For 30 years I have been working with individuals and couples as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and over that time I have heard a lot of stories about the struggles couples are having in their sexless marriage. Here are the TOP 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage.
Struggle No. 1
Frustrated Libido. That’s it. This one is pretty obvious. Some of us have a very strong sexual desire, and some of us don’t. The No. 1 struggle in a sexless marriage is that you, or your partner, or both of you are sexually frustrated. A fundamental drive is not being gratified and the frustration is very real. Sexual desire is simply low, or non-existent.
Struggle No. 2
The Frustration often turns into anger. You get frustrated when you don’t get what you want, and that often leads to anger. In fact, you might well be in a sexless marriage because one of you is angry with the other. If you won’t give me what I want, then I won’t give you what you want. Or, If you won’t give me what I want, then screw you!
Struggle No. 3
Control dramas begin, take on a life of their own, and are very hard to stop. Out of frustration you try to control your partner to behave differently, and the more you try to control the more you push your partner away. Anger and distance take root and sex turns into a battleground.
Struggle No. 4
Confusion abounds. What is going on? What changed? Why doesn’t my partner want me? Why don’t I want my partner? What can I do to change this? How long can I tolerate this? What will happen if our sex problem doesn’t go away? What can I do? Question after question, and the answers seem to be illusive.
Struggle No. 5
Your self-esteem sinks. In the beginning you probably found each other to be attractive, but now, that attraction has shrunk to almost nothing. The looks, the touches, the gentle and seductive conversation all of it is a thing of the past. Your self-esteem has been affected and you begin to wonder What is wrong with me? Am I not attractive any longer? Am I to blame for our sexless marriage? Shame and guilt stifle your life.
Struggle No. 6
Moral dilemmas grab you. You value marriage, and you want to protect the sanctity of your relationship. You love the kids and the whole family, but the thought of continuing without intimate, erotic sex is unbearable. Is this relationship too good to leave, but too bad to stay? What is the right thing to do? Should I stay in my sexless marriage, or should I go?
Struggle No. 7
You can’t believe you are thinking about an affair. What would it be like to be with someone who wants you, who actually desires you? Could you get away with it? Is it okay to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with someone else as a way of actually saving your marriage? What are you thinking? Listen to yourself! Well, you are thinking about it, and that frightens you.
Struggle No. 8
Where do you go for help? With whom do you talk about this sexless marriage issue? Your friends? Your spiritual leader? You medical doctor? Your sister or brother? Heavens no, not the kids! Should you go see a counselor and talk about your sexless marriage? Will your partner go with you? If you don’t talk with someone you will go nuts!
Struggle No. 9
You have to find a solution! You are driven to get to the bottom of this. Is it a physical problem? Is it a relationship issue that has you stuck in a sexless marriage? How about a personal problem either with yourself or your partner? Or is it a cultural influence that is interfering? Or, God forbid, is it a spiritual issue that somehow has you stuck? You are driven, almost obsessed with getting to the bottom of it, and fixing it. Fix it NOW!
Struggle No. 10
You frightened that your relationship will end of your sexless relationship. Disoriented and scared. You can’t stop thinking about your sexless marriage and you are headed for a panic attack. This is a horrific situation for you to be in and you are afraid that the lack of sexual desire in your sexless marriage will drive you crazy. The anxiety, the fear it is getting to you. You might just have to leave to get beyond the anxiety and struggle.
Yes, these tend to be the Top 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage. If you are in a relationship where you have sex 10 times a year or less, you might well be able to identify with many of them. The more you struggle, the worse it feels sort of like quicksand!
Ladies, if you feel the passion has gone out of your marriage and you need advice on how to make your husband fall in love with you again then you might be interested in: Get Him In The Mood.
It was specially created by a woman for all women stuck in a sexless marriage.
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel I can not talk to you about how I feel, we tried before and never gone anywhere, now with my 42nd birthday this week I feel again I need to do something for myself if I can with your help. I asked you several times many years ago and lost counting, we need help from counseling or something if not for your sake for mine. Please please, having sex 2 or 3 times a year is killing me!!! I feel so useless, don’t feel pretty any more, feel like I am worth nothing and I do not want to feel this anymore, reading on he net I found these issues and it is scary for me to realize I have been in almost all these which tells me we I am at the extreme case , my husband is not interested at all to address the issue what can i do ! we have sex 2 or maximum 3 times a year and that is already a struggle
i feel so sad reading this because it mirrors my life im 35 + have been married for 8 years if it werent for my two babies i dont think i would be on this earth i feel ugly unwanted and ive tried so hard my husband went for the hormonal test and he was normal i cried that day because i then realized its my fault. i comfort eat and so its a vicious circle another excuse not to want me. i wish things were normal
Surely a marriage without a sexual relationship as an intrinsic part of it is not a marriage? There used to be a legal concept (based on the biblical definition of marriage) of conjugal rights. This is defined for example in I Corinthians Ch 7, v 2 to 5.
If a couple that were married no longer have a sexual union as part of their marriage then it is no longer a marriage. The marriage has failed already. What is the difference between a platonic friendship between a man and woman or an engagement, in the original traditional sense, and a marriage? The only difference is that there is then in marriage a legal and God-given sexual relationship.
All of these difficulties result from the fact that we have lost sight of what marriage is supposed to be.
Now for a man i know its hard to admit stuff but i do admit that i kinda ruined our marriage from my past events. In the beginning my wife and i relationship was great then stuff became rocky and trust became a issuse. We fight off and on for the past 3 years. I trust my wife but somehow i cant trust her fully back then. Im in the military and during the time i was going on cruise we broke up cause i figured i didnt deserve her cause all the hurt i put her through. I drove her away and to the point where i turned her into a whole different person. Now the time i came back we decided to work things out and we got married the next month. Now back then when we first started talking we had sex everyday like 3-4 times a day but now we barely have any sex unless i say something or complain about it. It turns to a big old fight. I want things back to way it suppose to be. Does anyone have in suggestions cause i love my wife to death but i dont want us to have a divorce cause of not having sex anymore.
I am 35+ male with two kids. When my wife realized that she had to discontinue her control-freak ways of dominating me, she started denying sex – we had sex 4 times in 6 years. I try to forget what she is doing to me, but sometimes I can’t – frustration came out as angry outbursts. Kids were getting scared of my outbursts so I had to stop. End of the day I still dont know if a viable workaround exists.
Only married 6 weeks. I was a virgin when we married, he wasn’t. We have had sex 5 times. Basically haven’t had sex since the honeymoon, which was a total disaster even outside the bedroom. Husband not interested no matter what I dress in or say. He rejects my advances and suggestions. Most people here have been married years and have kids etc, and boredom has set in or whatever, but 6 weeks into my marriage and there is no sex life. Not what I thought it was going to be like. I cannot believe I am now trapped in an unhappy marriage that I waited so long for. Is this what I waited for all my life?
I’m 47, my wife is 45. We’ve been married for almost 20 years.
We have sex 4-5 times a year, whether I need it or not. (Trying to be light-hearted about this.)
In addition to a lack of sex, I get no affection whatsoever from her. No touching, no hugging, no kissing. She never says “I love you.” She never touches my shoulder or holds my hand. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
I’m thinking about having an affair. Although I think it is sinful and damaging, I’ve resorted to porn in a misplaced effort to find intimacy and female beauty. I hate myself when I do that.
I don’t know what to do; don’t know who to turn to.
George,
I am in the SAME EXACT situation and hate it!!
Been married 35 years, sexless 20. After 15 years of 3-4x a year, and daily rejections, I realized I love her too much to ever ask her for sex again. So I don’t. I just do what I need to to get by. Porn, FWB, prostitutes, etc. She broke the marriage vows. I forgive her. All the excuses women/men have to be sexless are just excuses. Stress, depression, medications, etc. All the people I know who have noraml sex lives also have these things to deal with.
I got married when I was 25 years old and my wife was 20. From day one, we were fighting about the lack of passion and sex in our marriage. I love to weight train, eat healthy and I’m into “anything” that will “spice” up our marriage. My wife on the other hand was a heavier girl but never took any steps to go to a women’s only gym, thus low sex drive and no craziness or passion. After 10 years of marriage, I have gained 50 lbs muscle mass and she has gained about the same in fat, so now she is a very large girl. Still very little sex drive with her, nothing crazy or passionate either. We have never watched adult movies, been in the shower or bath tub together or done anything crazy, like most couples do. I’ve resorted to porn to release my sexual energy, which I would rather not do. I have turned down affairs, with women as young as in their early 20′s and that was as recent as 2 weeks ago at my company’s work party. And this hot young girl even told me I won’t tell anyone and your miss doesn’t have to know!!! I kindly turned this girl down, I even told my wife but still no sex increase, nothing changed!!! I am thinking, if anymore attractive women want me for sex, I am seriously considering it now and no more turning them away. We never cuddle in bed because she always wears socks, sweat pants and shirts, while I only wear my underwear and nothing else. When we go have sex, I can never kiss or lick her, she pushes me away to just have the sex part. I feel so sexually empty and lonely at times and I wish I never married her, knowing what I do now about her complete lack of taking care of herself……
Help me please if you can!!!!
I am 28, he is 37. Have been married for almost 2 years. I don’t know what has happened.. We have a baby 14 months, had no sex during the pregnancy even if I wanted (he was afraid to harm him) and after the birth only 3 times none of which lasted long enough… I tried talking but all in vain. I have not got used to or expected things to turn out to be like that… Maaan… My partners used to fall in love with me after first night and he rejects me… It ruins the relationship formidably! I can’t find the answer… He wanted to use psychological sessions to help our relationship, but when he had found out how much they cost he just became better, but still no sex! Vicious circle, no way out as described above, want a lover, but it will destroy everything… why, how, heelp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just turned 33 in Feb and have been with my husband since 2001.
We have been best friends since the beginning of our relationship and had a great sex life early on.
Over the years our sex life has dwindles more and more to the point where I would be happy if we had sex at least once a week.
I’m lucky if we have sex 1-2 times per month.
I know that he looks at porn, masturbates, enjoys sex but he has no drive for it with me.
He is always up for a blow job though anytime or anywhere.
He used to give me oral sex too but since he has stopped that I feel like he don’t deserve getting oral from me if he isn’t going to give it in return.
He always wants me on top when we have sex and if not it has to be missionary.
I’ve tried even getting him to take a shower with me and he won’t.
I am a big girl but I do have a high sex drive and I have always felt attractive before not so much now though.
I am adventerous and open to many aspects of sex and I can’t understand why he is shutting me out.
I have cried and begged for sex from him.
I have talked to him till I’m blue in the face and even though he always promises things will change they never do.
I’ve even threatened him that I would find sex somewhere else if he wasn’t going to give it to me.
Now it seems I could care less if we have sex or not most nights.
I also don’t even masterbate much at all anymore, it’s like his lack of intimacy has caused my desire to go away.
All he wants to do is play video games for hours upon hours till he goes to bed.
He talks a good talk about sex but when it’s just me and him it doesn’t happen.
We still laugh together, kiss, hold hands, make out, but with the sex getting less and less frequent the bitterness is rearing it’s ugly head.
We were sexless for 9 years of an 11 year marriage, until I moved out, filed for divorce, lost weight due to stress, began to execise, adn started to feel great abuot myself…..now i look attractive and healthy, so does my husband. We still livbe apart, but are working toward reconciliation thru counseling on our own issues. I wear sexy stuff, and we have the best sex we ever had!