First, let’s get some clarity around bossy. If by that you mean your partner behaves like a director on the set of a movie, or a coach on the sidelines of a basketball game, or like a drill sergeant in the military then we will be talking about the same thing. However, I want to make a very important distinction around your partner’s intention.
There is a difference between the intention to create mere compliance in you, and the intention to improve your performance. Let’s look at each.
If your bossy partner just wants you to do what he or she tells you to do, then your partner is assuming that you are not willing or able to direct yourself. And you can feel that judgment. You are treated as one who is unwilling and unable and so, therefore, must be told what to do. If you think you are willing, or that you are able, then you will take offence at your partner’s bossiness.
If your bossy partner is trying to coach you into better behavior then your partner assumes you are willing, but not able to do the task at hand. This is what coaching is mostly about. Sometimes a coach has to work on a player’s willingness and at those times it is appropriate for the coach to have a serious dialogue with his or her player. In a marriage it could be the same. If you aren’t willing to change the baby’s diapers, then we need to talk about it. If you are willing, but aren’t able because you don’t know how, then I’ll show you.
If you aren’t willing or able, then you might have to be told on occasion to do something that needs to be done. The occasion would be crisis of some sort. Maybe you don’t like being told how to drive by the person in the seat next to you, but if you don’t see that care stopping in front of you, your partner better yell out, STOP!
If you aren’t willing but you are able, then you and your partner need to have a dialogue about your unwillingness. Dialogue is different than discussion. In discussion you talk about the subject at hand, but in dialogue you wonder about the deeper assumptions involved.
If you are willing, but you aren’t able, then you do need some coaching. Of course, the topic at hand could be changing the baby’s diapers, but it could be any work the two of you share. And, that includes having sex. It isn’t uncommon at all for a good sex life to be full of good coaching and deep dialogue.
But what is going on when your partner is just plain bossy even though you have demonstrated a willingness and ability? Here is a list of what could be going on:
Your partner may be the oldest child in his or her family. It is commonly the case that oldest children learn to be director’s early in life.
It is possible that your partner just comes from a family where being bossy is being ordinary. There are some ethic groups where the women are bossy as a rule. There are other groups where the men are bossy
Maybe your partner is the parentified child in an alcoholic family system. If not alcoholic, you might just substitute dysfunctional. In families where there are addictions, games, and crazy behavior, the oldest child, or the oldest female child, is often given the role of parent. He or she is the one who manages the anxiety for others in the family and does so by directing everyone so that they don’t get in each other’s way.
Maybe your partner has a streak of obsessive compulsiveness in his or her personality. You can’t tell where it came from, but it is there nonetheless. In severe cases medication might be the best choice.
Or maybe you partner is afraid of what will happen if everything isn’t controlled. Anxiety is a powerful force and I have seen many a person who is very controlling in order to keep things under control so that there is nothing to worry about.
Your partner is afraid of too much intimacy and is using control to push you away. This often comes from this deep assumption: If I allow others to control me I will be hurt by them either by their abuse, neglect, rejection, or abandonment.
Always be open to the fact that your partner’s bossiness might be part of his or her strength. If your partner is a leader with real leadership qualities, your partner might be using leadership when it isn’t appropriate. Focus on the positive, the up side of his or her strengths.
But, what do you do?
1) You have to manage your own anxiety when you partner gets bossy. If you get all worked up over being directed too much, or coached too much, then you are taking it all too personally. Your defensiveness is your effort to tell you partner to cut it out. Assess your behavior, and your partner’s, and get ready for a serious dialogue. You have to manage your own anxiety, not your partner’s.
2) Consider using this article as a tool around which the two of you can have this important dialogue. Let’s both read this and see if anything in it makes sense, and then let’s have a talk about what is going on inside me, inside you, and between the two of us.
3) Your dialogue should address this issue: Is the bossiness around particular issues, or is it a random and generalized behavior? If there are particular issues that your partner keeps returning to, such as leaving your stuff all around the house and not picking up, then your partner’s clear preference for an orderly environment needs to be the subject of your dialogue. If it is a random and generalized bossiness, then it is a personality issue, or something else. Check out the suggestions above and see if you can identify the source.
4) Dialogue about your willingness and ability to co-operate with your partner. Make yourself clear, and make sure your partner understand that you are willing and able.
5) Ask your partner how you can change so that your partner is more satisfied. If your partner wants the place picked up more, that might be a simple and easy fix. Sometimes we have to let go and comply in order to make others happy. If you do comply, and the bossiness continues, then you have something else going on.
6) Ask your partner to stop being so bossy. Honey, I have a real struggle with this, and I would appreciate it beyond measure if you would work hard at not being so bossy with me. I understand that it comes naturally to you, but it doesn’t work with me. What do you think?
7) But, if you get defensive in your dialogue you will weaken the conversation. I cannot emphasize this enough. Cool heads prevail.
8) If you are competing for control, you should both wonder why. If anyone looses, you will both lose.
9) Be prepared to come back to this subject as many times as it takes until you have worked through it, and beyond.
10) And remember not to be afraid of upset. Anxiety manifests itself in all sorts of strange ways. If you partner is upset by your confrontation, so be it. You stay calm, and present, and you can help your partner to face the issues involved and to work them through.
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