other people you are violent so the groundwork is done. “I am just plain worried that one day she would ditch me when I stand up for my right to respect and authority as the head of the family.” A lot of women today reject the idea of a man being the “head of the family” despite being unable or unwilling to shoulder 90% of the bills etc. However, this is another argument, but it could be a source of friction. DV/abuse and CF behaviour is often a learned dysfunctionality ie she could be repeating patterns learned from her own parents as a child. It could be worth discussing her childhood to see what comes up! Now compare this with your own child hood.
She bullies and insults you and your family. This will rob you of your self esteem, confidence and make you easier to manipulate. It will also build up a head of steam and anger which can lead to you over reacting towards a small comment from her at which point she will claim you are the one at fault and you will begin to feel ashamed and guilty. You will then be putty in her hands. She will have manipulated you and controlled you just like CF’s do! Alternatively, your anger will be bottled within and if not expressed will turn into depression. You already say you are depressed. Again, a depressed person is easy to manipulate by a CF. They don’t want to see a happy look on your face. Just try being happy for a few hours and see how long it takes for her to try and wipe that smile off your face!
“She has need for unnecessary things”. Assuming that the things are genuinely unnecessary. People who are depressed sometimes want to buy things to give them a temporary high. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe that image is everything and cost is unimportant They will buy all kinds of expensive crap like a kid in a candy store for their own satisfaction to the exclusion of everyone else because they never got past that childish stage in their lives!
She attacks your good points. Again, a narcissist CF will do this (while ignoring any bad points you have). This has the effect of reducing you as a human being while as a consequence making her appear better. You will either take the fallacy on the chin and internalize your anger or you can argue the point and both you and her know that you want to avoid arguments so the CF wins either way. Even if you react and win the argument, the next day she will repeat the accusation from a different perspective so you will be back at square one!
If your wife is a narc, and she knows you have seen through the facade she will drop you like a stone and you wont believe what your friend and partner will do to you nor say about you, again leaving you feeling betrayed and depressed (controlled) and unable to fight back.

It may be worth visitng this website. http://www.narcissm.operationdoubles.com to see if she has any similarities.

I hope my ramblings may be of some help!