Are you the partner of a control freak?
Is he or she a controlling personality who likes to get their own way and ignores your own personal feelings?
Maybe you are not too sure about it and need a little help to decide. So here’s few questions you need to ask yourself to help you find out if you are in the powerful grip of a control freak…
Is this you?
- Do you have problems with your spouse or partner being bossy and domineering?
- Do you feel that they verbally and mentally bully you into submission?
- Do they have to have the last say in everything and refuse to listen to your point of view?
- Do they sulk and pout and generally make your life miserable until you give in to them?
- Do they control the finances and decide on what or what not to buy?
If you answered yes to all the above then you are living with a control freak. Control freaks are very difficult to live with as they won’t compromise because that means they are losing control of the situation. They use words as weapons to mentally bully you into submission and make you feel so bad that you take the easy way out every time just for an easy life.
Of course, it’s quite natural to want control of your own life but not to the extent of controlling everyone around you into the bargain. People who exhibit controlling behaviour patterns in a relationship have a personality disorder caused by their own feelings of anxiety and vulnerability.
Control freaks are highly manipulative, cunning, intimidating, and skilled at debate and masters at distorting the real truth in a given situation.They will resort to almost anything to get their own way no matter how wrong and illogical it may be.They simply have to be in control to feel good about themselves.
Being in control of every situation is their way of protecting themselves but they take it to such extremes that it affects everyone around them including their own partners and family. Certain types of control freaks not only have to control the situation but also have to mentally bully you into submission in order for them to feel better about themselves. They use their anger as a weapon if they can’t get their own way.
It is not easy dealing with an angry controlling spouse like this. Your humiliation and weakness empowers them. Your own self-esteem can be so affected by their bullying nature that sometimes the only solution is to walk out the door and start a new life without them.
Trying to change someone who has a domineering personality is a virtually impossible task as they don’t see things like most other people. Everything they do is geared to their own needs and woe betide anyone who tries to stop them getting what they want. They are like a spoilt child who never really grew up.
If you are under the thumb of someone like this and they refuse to change then there is no other choice but to leave for the sake of your own mental health. Suffering in silence is no solution to handling a control freak; they will treat you with the scorn that you deserve for being so weak towards them.
by Anthony Bradley
Have you been affected by a control freak? Please give us your comments in the form below.
Useful Links To Help You Deal With A Control Freak:
Stand up for yourself calmly and confidently
Too nice for your own good? You can stop that right now!
Stop being so defensive!
Put yourself first for a change
Get Rid of Victim Mentality
Assertiveness training hypnosis download
Learn how to say no and mean it!
Build your self esteem now
You may like to read these articles too...
Are Money Problems Pulling Your Marriage Apart?
Control Issues That Cause Marriage Problems
How to Handle Control Issues That Cause Marriage Problems
{ 134 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
Hi,
I recently left my partner after 5 years and moved into temporary accomodation. Shortly after leaving, he contacted me, we met, he said the right things and…… After 3 months the routine got back to “normal” and now I have broken all contact. We have had no contact since 6 weeks and now it is sort of dawning on me how controlled my life has been the last years. I feel I have been hoodwinked and feel foolish for seeing signs and signals but either ignoring them, placing the blame on myself or feeling things would improve.
The reason I am writing, is that my partner was never colerical or “madly” abusive in his behaviour. He is a subtle manipulator and expressed disaproval if he did not get his own way. I would be punished by not being spoken to. For weeks at a time. He would lock himself in the guest room and spend hours on the internet.
If I approached him and asked him to sit down and talk , he would just avoid any eye contact and ignore me. During these bouts of non-communication, buying food and cooking would be seperated, making coffee in the morning would be limited to 2 cups and I would have to run the machine again to get my 2 cups!!
Is this also CF behaviour?
Even when we were on speaking terms, he was very inaffectionate. He took all the love, affection and kindness but was never prepared to give. After a couple of years, I got the impression that affection and love were being given as a reward, but dismissed it as me being paranoid and that a person couldnt be that calculative.
I often openly spoke about weather or not he actually loved me or was just with me for fear of being alone. Always got the answer that of course he loves me, but just has a low sex drive. Apart from him spending time on the internet, I have absolutley no reason for any affairs etc. He always wanted to be around me and never let me out of sight.
I feel like I have been a doormat and puppy dog for the last years. Do blame myself for having put up with it for so long, but he could also be so nice when he wanted to be. These moments were really few and far between, mostly when I was at my limit and expressed wishes to leave. Suddenly the charm came on……
Also whenever we were in public he could be wonderful. Friends and family were led to believe we had the most harmonious relationship. Early on he tried to break contact I had with friends, but I was adamant not to let him succeed there. We went through a stage of being invited and inviting others and having to cancel at the last minute, due to a provoked argument for which I was left feeling guilty for. Suddenly alot of friends did give up inviting and I took the initiative in going alone, if he decided to provoke.
Did that a few times and he started to come along, which as I mentioned was always nice. But we hardly ever were able to invite friends to our place.
Now I am at a stage of picking up the pieces of my life as it is today.
I have lost a lot of good friends along the way but am happy that I also still have good friends too.
I am happy to have established this distance, but am confused.
Anyhow , feel the best thing is to just look forward.
Happy for any advice and hints.
Thanks.
i feel that exact same way…after an argument or when i’m down to saying i’ve had enough and want to leave…he becomes charming and so nice. and it confuses me, thinking things might change for the better…but it never does. my husband works goes to school, and plays wow..world of warcraft for the whole day until he either gets tired enough or when hes ready to leave for work or school. i dont have a car, nor will he let me, he either says i’m not ready or cant afford to… and its hard because i spend my whole day taking the bus. When ever i do ask him for a ride he gets mad and says i’m abusing his generocity for rides. i’m in the position right now of getting some of my things out when hes at work. i’ve tryed talking to him about marriage counceling to see if theres a better way that i can communicate with him..but he just says we don’t need one when we can just talk things out between the both of us….but how do you talk to a person that only hears what they want to hear and see things how they want to see them?
Hi Phona,
my answer to your question would be to not even try talking.
If you make it clear how serious you are about communicating, he will probably end us saying the things that you want to hear.
My advise would be to take some time out for yourself. You neednt neccessarily move out yet, but just try to gain some distance.
A weekend in a remote place where you can gather your thoughts.
What do you like about this person? What do you dislike?
Remember: leaving is a final decision. Once you have made that, then there should be no going back.
If you do decide to make that step, ask for help. A friend, or a relative. Do not be ashamed.
Then move out in one go with this help. He can be there. Do not be afraid.
And then be consequent. It will hurt and you will doubt if you have made the right decision. But with careful prior thought and decisiveness this will keep you strong.
We only have one life. If we are unhappy, something is causing this.
Only we can change this and restore calm and happiness.
Good luck,
Richard
Hi I don’t know if my partner is a control freak but for years he has gone in moods and hasen’t spoken to me for weeks at a time. He constantly reminds me of what he pay’s for in the house and he do’s very little in the house. He never realy ever bother’s with the kid’s, spoil’s every holiday that we go on and we have no friends together and no family, his family hates me with no reason or cause and have caused me alot of heartache, he dosen’t do anything about it. He has been unfaithful and I took him back and he swears he didn’t sleep with her I don’t now what to believe. Weekends he makes sure he is working on Saturday never suggests we go any where and if we do like the pictures it will be a film that he wants to watch after all he is paying he thinks. He had called me fat or I could do with loosing weight I’m size 12 and he never ever compliments. basicaly just lately he has pulled me done with he’s evil attitude towards me and now he wants to leave because he say’s he has no control in the house the kids don’t talk to him so what he is saying is that he wants me to give him control of the kids so he can disapline them more like bully, I have never let him have a say when it comes to the kid’s because he’s wrong I have single handed brought them up and they have heard and seen to much of his foul mouth and seen me cry far to much I’m deeply unhappy but if he go’s for good I’m broke in debit and can barely live and he is going to cut the Internet off the phone and all mobiles because he pay’s for them and is going to disown all of us if I don’t agree to letting him have more say and agree with him about the kids..but what get’s me is the kids are good as gold they have very little as it is and he wants them to earn every penny they have we are talking a fiver once every now and then and all there friends have lot’s more than them he won’t give them pocket money and Ive just had enough..What the hell is wrong with him?..I’m nice lot’s of men look at me, my kid’s all do well at school never in trouble never answer him or me back, we live in a nice house nice area and he acts like a chav from somewhere rough what is his problem?
I have been with my partner for 4 years and everything was going ok until his ex decided to get Child Support Agency involved, i got the blame for that because i had moved into his home and met his child. Don’t see how it was my fault?! He already paid his ex money every week in cash. From then on I have got the blame for everything! If he has a bad day at work it’s my fault! I am very laid back so i just ignore it but now he says everytime i go out i am meeting another man, if i go and stop at my mums im cheating on him, if i talk about the men i work with i have had an affair with them!!! and tonight my mum rang me and asked if i was coming to a party with her and i got told i was not allowed out, but guess where he is now, at the pub watching football, is this normal? It’s ok for him to go and do what he wants but im not allowed? I get told on a daily basis that im thick and useless and thats because i have natural blonde hair. I can’t be that thick if i do the accounts for a company that turns over £5 million a year!
If you are searching the web to figure out how to deal with your spouse, then I can assure you that one of you has a problem with control. I have been with my wife for four years and after two counselors and three pastors all confirming my fears I can tell you that my wife is a control freak. One common theme that I have noticed in all of your stories is that the controller can almost “switch” on the charm when things get to a breaking point. Normal people typically take time to warm back up to you when things get bad. I have to ask myself, “was she really that upset to begin with?”. Some examples, because I am expected to provide them when I am displeased with any aspect of my relationship with my wife. She is always pointing out what I am doing wrong. There is never any ‘down time’. She has her work blackberry at her side 24/7, even on vacation, she worked or checked on work every day. She skips meals to work. If she is not working, she has to be resolving an issue. If I want to spend time with a friend, she has to know every detail (when, where, what we talked about, how long, …everything). If I play in the church band she complains about how much time it takes away from the family. She constantly points out the short-comings of anyone I associate with. If she is unhappy about anything she amplifies it and often takes it out on me. In groups of people she redirects most conversations to what she wants to talk about rather than participating or just listening to others. She doesn’t like to spend time with people that she has not brought together. She pouts. She claims that I didn’t say things that I know I had said. She often changes the context of my comments to win an argument. She claims she is joking after she says ugly things. She says “I just don’t communicate well” or “I didn’t understand” as a defense to her childish behavior and turns on the charm, imagine that. If I fail to change my daughter’s diaper in a timely manor, I am questioned about what prevented me from getting it done. If I don’t want to take my daughter to the doctor at the first sign of illness, I “am willing to let her suffer” (using her words). We argue about everything imaginable. The kind of shirt I put on my daughter, the temperature setting on the A/C, the speed of the ceiling fans, the time we have dinner every night. She has to be “debriefed” about my conversations ever time I hang up the phone. She calls my phone an average of 8 times a day. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Tony, I soooo hear you! God didn’t intend things to be this way. I am at my wits end here too. I’ve had people who I confided in & trusted basically throw their textbook approach at me & say “You can only change yourself… what can you do?” I have bought this for 7 years & examined the state of my soul, but I am now almost burnt out as I just feel that I have nothing left to give! I feel no love for her anymore. I am a peacemaker myself & hate arguments; she thrives on them & has this amazing ability to twist anything anybody says into some distorted whakko message so far off the mark its not funny.
I feel that nothing I do or say is ever going to be good enough. Criticized for everything. You don’t dare stand up for yourself.
There are always “valid reasons” to their point of view, but I feel more & more that the true reason for anything they push is hidden & if confronted… they just deny it then turn to dump their anger on you! Anyway, I’d love to hear back from you whenever you get this.
Bless you bro.
I HEAR ALL OF YOU..MY HUSBAND HAS TO HAVE EVERY THING HIS WAY..WE HAVE TO BUY GROCERYS AT HIS STORE ..IF HE GIVES ME MONEY HE SAYS YOU DIDNT BUY FOOD ETC..I KNOW THEY BELITTLE YOU TO GET THEIR WAY AND THEN DONT APOLOGIZE CUZ THEY ARE NEVER WRONG..HE CONTROLS THE MONEY..ALSO HE CONTROLS MY CONVERSATION IN A SOCIAL SITUATION LIKE SAYING ‘HUSH’
TRYING TO BELITTLE MY OPINION ETC..CRAZY ITS LIKE THEY ARE NEVER HAPPY WITH HOW YOU DO THINGS THEIR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY ..ITS HELL ..YOU LOSE YOURSELF IN THEM…TRY TO TALK WITH THEM END GET SOME CHANGES GOING OR ELSE LEAVE
i am in a relaitionship and im very confused.i see myself as a very good wife i go to wok come home cook the tea do the cleaning and the cooking.i couldnt fault myself.my husband is a lovely man but sometimes he picks at things and wont speak to me for weeks.at the moment its been 7 weeks when we go on holiday everytime he stays in the room and finds a fault.he just ruins the holiday.at the moment i feel like a prisoner in my own home.im so unhappy.
Your life is so like mine.I go to work full time ,always cook a meal when i get home,look after the kids..but nothing is ever right…my brain actually hurts when he eventually finishes with his ranting and shouting…why i stay with my husband who knows … he is such a horrible person..we live in england..we went to Florida for a dream holiday…what a waste of money.he just ruined it ..he sulks, bosses me about til i give in ..i cant go to a certain shop, if i do go (without him knowing) i have to take the labels off..so it dont cause an argument…my family dont visit..they hate it..Sometimes he is nice …but i always pay for this. I could write a book about my husband..why we all have to walk on eggshells..he should be kissing my feet..i treat him like a king and he treats me like a dog…my mum said to me the other day ” 1 day Lisa , you will find the strengh to leave him” ..i hope so ..for my sanitity
I had a relationship with a control freak that lasted 25 years. The longevity was due to the fact that we lived apart for the first 18! During those years he was wonderful (I guess because he controlled the frequency of our meeting) There were signs along the way……….vile, abusive verbal fights noiw and then………………..I always grovelled back. When we started living together is when the MONSTER reared its ugly head and being the smart and totally in love person that I was I bided my time using all the methods that you read about in these cases. I finally left when during one of his particularly horrible verbal abuse tirades I had the vision of myself cutting his heart out while he was still alive…………………..scared the daylights out of me. I left everything of mine behind. It took me 6 months to get my belongings out of his house. After almost a year I am still haunted by visions of what he almost drove me to do.
This article and the comments that follow have been tremendously helpful. I thought I was going insane. After 10 years of being with a controlling bully, I have finally seen the light. It was like a game my husband would play, he would be verbally abusive, sulk, threaten, I would be convinced ” right this is THE last time I put up with this” and then he would turn on the charm, beg forgiveness, promise the earth and reel me back in. There would be a few months of good behavour and then BANG, another tantrum, more insults, always worse than the previous. I feel angry at myself for not realising the situation sooner, but it just sort of creeps up on you. I’m not a stupid woman, Im not one of life’s victims, I thought I could help him, I loved him, I wanted my marriage to work. But now my only advice to any woman in this situation is, get out and get out fast, this man will destroy you.
Ok here goes…. this isnt easy for me as am sat at home on his computer (have called in sick with migrane, which i think is due to the stress of living with my partner George*. I feel really bad, especially as he thinks im fine and should go to work, but couldnt face it today, feel so blue) I met him at a Dance weekender last year, we hit it off imediately. Though social websites we managed to stay in touch as we lived over 300 miles apart. We then exchanged numbers and agreed to meet, initially him coming to me. Again we got on fantastically and i couldnt believe my luck, i really believed fate played a huge part and that i had struck gold. In time we started a long distance relationship, spending most weekends driving up and down the country to be together. He was always saying how he couldnt believe his luck and was scared he would ‘wake up and find i was only a dream’. I was showered with gifts and love throughout the beginning of our relationship. Flowers at work, love letters, you name it.
The whole ‘moving in together discussion’ came earlier than normal i suppose, due to the distance, but in the end it was agreed that i would move to him as he had a house (that needed and still needs work) which he would lose money on if he sold, and the better paid secure job, that he may not find on relocating. We had been together less than a year but at the time it felt right, that life was there for taking chances. I left my job of 5years, where i made good close friends, Left behind my lovely family and friends…..basically my life, which was a happy one…… to start a new beginning with him. Unfortunately, now, i realise i may regret this, i have made the huge sacrifises to be with him and i get no thanks for this.
I now believe that George* is a control freak. Everything i do is wrong. He gets very ’stressed’ as he has a bad enough time at work …..(where i dont think he is popular at all with his peers, he is rarely ever invited out with them) ….without having to ‘deal with me aswell’. I ‘rarely make decisions’ , leaving it all to him,but when i do make a decision,cue the criticsm.
Lets begin on the behaviour…. He only likes the toilet paper hung a certain way, his clothes folded a certain way, things have places and if they are not in the correct place it drives him mad. I cannot (and i mean CANNOT) talk to him whilst he is getting ready for work, as it can make him enraged, he is very structured on how he gets ready, even if he slept in, he would still go through the same routine. He packs his shopping a certain way and is very fussy about the products we have. I work full time, i was very lucky to get a job in my proffession so that i started within a week of moving. I work long hours, then have to come home, cook, wash up and tidy away. He will just sit on the couch watching tv (his programmes 99% of the time) He will sometimes question how i cooked the meal and criticise if i havent done it the way he would. He even went mad as i used the wrong baking tray once, which i couldnt believe. I have known him to check the things i have washed up, to make sure ive ‘done them properly’. on occasion a plate or cup has gone in the cupboard with a smear, or a knife may have accidently gone back in the drawer without being washed, trivial things yes? No! This sort of thing can leave him in a real mood, and the criticsms can get cutting (you need to grow up, did your mum do everything for you, i cant believe i have to show you how to do this properly, how old are you, you need to act your age)
Ive had the same hairdresser for years and will not change, i coincide trips home to my family with appointments as i cant bear to go anywhere else. He now hates my hair ‘its too weird, short, it was never like that when we first met’ my arguement is that my hairdresser is a trendy one and i like to experiment a bit….always have….always will. He wants me to grow my hair but no chance.
Our last holiday was a nightmare to be honest, he paid for it, which i am greatful for, though never asked him to. We did everything he wanted, ate where he wanted, visited the places he wanted, drank where he wanted and retired to our room when he wanted. my suggestions brought on a curled lip, and sometimes a row, as i ‘only seem to like tourist traps, like a typical annoying tourist’ but my point would be, we are in a spanish town, we are tourists, and whats wrong with trying different things (he has been to this spanish town on a few occasions in the past, so now it seems he has fixed ideas of what is good to do there) I, in the end couldnt wait to get back, and organise a weekend with my family.
I now desperately need a newer car, my little Nissan is falliing apart so i need to get a newer model asap (cant bear to not visit home, had to leave it three months before as things kept ‘coming up’ cannot and will not leave it this long again, that thought leaves me feeling trapped and depressed) He would like to choose my car for me as he believes the model and make i really want is no good, even though i have done my research and it is a fantastic car.
Im debating going to the doctor for anti depressants as feel that low at times, am so homesick it tears me up. I have looked on websites for advice but at times i feel i cant give anymore, ive already given enough, talking doesnt help as the results of that are temporary. I feel really foolish as its obvious something isnt right here, is it my fault….is it me, everyone in my life says no, even some of his freinds (not that he has many) say i deserve a medal. One has offered me a room in her house so that i can have some space, its very very tempting.
Any advice, am i the one in the wrong here, or should i start the ball rolling on returning back (I have lived here nearly a year)
May
I have just read your story with deep sadness and many tears. I have recently left an absive marriage. Like you I moved three hours away from my family to be with him deciding that it was easier for me to move to where he lived. He displayed many signs your partner does and believe me it doesnt get better it only gets worse. My husband was verbally abusive controlling manipulative and played mind games all the time. I spent two years in a state of confusion thinking it was all my fault. He convinced me that I was crazy and refused to speak to me for days and weeks at a time until I sought psychiatric help. I need you to know May that none of this is your fault and sounds like he has a personality flaw. My advice would be to return to your family for support they will understand. You can then start to rebuild your life. You seem a lovely person who deserves better. I want to wish you lots of luck for the future.
Dear May
this is exactly how it started with my husband. I thought I had met the “man of my dreams” it seemed as if we were just meant for each other. Now people ask me how I put up with him for so long, well, when he was good, he was great, loving thoughtful, and we were just so close. After 10 years he has got gradually worse, I was his scapegoat, I got the blame for everything that went wrong. May, the best thing you can do is get out of this relationship and find someone who will love and cherish you. Imagine getting old with this man ? …scary thought is’nt it. I don’t believe these people are really capable of love, it’s all about control. Return to you r family for love and support, Be strong and good luck.
I really hope you can find your way as my mums ex was this way and she found a way out.
Thank you for this website.
I had lived until two years ago with a woman who I had fallen in love with 18 years ago. We had many happy times and two children. But as the years progressed things changed. It was subtle but everything had to be done her way. If I did DIY on our house and there was a slight mistake, that was picked on, she would say we should have got someone in. And if there was something I did not agree with she would acuse me of talking down to her or patronising her and I would end up apologising. And she would shout and bring up things from years ago. It was mental abuse, I suffered with some health issues. So I opted for the quiet life for a number of years and put up with it. I know now that I should not have but we had kids, it was difficult.
However, there was an incident where at a party she got very drunk, I was driving. She passed out in bathroom, and I thought I’m revolted by this and I’m not putting up with this anymore. So I started sticking up for myself. I was not going to be a victim anymore. But it is not that easy. She announced she met somebody else. I was powerless to do anything about this because she refused to talk becasue she was in control. She said she would tell the children, so I did. She went ballistic and I ended up apologising. She had moved into the spare room, but did not leave for 5 months. It was all about her. She decided when she was going to move. The kids stayed with me, but I know it has affected them. My son stood up to her, and she has been really nasty towards him and rarely makes any contact. My daughter, well she tried to get her to move in with her. But she would not. My daughter stays alternate weekends with her mum now.
I went to counselling which helped me rebuild my life. I have in the last year met someone else, but even now two years after she left the Ex is still causing problems. Wanting to have power. Generally I do not rise to the bait and largely ignore her. My new girlfriend lives some distance away and it is only some weekends when my daughter is with her mum that I can see her. The Ex informed me that she was going on holiday for a week with her man a few days before I was going to see my girlfriend and so is still messing up my life today. The kids were not invited on the holiday. This holiday includes a weekend when my daughter would normally stay with her mum. And so I am expected to be responsible for her.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I tell her this is not on then she knows she has control because I am reacting. If I don’t it could affect my new relationship and she has control.
Richard, I have read your story and others with interest as I also married who I thought was the woman of my dreams 10 years ago, things went bad although I put up with it “for the kids”. I was constantly ridiculed left with no money to socialise, constanly did DIY on the house which was criticised, especially if I decided to rest. Things got worse, she would tell her friends how “Bad” I was to her and they would take me aside to talk to me one older male friend who did everything for her, lifts, errands while I was at work, she liked to refer to him as “her bitch” he hated it yet would speak to me about my behaviour, why does he stick by her? He feels sorry for her due to the story of her terrible abusive childhood she experienced. the bully is very clever and able to manipulate people effectively. I could not decide what to do, life had to be better elsewhere, I didn’t know if it was right to get out, was it even my fault. My wife even tried turn my stepdaughter against me by telling me she was scared of me which my stepdaughter would decline to do. I tried talking to her saying I was unhappy in our marriage and was told what terrible thing to say to any woman, turning it round on me.
Then on my birthday last year (38) she told me “she” was heart broken as she had been out with someone and as a married woman should not “have” to do that, however he was younger and better looking so it would never have worked, therfore my present was that she would stay with me.
After an over night visit in hospital due to being found by the police (I had been on anti depressants for the last year) We agreed a separation, her terms were I had to leave for 6 months wine and dine her, court her again then come back into the house as her friend. I left knowing that I would never go back and within a month had started divorce proceedings. She has even tried to control the divorce, she has stopped most access to my daughter to increase her CSA income, lied over her finances to the court, falsified house valuations, the list goes on. She has gone back to her partner she left when we got together 10 years ago, he is supporting her in stopping access, they even went on holiday without my daughter leaving her with a friend and told me 24hrs before leaving where my daughter was.
Only last night picking my daughter up I received a barrage of abuse which is now a police matter.
The moral of this story to anyone in an abusive relationship and wondering what to do…… get out!!!!
It is 11 months today since I left, my health is better, I take no medication, I have a wonderful new supportive girlfriend who is baffled by the whole thing however, as I said very supportive. My estranged wife will try and control my life continually, I have to live with it, the hardest thing is, she will do it through my daughter.
If I dont retaliate and provide my daughter with best love/support I can perhaps she will move on and bully someone else.
Finacially it may cost me everything I have to divorce her and get a fair settlement. However the future looks rosy and I am a better person than I have been in many years.
It was not my fault. I tried hard to make it work, however you cannot work/live with such a person, they will never understand your feelings or accept and value you.
There is someone else for you who will.
My thoughts are with you all.
x
Richard
Now single and happy with two children. 16 years of being with control freak, and verbal bully. Now ended. Kids have to see him – the law thing. Years of anguish, pain , now peace. Seen professional people to sort out my brain. Sifted through all the feelings. Totally different person now – the person I want to be. Enjoy my job and people. Don’t look back when made decision. Good luck to others. Agree with what is said by people. Life is for living.
Hi gents,
I have been reading this web site and it is interesting to see men feeling they are also victims of control freaks. My wife, of 16 years, only just admitted she is one. For years, I felt the problems were me, my work (military and always away) were the problems in our relationship. However, my wife would make me feel like a visitor in my home and state I was not to interfere in how it was run when I was at home.
Now I am out of the military, she can not accept I am part of our family at home all the time. She admits now she is jealous of my life style ( I work part time now) and freedom I have in my life earned from 25 years of very hard work. I felt I was to blame, sought counselling, was prescribed anti depressants and tried to fit in.
Lately, I changed Doctor and was advised to cease medication and use other strategies. he suggested he felt it was not me and asked my wife to come along to a few sessions. Bingo!! These have brought out the truth now that i am a victim of an over controlling woman who is an insecure and anxious person, relating to how her mother and father treated her as a child and her fathers treatment of her mother (abusive) .
If she can not control me and the kids, she goes into tantrums, no sex for months, I can not kiss her, sleeps in the spare room, ceases assisting in the house, no prepared meals at short notice, no talking and general silent treatment of us all or yelling and screaming at us.
We have had to separate for weekends to have peace in our home. When alone with my children, they are relaxed and life is good and chores get done and there is happy communication with children’s friends over (My wife controls visitors and if/when kids friends can come over – never allowed to drop in)
She complains that I am unloving and not supportive of her and felt, heck, maybe i am that way? Men often blame themselves and feel they are the support in a family. I have now realized, it is NOT me, I am not the fault. I find it hard to love her now and I am preparing to move on, I need to in order to not go mad and to find happiness again. I have been deeply unhappy for over 10 years. My kids want to come with me and I have to now work out a plan to move along.
So men, we are sometimes the victims too, but i am sad to see so many women suffering in silence. Get out girls, live life, there is only one life, it is now and it is yours to live and enjoy. Be happy, we all have a right to that and deserve it. Don’t let others, with their inner problems ruin you. Good luck. It is a “Wide Open Road” out there.
My first marriage was to a controlling man… lasted 18 years. He controlled all the money -and spent freely for his own good times but then told me there wasn’t money for me to take our kids for an end of school year ice cream and such… despite our combined 6 figure income. He joined a gym but told me that I could move the rocks in our yard if I wanted exercise. He bought new clothes but told me I had no reason to need new clothes as I only went to work and home to be with our kids. Etc. I believed much of what he told me until I got the guts to look at what was happening. He was with strippers and hookers frequently each week and was buying them expensive gifts too. One traveled with him on a business trip. Etc. I left him and started over with shared 50/50 custody of our kids (same town). I finally was able to make my own decisions for the first time in about 2 decades. I could cook what I wanted when I wanted. I could do the grocery shopping. If I needed new bras, I could buy them if I had the extra money. I could watch what I wanted on TV. I didn’t have to hear someone tell me every day how what I was doing was done not correctly or how he could do it better (including painting the walls and vacuuming the floors). It was nice to finally live without constant criticism and to have my life back. I met a man. He learned the story of my first marriage. He seemed to be what my ex was not. He was fine with me managing finances and knowing when I did or didn’t need to purchase something. He was fine with me cooking what I wanted to cook. He complimented me often, etc. Eventually we decided to get live together and got engaged. He made clear that he wanted to have another baby. We were both in our mid-40s. I didn’t think I could get PG and my older children were all moving on out of high school and into college. I was finally getting more time to do what I wanted. But he was obsessed with the idea of having “our child” (his two were also older teens). I gave in. We spoke with docs. With their support we quickly and naturally became pregnant. I love our son dearly and can’t imagine life without him. But as soon as we were married and then pregnant, my husband changed. He became controlling. If I wanted to buy anything (even pencils for my job as a teacher) he had a big issue with it. If I wanted new bras because my old were worn and no longer fit due to my breast feeding, he gave me a bunch of reasons why I didn’t really need new bras. When he is home he is keeper of the TV and its usually sports or history channel (I am bored with both). He is home most of the day, leaving for work shortly before I get home. Yet we put our son in daycare full time and my husband seldom sees him. He is often short with our son when he is with him, so I don’t fight against the full time daycare for our son… at least I know he is safe there. I don’t have spending money at all. My husband used to check my cell phone and my on-line activity all the time. I suspect he still does but I have nothing to hide, so it doesn’t bother me. Yet I have the inability to check his phones (work and personal cell). He has them with him all the time. I suspect he may be on line chatting with others (that is how I met him) and that he may be looking for an affair. We seldom have sex because of our different work schedules. I am exhausted all the time… putting in 10 hour work days and then coming home to take care of our son and household chores. My husband works weekends. But he only works 4 hours per day (but has a long commute). I feel like I lost all ability/control in my life. When I want to send a gift to my older kids or help them financially (they are both on their own as struggling college students) my husband says we don’t have the money. Like my ex, he makes quite a bit more than I do. I make mid-40s salary as a teacher. I feel like I work my butt off at work but never see a penny of my pay. He regularly puts me down, finds fault with nearly everything I do, and is generally a very negative person. He wasn’t these things when we were dating/engaged. I now have to consider if I am going to go through another divorce, this time with a very young child. I don’t want to have another long term marriage where I am controlled constantly. My husband has stated if we divorced I’d never get a penny from him. Oh… and after we were married I found out that much of our relationship was based on lies. I found out through his older kids that he was absent from their lives years at a time as he cheated on their mother and even lived states away from them to be with other women. He lead me to believe that he never cheated. He told numerous other lies to, all which came out into the open after we were married. So add to my frustration at being with a controlling person, I am also dealing with feelings of not being able to trust what he says. After we were married he took a job transfer to another state…. and I had to find another job… and leave my older kids behind. I miss them and often wonder when I will get to see them again. I love my husband… but I don’t… if that makes any sense. When I visualize happiness, I don’t visualize him in the picture. When I visualize sadness, frustration, emptiness, I see it if I remain in this relationship. But I have my son to think about…… doing what is right is hard. I love the area/climate I now live in and probably would not move back near my older kids because they are so busy with their own lives I probably wouldn’t see them much if I was there. But at least I’d have the ability to save for a trip to go see them with my son. Right now… I never know when my husband will grant me permission……. I hate that. I’m nearly 50 and treated like a child.
I guess the grass isnt greener on the other side..unfortunately im still stuck in a controlling marriage..thinking to leave when my son goes to college…..ive been a doormat for his nuerotic brain…
Kay,
I understand completely what you mean about loving your husband and not at the same time. I feel that.
And I too am almost 50 (in a few months) and find my husband still treats me like a child. But then again he treats most people that way so I know it’s not me.
Good luck!
I am so grateful to have found this site, and have made a few comments. Feels like I am describing what happens here every day; like someone has been documenting my day, only it sounds like I am not alone in this.
What I really want to know is … how the heck do the people who you trusted over the years with your marital struggles, can be so utterly totally blind to it all????? Very frustrating trying to get help when the very support people refuse to believe you! In this I am finding out who my friends really are I guess. Anyway, thanks to all for your shared stories….. I can really relate to David’s comments. David, you make me laugh mate. Your story is so ID to me. good on you mate!
This been quite a revelation, I have been restling with my mind for nearly 12 months now and had put my feelings down to a mid life crisis, but I felt somehow it was’nt and something else was wrong.
I have been married for 15 years ironically apparently “happily”, but last year something just clicked and I felt very down and wished to be on my own. It’s taken six months and some councelling, to understand how dominated and overwhelmed I have been, my wife controls everything I do, where I go, who I am with and what I wear.
She happily says I am fat, don’t walk properly, have poor posture and critisizes most things I do if they do not benefit her directly. Anything of mine has to be put away, or put in the garage out of sight. The dishes must be put in a particular sink, washing done in a certain manner, I am an exellent DIYer but i get critisized for doing it wrong. This has all finally got to me, like the rest of you, the charm gets turned on and everything is meant to be ok, but it is not I don’t want to smile and say ok everythings fine anymore.
I feel totally worthless and have told friends so, I am not I have a responsible job earn good money ( yet am never allow to spend any on myself ) whilst the house is immaculate and I pay all the main household bills, I can get critisized for spending even as little as £1.99 on myself.
As aresult I am now considering leaving, I see the rest of my life just continuing in this manner, I now feel resentment for putting so much in to this marriage and coming without so little, but think I will go mad if I don’t end it for my own dignity if nothing else. This article has been a help, as it helps me to feel I have not been imagining “IT’S ME” all the time and as others say I have always given in for a quiet life. I’m still there for the time final courage to go still eludes me, hopefully I will get there.
i have been with my girlfriend on and off for 6 years, we met wen we were 17, had our first baby together when we were 18, lived together for 4 months before i coudnt take another second of her controlling, jealous, possesive and agressive behaviour. we then spent a few years apart, i still got A LOT of phone calls, txts etc (even when she knew i was working) usually just to demand i gave her more money on payday (she had nearly half of my £120 wage whilst she picked up nearly £300 a week on DLA aswell) or i picked her up some shopping on my way to see my daughter.
this all came to a head one night wen i was asleep with my little girl on the couch at her flat, ******* stumbled in at 6am with a guy, woke me and my daughter up laughing and just generally being loud (like normal ;p) jumped in my daughters bed and started having (REALLY LOUD) sex wit this guy. maybe im overreacting but i went in the room, shouted sum obscenites at her and walked home.
we didnt talk for about 2 months until she invitd me round for a meal, we ended up getting quite drunk and she turned on the tears saying how sorry she was etc etc, i fell for it, stopped thinkin with my head and started thinking with my dick, we had “makeup sex” and that was that. but that wasnt that. id got her pregnant. again.
lost my job and my flat another month later (my own fault lol) she jumped at it and said i could move in with her for a bit. i knew it was a bad idea but didnt have anywere else to go at the time so.. before this happened, i had some good mates, a busy social life and i was HAPPY. as soon as id moved back in with her, my mates would ring me up at the weekend asking if i was coming out for a drink, she would use the usual control freak excuses for me not to go out and leave her ( my mates cant stand her so she wasnt invited). so i just said i was tired or busy. but the odd time i did go out, it was like any other time i went out without her. constant phone calls and txts, even to the ppl i was with! (she always has to know who im with, what im doing, what im saying, when im coming back, why arnt i back yet, am i cheating on her) eventually they stopped asking me as they knew wat my answer would always be and they probably just dont want to be harassed by my psycotic girlfriend! i can now say i have no friends, i even find myself avoiding their texts, facebook msgs etc when they do contact me.
im sick of being treated like a babysitter, she can swan off shopping with her friends and be out all day and i dont harrass her when shes coming back. i take my daughter to school everyday and pick her up, make the kids meals, look after the baby ALL of the time, which in a way is probably better because she just shouts and screams at them most of the time anyway. im fed up with being put down in front of friends (hers and mine) and basically living my life as her butler and nanny.
she is determined that i WILL marry her, i just humour her to keep the peace at the minute, although its getting harder not to tell her what i really think :p.
i have the strength to leave her and i WILL do it, i’l just feel reallly bad on the kids having to live with her afterwards. the only family i have live on the other side of the country or abroad. is it right i leave the kids just to get away from the woman? even if i send any money i earn to her till i can get my life back on track? im 23, shoudnt i have a life aswell as my responsibilities?
will be very grateful for any advice i can get, it was just good to get this off my chest as it seems noone is there to listen to me anymore.
:) thanx x
Ive been married 17 years. The first 16 years were actually great. We met and fell head over heals for one another. We had a lot in common. We liked the same restorants, movies, music, cars. colors. We grew to love one another more everyday to the point we were very compatible. We moved in together right away and then had her sister and husband move in with us and we all got along great. I got a job that paid well but required a lot of hours. and she became pregnant and we bought a nice home to start our own family. 10 years later her father started a massage business and we made a large investment into the business. My wife said she wanted to work part time as a ditrict manager. I knew I couldnt tell her NO. So I just told her that it is a management position and that I would be worried that she could turn into a control freak like some bosses I have had in the past. You know, They were great before they were a manager. So she began working as a district manager and she would hire and fire so many different managers. I noticed she liked them in the beginnig and then once they would try to give their point of view or suggestions she would get VERY upset and fire them. In 2006 my inlaws opened a new store and they asked me to run it. I put in a month notice at my high paying job and took a major pay cut to help out the family. The day I started I noticed a whole different person in my wife and her family. What jerks they were to work with. I did manage to let there BS go past me and I made the new store thrive on my own. My inlaws started to be nice and started to tell me A++ job constantly. But then I noticed my wifes attitude towards me that she didnt like the compliments I was getting and she hired a manager for my store. I told her that the store cannot afford a manager. But she snapped at me and said that we need her and I cant wait to get you out so I can have control. I got very upset and 2 months later my inlaws crashed down on me and fired me and just made the worst family fued ever. While this hurt me to the point of depression. My wife did nothing but humiliate, bash, critizise and scream at me. I never ever fought back at her before. But this time I yelled back because she just tried to control me. I helped out around the house and she just bashed me that I didnt scrub the toilet the way she does it. You name it. I got bashed for it. She would just redicule me constantly about how much better she is than I. I was just so hurt and I finally started to quit fighting her so we could get our lifes back on track and that is not working either. I cant beleive she is destroying our family just so she can have control. I got her to go to marraige councling and she convinced the councler that I got drunk everyday after I was fired. (I admit I did go on a 3 day drinking binge and that was it). Not only is she a control freak but she is good at twisting the truth around. Now she is bashing me to my children, neighbors and freinds. She tells my children that she hates me and she wants me out of the house. She tells my children that I tried to punch her but she ducked. (I have never hit my wife ever nor will I ever)In the mean time I tell my children to always love your mother. My wife is just out to destroy me now. Everything I worked so hard for is now coming to an end. I have tried and tried to reconcile but she is just too controling with her cut downs. I am to the point I know im beating a dead horse. Im better off just giving up. I have lost hope.
Hi, reading some of these comments has really helped me.
My g\f (now ex) was not jealous, possessive, aggressive and didn’t mind me seeing friends\family but was so controlling in other ways, especially domestically. I couldn’t wash up properly, clean properly, make the bed, i was clumsy, a grot etc. If she was in kitchen she would be on the laptop and i could see her watching me wash up. Sometimes she’d come over and tell me i was washing up ‘wrong’. She would take over making dinner because i wasn’t making the spag bol ‘her way’. At first i thought maybe i was clumsy,dirty etc but then I realised it was about everything I did. I am sure i did do somethings ‘wrong’ but eventually it was the CONSTANT CRITICISMS that made me a bag of nerves around her. When i challenged her she would say ‘ you make me like this’ and ‘ i have never lived with anyone as grotty as you’. She would also inspect how i washed the plates, pots etc. My self esteen, confidence was at and all time low . It was all my fault!!
It’s funny but if the house was a mess she was ok. This would not phase her. However, she would only criticize me
once i was actually in the process of washing up, cleaning etc. Basically, i was doing it ‘wrong’ . Twice i snapped back at her and she said ‘ Im sick of your temper, i never know you will blow up next’…..( she snapped far more times than me)
Once she even barked at me becuase i left a pasta sauce bottle in the larder instead of the fridge-’how many times do i have to tell you?’ Also she said ‘ I dont like you drinking so much’ if I had just 3 cans of beer on a sat night watching a movie. The strangest comment ever was ‘ you just don’t think about the consequences do you’ after I went to bed and left the kitchen light on! What consequences ??
If we were watching tv, another trait was that i wasn’t allowed an opinion on anyone or anything, if it was different to hers. She would say ‘ we just have different values don’t we, i wonder about you sometimes’ There was no room for debate- I was wrong and boy did i feel guilty about my views( not extreme bye the way). She hardly ever apologised. On one occasion she did apologise for a row she started by saying ‘I’m sorry but are you sorry too?’
Reading these sites I should have seen the signs. She was caring, loving, affectionate really early on. She complimented me and i felt so good i thought i had met the ‘one’. The funny this is it was her who wanted out as in the end everything i did just irritated her!! When we split the other week she was crying so i assumed she was upset about us finishing. Wrong. As she sobbed she said ‘ I cant believe I am single again and will have to start all over again’. No mention of me or our relationship that had just ended!!
In company she was great. My family and friends loved her. I have searched many sites and can’t pinpoint what condition she has(if at all) as she has a some but not all traits of each disorder? Anyone experienced anything like this? Any help appreciated as i am so confused by these events.
cheers
Joe
am new to the internet but find this very helpful…me control freak says the opposite and who can use the brain to reverse what they really think and want….long periods of silence and afraid to make comments oe ask questions….kitchen and eating problem so he calls his mother…age 80 he is 60…again very neat and organized..towels hung at center…no more wine out of wine glasses because he is in charge after critcism of smudge s0 everyday glass now becasue he will not be in charge.i am leaving..
the physical response to control freaks is damaging to health. I have had acid stomache and sour mouth and worry so much about my dental enamel or getting ulcers.,,my brain waves know things are not good so m..y friends know more than I tell them..avoid friends is a sure clue to a contr freak….big ego and blame others part of the negative style, hard to believe he is the the same man… romance andhe is not the person I first knew,,
Thank you all for your stories, they have helped me this night. I am up late tonight out of desperation and unhappiness. My husband is a control freak especially with money. He was raised by an uber-control freak Mother and Father who went along with the Mom. I have no contact now with her.
At first i thought it was me thinking that it takes two to tango in a relationship, right? I see now that for the first 4 years I enabled him, the 5th year I couldn’t take it anymore and yelled at him almost straight for about 3 mos! This slowed him down. And surprisingly he did change somewhat.
I stopped yelling finally! Over the past year I have slowly started to treat him the way he treats me. I didn’t know I had actually turned the tables on him…I didn’t plan it. It has been a self-protective move otherwise I would have left.
The sad result…..I don’t like myself anymore and have decided to stop allowing him to push my buttons…..I want to keep the good parts with him because there are many and get rid of the crappy parts (don’t know if that’s possible but I’m going to try).
If things don’t improve might have to hit the road. Wish me luck!
I am what you describe – the control freak. I did not realise what I was doing. My wife left me a year ago. I now realise what a muddle I was in. I was ‘fighting the world’ for no good purpose. It took me 6 months and a prompt from a friend which allowed me to stand back and look at myself. I never set out to control my wife. We fill each other’s voids. I did not set out to bully the person I love and still love. She never stood up to me and slowly the balance tipped more and more until after 26yrs of generally happy marriage and 3 daughters she ran away from all of us. Now I understand what went wrong I believe I have completely changed. My friends and daughters say I have. I have got rid of all my ‘toys’ I have honestly changed my attitude to life and no longer am i at odds with society. How do I get this across to my wife in the hope that she will at least try me out. She has hidden herself away in a cottage in Scotland saying she is terrified of me. I have never been violent, never been rude, never been drunk etc… I just need a chance. Friends seem unable to get the message through. It is all too late as far as she is concerned yet we will both be unhappy as single people and our daughters, even though young adults, are devastated.
I leave the country for extened periods on business. I purposely take these jobs to get away. She is afraid of swallowing a pill, taking any form of medication, and still demands that everything must be under her control; finances, banking accounts, driving the car or boat. I had to buy a second boat just to get time behind the wheel and not be ridiculed by all the other boaters and their wives. She has nevr had a job nor has she finished her HS degree. I have a BS in Engineering and an MBA. If she doesn’t get her way she has a fit, calls her mother and the police. I have been arrested for abuse numerous times and everytime the charges are dropped. She says she doesn’t want to destroy my career because we need my income and she doesn’t have one, but I need to understand her fear of alcohol and public settings. I like to sing karaoke and never have more than a couple of drinks. SHe starts bitching that I better not drink tonight even before we leave the house. None of my arrests were alcohol related and all of our children tell her to stp and cry and defend me in court. I am leaving for Kuwait in a few days. She won’t fly but I keep trying to get her to take a course to larn to fly and come visit. She also accuses me of being unfaithful. I am not. She believes everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, yet she drinks on occassion. She accuses my daughters with everything under the sun, but her daughter is perfect. I miss my girls and her daughter but stayig home is not possible. I am missing the best yers of my life hiding overseas.
← Previous Comments