Comments on: Is Your Spouse A Control Freak? http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/ Help to Overcome Marriage Problems Tue, 18 Oct 2011 21:33:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Eric http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3142 Eric Wed, 14 Sep 2011 13:43:05 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3142 Some control freaks described here are best described in the book "Stop walking on eggshells Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" they don't have to be self-harming (as in BPD) to get valuable info from this book. Some control freaks described here are best described in the book “Stop walking on eggshells Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder”

they don’t have to be self-harming (as in BPD) to get valuable info from this book.

]]> By: Eric http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3141 Eric Wed, 14 Sep 2011 13:35:52 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3141 The things that kept me putting up with these behaviours (in the past) were codependency, self-sacrifice, willingly treating her like a princess, with grander and grander gestures that reaped less and less gratitude. Avoidance of of the rage maintained the problem and any appeal to reasoning or logic was futile. Her primary aim is maintain control and a shiny (fault free) sense of self. Even when I told her I was depressed, she told me I wasn't, and at the same time, attributed it to everything but our relationship. I used to spiral out of control trying to defend my self-worth, now I am numb and can predict her responses. I have to assert myself, at any cost, as my children have started to model the behaviours and my parenting authority is constantly undermined. I don't expect any change in her anymore, the change is me getting a backbone without becoming aggressive or violent in return. My need for acknowledgement and being loved comes from friends and community work. The things that kept me putting up with these behaviours (in the past) were codependency, self-sacrifice, willingly treating her like a princess, with grander and grander gestures that reaped less and less gratitude. Avoidance of of the rage maintained the problem and any appeal to reasoning or logic was futile. Her primary aim is maintain control and a shiny (fault free) sense of self. Even when I told her I was depressed, she told me I wasn’t, and at the same time, attributed it to everything but our relationship. I used to spiral out of control trying to defend my self-worth, now I am numb and can predict her responses. I have to assert myself, at any cost, as my children have started to model the behaviours and my parenting authority is constantly undermined. I don’t expect any change in her anymore, the change is me getting a backbone without becoming aggressive or violent in return. My need for acknowledgement and being loved comes from friends and community work.

]]> By: Eric http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3140 Eric Wed, 14 Sep 2011 13:22:27 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3140 Hi Rafa, I suggest professional help, it's probably not a mental illness, but part of a personality structure established in childhood. look for a therapist that deals with personality disorders (but don't be put off by that term). Living with a control freak myself, it is like the thought of being even momentarily 'wrong', no matter how trivial, evokes a state of intolerable shame that they will say or do anything to force retraction, apology or defeat to protect themself. To stop your own primal response, ask your partner to put her feelings in writing, and then don't reply straight away, sit with that panicked feeling until it subsides, your world wont fall apart and you will still be intact. Don't try to correct, change the subject, deflect, aportion blame. just because someone is critical of your behaviour doesnt mean you have been shamed. Also, as a positive step, unreservedly praise her achievements, privately and socially, it wont diminish you, and the recognition of her may be appreciated. Hi Rafa, I suggest professional help, it’s probably not a mental illness, but part of a personality structure established in childhood. look for a therapist that deals with personality disorders (but don’t be put off by that term). Living with a control freak myself, it is like the thought of being even momentarily ‘wrong’, no matter how trivial, evokes a state of intolerable shame that they will say or do anything to force retraction, apology or defeat to protect themself. To stop your own primal response, ask your partner to put her feelings in writing, and then don’t reply straight away, sit with that panicked feeling until it subsides, your world wont fall apart and you will still be intact. Don’t try to correct, change the subject, deflect, aportion blame. just because someone is critical of your behaviour doesnt mean you have been shamed. Also, as a positive step, unreservedly praise her achievements, privately and socially, it wont diminish you, and the recognition of her may be appreciated.

]]> By: Rafa http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3131 Rafa Tue, 06 Sep 2011 11:58:36 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3131 Hi Jo, I have realized what I have been suspecting for a while. I am a control freak. I have read the definitions in several sites and I think I fall within the definition. I don't think I am that bad, but I still am. I think the underlying issue could me low self esteem, abandonment and my dad was an alcoholic also very abusive towards my mom. I have been in a relationship for 6 years, fortunately my partner is really strong and she puts on a good shell against my attacks. I have a great partner , and I love her. She brings lots of joy and excitement to my life, but we are at the point that my criticism has pushed her away from me. Now we may be in the verge of a break up. Actually I think the break up is pretty imminent. We still love each other very much though. My question is this, where can I get help for my behavior. I don't want to lose her or live with this issues. I don't want to be like this anymore. I am extremely smart and caring person and this issue is causing a lot of harm in my life. Any constructive suggestions are welcome. Rafa Hi Jo,

I have realized what I have been suspecting for a while. I am a control freak. I have read the definitions in several sites and I think I fall within the definition. I don’t think I am that bad, but I still am. I think the underlying issue could me low self esteem, abandonment and my dad was an alcoholic also very abusive towards my mom.

I have been in a relationship for 6 years, fortunately my partner is really strong and she puts on a good shell against my attacks. I have a great partner , and I love her. She brings lots of joy and excitement to my life, but we are at the point that my criticism has pushed her away from me. Now we may be in the verge of a break up. Actually I think the break up is pretty imminent. We still love each other very much though.

My question is this, where can I get help for my behavior. I don’t want to lose her or live with this issues.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I am extremely smart and caring person and this issue is causing a lot of harm in my life.

Any constructive suggestions are welcome.

Rafa

]]> By: miss x http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3128 miss x Sat, 03 Sep 2011 14:55:57 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3128 this article could have been written for my husband he fits the bill perfectly of course i wanrt to go i have no money or job, i have low self etseem feel depressed. he is an obnoxoius bully who yells, shouts, controls and sulks its like living with jekyl and hyde im walking on eggshells all the time he blames me for every little thing and is very emotionally and verbally absuive he swears all the time and doesnr like sex i feel trapped and so want to be free if anybodys out there who can help and offer advice, please get in touch this article could have been written for my husband he fits the bill perfectly of course i wanrt to go
i have no money or job, i have low self etseem feel depressed. he is an obnoxoius bully who yells, shouts, controls and sulks its like living with jekyl and hyde im walking on eggshells all the time
he blames me for every little thing and is very emotionally and verbally absuive he swears all the time and doesnr like sex
i feel trapped and so want to be free
if anybodys out there who can help and offer advice, please get in touch

]]> By: Mike http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3122 Mike Sun, 28 Aug 2011 22:22:57 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3122 I´m gonna try the same, can´t take it anymore. I´m gonna try the same, can´t take it anymore.

]]> By: Mike http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3121 Mike Sun, 28 Aug 2011 22:17:18 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3121 What a relief. I have been living with a control freak for 15 years and only now I realize this. I love my wife but she has long ago become intolerable- screaming and shouting at me and the children many times every day, trying to control us worse than my sargeant in the army did! I am very close to seeking a divorce now, I am so depressed I can´t concentrate on m job anymore. After searcing information about what´s wrong with my marriage I saw a (female) psychologist. She told me after a short time that my wife´s self confidence is very low and that she feels an urge to control me (and our children) in order not to feel too much anxiety. Then I read this. I demanded that my wife follow me to councelling which she denied. If she maintains that decision it´s over! I also feel so sorry for our children, they are very nice and mature and well-behaved and really don´t deserve this. I don´t think she realizes how close she suddenly is to the edge. What a relief. I have been living with a control freak for 15 years and only now I realize this. I love my wife but she has long ago become intolerable- screaming and shouting at me and the children many times every day, trying to control us worse than my sargeant in the army did! I am very close to seeking a divorce now, I am so depressed I can´t concentrate on m job anymore. After searcing information about what´s wrong with my marriage I saw a (female) psychologist. She told me after a short time that my wife´s self confidence is very low and that she feels an urge to control me (and our children) in order not to feel too much anxiety. Then I read this. I demanded that my wife follow me to councelling which she denied. If she maintains that decision it´s over! I also feel so sorry for our children, they are very nice and mature and well-behaved and really don´t deserve this. I don´t think she realizes how close she suddenly is to the edge.

]]> By: steve http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3118 steve Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:47:11 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3118 if the husband has no job and the wife pays for him completly im not sure you will get a lot of sympathy from women except kick him out the lazy bum...you say you have money but only want spend on your own needs......doesnt this sound like pot calling kettle black? if the husband has no job and the wife pays for him completly im not sure you will get a lot of sympathy from women except kick him out the lazy bum…you say you have money but only want spend on your own needs……doesnt this sound like pot calling kettle black?

]]> By: blue99 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3106 blue99 Thu, 11 Aug 2011 22:11:53 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3106 Glad I found this. My story is an extreme case of control. She also use mind control, very subtle. She came on as a weak clinging vine type, but as soon as she found my weaknesses she played on them, using the kids as bait. Recently we lost a son to suicide, are suffering complete financial meltdown bcause of her control of a non existent "budget" and doesent like sex. But I love my remaining kids and grandkids, she says I am way too old for her, and her friends agree with this assesment even though I'm just a few years older. I hve dedicated my whole life to her, and all she says what a big mistake it was. I know, unfortunately this is a bluff, and has become totally dependent on me, I am her slave, and feel stupid and of liuttle worth. She always says about me "what are yiu good for" I've even though of comitting a crime, thinking maybe jail. Will be better, but I really love her and know she will fold uop totally without me and what's left of my remaining rescources. Glad I found this. My story is an extreme case of control. She also use mind control, very subtle. She came on as a weak clinging vine type, but as soon as she found my weaknesses she played on them, using the kids as bait. Recently we lost a son to suicide, are suffering complete financial meltdown bcause of her control of a non existent “budget” and doesent like sex. But I love my remaining kids and grandkids, she says I am way too old for her, and her friends agree with this assesment even though I’m just a few years older. I hve dedicated my whole life to her, and all she says what a big mistake it was. I know, unfortunately this is a bluff, and has become totally dependent on me, I am her slave, and feel stupid and of liuttle worth. She always says about me “what are yiu good for” I’ve even though of comitting a crime, thinking maybe jail. Will be better, but I really love her and know she will fold uop totally without me and what’s left of my remaining rescources.

]]> By: Elizabeth http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/comment-page-4/#comment-3084 Elizabeth Tue, 02 Aug 2011 03:06:57 +0000 http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/#comment-3084 I am having a bad relationship with my husband. I talk to my friends about it using my cell phone. My husband tracks the numbers and then calls them or ask others whether they know who it is. I am having a real hard time. Now he is even going to meet one of the person whom I talked to in person (It is my dad's best friend and he has nothing to do with this. He just gave me some advice). Please advice me what I should do. I am having a bad relationship with my husband. I talk to my friends about it using my cell phone. My husband tracks the numbers and then calls them or ask others whether they know who it is. I am having a real hard time. Now he is even going to meet one of the person whom I talked to in person (It is my dad’s best friend and he has nothing to do with this. He just gave me some advice). Please advice me what I should do.

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