31. Thinking you can do this alone

32. Ignoring your lawyer’s advice

33. Fighting every issue for the sake of fighting ~ choose your disputes wisely

34. Focusing on prior problems and complaints rather than resolving the present issues

35. Being afraid of the courtroom ~ don’t negotiate things at the last minute

36. Not changing the beneficiaries on your IRA’s, 401(k), work retirement plans, wills, insurance policies ~ also don’t forget to change your emergency contact at work

37. Failing to use computer models to evaluate settlement proposals ~ they are comprehensive and realistic analyses of your post-divorce lifestyle

38. Leaving important records in the house - birth certificates, passports (especially if your ex has an out-of-country passport or unlimited funds), financial records (savings, stockbroker, real estate partnership), tax records, and data that relates to your marital life style (checking accounts, charge card statements, tax returns), etc. ~ (don’t forget to go through your safe deposit box)

39. Assuming you will get nothing - assume you CAN get everything and start negotiating from there. Everything is yours - your ex has to prove it is hers - this may not sound like the right thing to do, but think about it

40. Making decisions based on emotion ~ separate your emotions from your finances ~ understand the VALUE of each item, not your emotional attachment

41. Not being the first to file with the court and not talking to your lawyer about getting a temporary order granting you custody immediately, then pursue making that order permanent if you want custody of your kid(s)

42. Signing preliminary agreements - your lawyer cannot always find a way to break these agreements

43. Moving out of your home - it’s yours too. Don’t leave it until you absolutely have no other choice. Once you have moved (and left your children with your ex), your chances of getting either back are almost nil. Do what you need to make this happen (babysitter, etc.). you are the more responsible, caring, capable of the parents (or at least just as capable as your ex)

44. Not fighting any court orders immediately - never give up hope

45. Not talking to your lawyer about tying up any assets/income which your ex can use for legal expenses against you. Most lawyers are going to want up-front money from you but may be more liberal with your ex (most lawyers will fight to get the ex-husband to pay legal fees for the divorce)

46. Not finding a good support group or getting one-on-one counseling ~ it can make the entire process easier in the long run

47. The same holds for not asking for support from your family, friends, minister, etc. ~ but don’t spread your information out to just whoever will listen. Just because you’ve worked with the same folks for years (and yes, they never liked your husband), doesn’t mean one or more of them won’t mention to him “offhandedly” when they run into him at your child’s school or the grocery store what you just said about your strategy. It doesn’t mean they are being malicious (nor does it mean they aren’t), it could be that they are just being careless

48. Not remembering, your ex is NOT the same person any more (or maybe your ex is the person she always was and you’re just learning to see your ex for who she always has been). Be courteous, you do not need to be a doormat - your ex has a weapon now that she is using against you (one which is more powerful that she may recognize) - divorce court

49. Being provoked. Repeat, do not be provoked. You will look like the bad guy in court. Consider the consequences of everything you put into writing, everything you say to your ex on the phone or in person (have you bought two small tape recorders yet? - if not, read………”) or in the presence of others

50. Not specifying that Alimony ends at death (hopefully you will not be unlucky enough to have to pay this one)

51. Not getting help now, hoping things will get better, or feeling like you are in too deep a hole. Help is out there. Get it as soon as possible. There is hope at every phase of the process, but it is a lot easier to not start from a hole you have dug for yourself

52. Doing the ‘right thing’ ~ if you blindly listen to what your attorney tells you and then you do it - it could be the wrong thing…listen if your gut tells you it is dead wrong

53. Not demanding your rights - you have them, don’t be that proverbial doormat

54. Getting in a rut, feeling discouraged and sorry for yourself and start going to bars and drinking. This is just the ammunition your ex needs to get the kid(s), etc.

55. Finding another woman (or man) and starting to ‘parent’ their children every other weekend. Get through this relationship first and when you’re ready to move on, you will be able to make better decision 56. Missing work, showing up late, or becoming the walking wounded to your co-workers. If anything, throw yourself into work and become an even better employee

57. Stopping your attendance at church or synagogue. You need the support

58. Lying to your attorney. Your attorney needs ALL of the information he can get in order to represent you in the best possible way

59. Not tape recording a telephone conversation (or personal conversation), counting on your memory (this becomes a ‘he said/she said’ situation) - remember the extra batteries

60. Feeling sorry for yourself. The justice system has not decided to dump on you - you’ve got to start thinking and stop feeling for a bit. Get out of your own way

61. Disappearing from your kids’ lives. They need you. They need you to be a good dad, especially now. Do not depend on your kids to help you feel better (crying, talking to them about all of your problems, etc. is not going to help them want to spend time with you). Are you trying to drive them out of your life?

62. Using the divorce process to ‘punish’ your ex

63. Not asking for your portion of your ex’s retirement or pension fund (don’t forget to include a survivor benefit) if they ask for a portion of yours

64. Getting anxious to have things over ~ take your time and do it right the first time

65. Using your attorney as a therapist or financial planner ~ remember you are paying fees for legal work (which they do best ~ find another professional to handle the rest)

66. Procrastinating

67. Not keeping a notebook handy for questions you want to ask your lawyer ~ and a calendar to keep track of all of the times and dates (there may be many of them if you are involved in mediation)

68. Not requesting copies of all police reports (if you have been hit or suffered vandalism to your property it is your right to request that charges be pressed against your ex)

69. Not speaking up in court ~ you never want to get into an argument with the judge, but you don’t want to just sit there and let your ex tell lies without defending yourself either

While we may have to live with mistakes we make in divorces for years, sometimes for the rest of our lives, a little research can go a long way. Choose to be a winner in your divorce.

About the Author

Cathy Vaughan-Yanda, B.S., Sati, http://www.mykidstoo.com, 2005 ~ the single mother of a totally awesome son, currently lives in Ohio. She is the owner of a small company, a writer, an illustrator, a reviewer of books, and has worked with people infected and affected with HIV/AIDS for more than fifteen years.