Are you the partner of a control freak?
Is he or she a controlling personality who likes to get their own way and ignores your own personal feelings?
Maybe you are not too sure about it and need a little help to decide. So here’s few questions you need to ask yourself to help you find out if you are in the powerful grip of a control freak…
Detecting A Control Freak
Is this you?
- Do you have problems with your spouse or partner being bossy and domineering?
- Do you feel that they verbally and mentally bully you into submission?
- Do they have to have the last say in everything and refuse to listen to your point of view?
- Do they sulk and pout and generally make your life miserable until you give in to them?
- Do they control the finances and decide on what or what not to buy?
- There’s a lack of mutual respect between the two of you?
- Tempers and defensiveness make it impossible to discuss problems?
If you answered yes to all the above then you are probably living with a control freak. Control freaks are very difficult to live with as they won’t compromise because that means they are losing control of the situation. They use words as weapons to mentally bully you into submission and make you feel so bad that you take the easy way out every time just for an easy life. At times it gets so impossible to put up with their behaviour you might end up asking yourself “should I just leave them?”.
Click here to find out how to resolve control conflicts
Of course, it’s quite natural to want control of your own life but not to the extent of controlling everyone around you into the bargain. People who exhibit controlling behaviour patterns in a relationship have a personality disorder caused by their own feelings of anxiety and vulnerability.
The control freak makes sure that everyone close to him knows that he must get his way or else. He will tolerate no disagreement, different points of view, or criticism. His spiteful side is always close to the surface ready to explode if anyone has the nerve to challenge to his authority.
A control freak may be highly sociable with strangers but people who really know him sense the aggression that lurks beneath the surface and give in to his demands just to avoid conflict.
The underlying sense of aggression means that no one dares to confront him, even when it is obvious he is in the wrong. Thus, he imposes his will in the relationship no matter what the consequences, good or bad.
Control freaks are highly manipulative, cunning, intimidating, and skilled at debate and masters at distorting the real truth in a given situation.They will resort to almost anything to get their own way no matter how wrong and illogical it may be.They simply have to be in control to feel good about themselves.
Once in a while, when no longer able to pretend and to suppress their rage, a control freak will take it out on the real source of their anger. They lose all vestiges of self-control and rave like lunatics. They shout incoherently, make absurd accusations, distort facts, and bring up long-suppressed grievances, allegations and suspicions.
Being in control of every situation is their way of protecting themselves but they take it to such extremes that it affects everyone around them including their own partners and family. Certain types of control freaks not only have to control the situation but also have to mentally bully you into submission in order for them to feel better about themselves. They use their anger as a weapon if they can’t get their own way.
It is not easy dealing with an angry controlling spouse like this. Your humiliation and weakness empowers them. Your own self-esteem can be so affected by their bullying nature that sometimes the only solution is to walk out the door and start a new life without them.
Trying to change someone who has a domineering personality is a virtually impossible task as they don’t see things like most other people. Everything they do is geared to their own needs and woe betide anyone who tries to stop them getting what they want. They are like a spoilt child who never really grew up.
If you are under the thumb of someone like this and they refuse to change then you have to decide whether or not you should leave them. Unfortunately, when things are so bad, you might have to do this for the sake of your own mental health. Suffering in silence is no solution to handling a control freak; they will treat you with the scorn that you deserve for being so weak towards them.
Click here to find out how to resolve control conflicts
by Anthony Bradley
Useful Links To Help You Deal With A Control Freak:
What Every Spouse or Partner Needs to Know About Overcoming Control Issues
Stand up for yourself calmly and confidently
Too nice for your own good? You can stop that right now!
Put yourself first for a change
Assertiveness training hypnosis download
Learn how to say no and mean it!
Hi Jo,
Thanks for your comment sweet, I have asked her to get help, but she turns it around on me, however, I have been very craftily, trying to figure out if she would actually miss me, if I left, and your right….the other day I bought her a card, and left it on the mantle piece…anyway, she was doing one of her usual ignoring me tantrums, I had sent her a couple of text during the day and no reply…she was at her Daughters…so I left for work and sent her a text, saying look on the mantle piece when you get home…I got a text straight back saying…’sorry I have only just looked at my phone, on my way home now’ she thought that I had left my key and run for the hills!!!…
Like I said angel…she thinks its me wth the problem…how can I get her help if everyone else thinks that its me who has the problem as she has obviously told her friends and family….its frustraing, because I know I am okay…heeeeeellllllp!!
:0)
Hi
My boyfriend is a control freak to and I read the following. It says to send it to the control freak as it’s helped some other person. So I took the risk and sent it. My boyfriend read it – said it took him ages to get through it all but he read it and he now agrees with me that he is a control freak. Saying that though he is the type of person that when he calms down and he realises he’s in the wrong he apologises but he kept denying he was a control freak until I sent the following link to him.
http://home.comcast.net/~pobrien48/Control_freaks.htm
If you feel you could give this link to your partner then see how she reacts. Maybe send it to people whom she’s told it’s “your fault” and ask for their reaction. It’s up to you as you will be taking a risk. She may ignore it, not read it but I think she’ll probably be annoyed at first at you sending it to her and she’ll read it when she’s calmed down. If she doesn’t read it and realise what she is doing is wrong then maybe couple counselling would help you both. How about suggesting going for counselling for both of you to work out how you can get on better – once there the counsellor if any good will be able to bring out the issues.
I am with a conrol freak I think?…..
I met her on a dating site two years ago.
The start of this relationship, was awesome, plenty of sex, meals out etc…Now there is no sex, an excuse for everything, everything is my fault, she says that I am a control freak and a bully…I cant wash up properly…I am an excellent cook, yet my food to her is crap…..I clean….but use too much liquid when I mop the floor…I was told if I went to my friends, for space, the relationship would be over…her and her Daughter sit on the main sofa…and hog the TV remote…I let her make most of the decisons..and I just know she is moaning about me to her friends and family…and lying to them about me…so she can play the victim…!!
I admit I have my grumpy moments, and we argue and I say things that I do not mean….but with that list am I the control freak or is she?
Comments please
I forgot some other things too….she picks fault in everything that I say or do…she says because she is 5 years older than me, that I should listen to her and do what she says, she never says sorry…even when she knows she is wrong…and never takes advice….I was told the other day that no one wants to listen to my opinions, so I should keep my mouth shut…..if I think of anything else I will post them….again comments please!!!
Hi Kev
Sounds like she’s a control freak. However I think what can happen when with a control freak is you start defending yourself that you start to think you are controlling them. You may be a bit because you are doing so to defend yourself but she started it as such. If you know what I mean. I’m with a control freak – I finished with him but we ended up back together – I’ve sent him emails with information about control freaks and how to deal with it but not sure that will work. He is older than me so is from the “old school” thinks he has the right as a man to control everything – so old fashioned. Saying to you that she is 5 years older therefore you should listen is just controlling – she wants to dominate you and treat you like a child and not her partner on equal terms. No-one can tell you what to do – I certainly can’t as I don’t know what to do myself. From information I’ve read about control freaks it’s their anxiety that causes it and it’s not personal on you. They are so insecure they take it out on you, tell you you are in the wrong so you’re self-esteem drops and you don’t think you are worthy of anyone else. That’s their way of keeping you as they fear losing you.
Hi again
By controlling back I mean you are just defending yourself and it becomes a battle – I think the best way to deal with them according to some sites is to stay calm, let her have her way, but if possible try and get her to seek help. Couple counselling maybe! But she must want help and that’s the difficulty. She’s controlling not you.
married to a narcissist,bordeline personality disorder control freak.there is nothing i can do right.i cant control money,all our probs are blamed on me.
i cook,clean,shop,walk dog,and do my own laundry,yet im a loser.
i feel so wussy and useless.i know im a good man
i have to get out,i cant get a word in edgewise and when i mstand up for myself its a war.
My husband is a control freak and 2 days back he was telling me that he is searching schools for kids out of the country. I don’t want to leave the US and I had earlier told him that I am not interested in this. He does not discuss things with and tells me at the last moment. It is not just thiis….buying cars, expensive things he tells me at the last moment. He travels 90% of the time and I take care of kids. How can I protect kids if has any plans of taking them away from me. Can he do anything like that ? I don’t have money for advocates and all..he also controls that. He does not listen to anyone unless it benefits him.
Hi Lisa
I don’t believe he can take the kids away out of the country without your permission. I used to know someone who lived in America and the ex wife wanted to take their child to another country and was told no. Make sure you have the kids passports – keep them away from him. If you want to protect yourself for the future open up your own bank account and put away as much as you can until you have enough in case of emergencies. No-one can advise you what to do – but he’s a control freak by the sounds of it and needs help.
I am married to a man that I dated for 10 years, and all the time that we dated he never used to act controlling, but since we have been married then he has to have control over everything, even my kids. I am to the point of wanting to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I am stranded in this marriage with no way out. When I have to take one of my kids to the doctor he thinks I shouldn’t be gone over an hour or I’m cheating on him.
Wow…… I began to wonder what might be wrong with my wife. And after reading this article, she is a control freak. The signs are all there. Distorting the truth, Wants to control the finances, wants her way, and twists the truth to get it. Gets agitated when she’s not in control, so she does something to gain control. I’ve got some reading to do, to try to save this marriage.
Thanks!! :-)
in same boat buddy.i finally after 29 yrs did research and found out she a narcissist and borderline personality disorder.i feel so much better
there is a sight experience project and shrink4men
i learned a lot
keep ur head up.these women cant change
im biding my time to leave
I have two girls who witness our fighting on a daily basis. I tried to keep the peace for years, but lately it’s become impossible. I don’t know if my age has made it so I can no longer turn a blind eye to my husband’s controlling behaviors or if I’ve finally reached the limit of my tolerance. He believes it’s a recent bump in our marriage….but, I’ve been telling him for YEARS (he obviously hasn’t listened) that he needs to back off. Our sex life sucks. It’s become an obligation on my end to just get done or deal with his pouting and bullying. He has treated me like a slut. For a while, subjected me to watching porn and would pout, and bitch and moan until I agreed to watch: “I’m trying to add a little spice to our life. Make things a little different.” I hated it! He masturbates excessively — and believe me, this does affect a couple’s sex life… when he wants to, he isn’t ready. I ask him: “why force yourself when you aren’t there? Why initiate?” He’d leave his playboys scattered around… we have a total of four girls! Two from his first marriage which live with us half the time. In August of this year, I finally reached my breaking point when he coerced me into wearing a dress that was too short and sooo revealing. I’d repeatedly told him I wouldn’t feel comfortable in it. He went off on a long winded, explosive lecture about how he had planned a nice evening out for us, spent so much money on it, etc., etc. He paraded me up and down in an extremely ritzy part of town… I was humilitated. What’s worse, it’s no longer him I am angry with. I am mad at myself for allowing all of this to happen. He is now at the point were he is weapy and apologectic. Claims to recognize that he made some big mistakes. That I need to forgive him and leave the past in the past. However, still — to this day — when I disagree and know he is wrong for taking the position he has taken, he pouts and argues — he hasn’t changed, he’s not sorry. His behaviors remain the same. I don’t know how to pick up and walk out. Up until recently, he had my passwords to my e-mail address, to my Facebook account, etc. He’d go in and delete what “he” felt needed deleting. He’d get pissed about photos I’d post of myself (i.e. I burned my face last summer and my sunglasses were clearly delineated as a result — I posted that picture, and he was livid. I posted a picture of Wonderwoman’s face with Sarah Palin’s body — he was upset about that because: “people don’t know that isn’t you”). My girls are 10 and 8 — they are sad, and weapy, and upset. They ask me if we are getting a divorce… they don’t want us to divorce, but I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t know what to do … He’s most recent complaint is my best friend and neighbor of 8 years — no reason at all other than she is supportive of me regardless, she spends time with me, we help each other out with our kids. He called another friend of mine whom he did not want me communicating with at first to ask her to ask me to spend time with her. So, basically he is attempting to dictate who I can and/or cannot be friends with. I really have a lot of anger inside me over all of this. I’m 42 …we’ve been married for 11 years, together for 13. And, I’ve had it. We’ve been to counseling … he had heart attack like symptoms over his anger and anxiety of the Wonderwoman/Palin picture. He refuses to admit that he has issues with his self-esteem and claims he doesn’t need counseling for it that instead I need to seek counseling for my “anger”, which I am considering — but, only because I believe that through counseling, I will gain the necessary leverage to propel myself out of this situation once and for all. What’s my first step? Anyone…?
Hi
I can feel your pain. What an awful situation to be in. Firstly he is not being fair to you or your children. If he is leaving adult material lying about for anyone to see. You have to do what you feel is right for you. Sometimes people fear leaving because they fear the repercussions be that financial, family feelings etc. Don’t think that way – think of yourself and your children and take one day at a time. If you really hate being in that situation then your next step may be to find another place to live, set up your own bank account if you don’t already have one, go to citizens advice and see if they can find you a place to stay/help you or go to a church as they may help you. He is at fault totally. People like that are so insecure. You have one life – your children will be affected in adult life by what is going on now. They will hurt now but in years to come they will thank you for getting out. You may actually help your husband by making him realise how you feel. It is difficult for anyone to tell you what to do. No-one can do that – I can’t do that – you have to follow what you truly want to do but you must remember that if you do move out things will get better for you if you have the correct support around you. You will need support in how to break news to your children – a counsellor will help you. You can get marriage counselling by Relate – they will help you and you can get this through the church. They don’t always try and keep you together – they do what is right for families as a whole and they will help you deal with communicating things with your children. Remember to tell your children that you both love them and it’s that you can’t live together as a couple any more as you don’t get on and don’t want the shouting/arguments to make you or your children unhappy. Your first step to me would be counselling/church/citizens advice. Don’t let him get you down. Say no to him and stand your ground – I know it’s easier said than done. Keep saying to yourself “it’s not me, it’s him, i’m a great person and I don’t deserve this treatment”. Good luck.
My husband is
1. verbally abusive
2. control freak
3. finds fault in whatever I do and forces me to do whatever he plans to do. I really find my life miserable. My parents just think about the status and tell me to adjust. I just keep my mouth shut because he will find fault in whatver I say. He recors phone calls that I make to my mom. I tell my mom of my sufferings. Please email me the advice.
Hi Liza
Do what your heart tells you to do? If you want out find a place to move to, do it when he’s out so he can’t stop you. Go to citizens advice or wherever is best to get the best advice for you. Tell your parents after you have moved out that you have done so and tell them that you were not happy living with a controlling man end of story. Don’t listen to anyone – just do what you really want to do. Find good friends who will listen to you and not judge you and find a happy life before it’s too late. Forget what others say it is your life and only YOU can make decisions for yourself.
Thanks. I have 2 kids and if I move out I wonder how I can survive with the money I earn. I will have to pay for the rent, insurance etc. Where can I go for citizens advice ? Is there a particular place? I don’t want to loose my kids. He never tells me what he is doing. He will come and tell me when it is really late or if he needs some sign from me. He would not let me have the bank account details. Please please advice.
Hi Liza
You should have a local citizens advice place near where you live. Check the internet. Or alternatively go to a church and ask for help – they will be able to put you into a place where you are safe. Make sure you have your own bank account and get any salary moved directly into there. Do you have any friends who can support you? It must be difficult for you especially with children however there will be support out there. I think the first place is a local church or citizens advice centre. You should be able to find their details in your local phone book or internet. You should also be able to get help financially – citizens advice will help you work out your finances and claim from your husband. What you need to ask is do you want your children to grow up in that atmosphere. You never know leaving him may help him move on and get help. You may be doing him a big favour. But again only do what you really want to do. You deserve happiness. Good luck
I have been married to a control freak for 18 yrs. It took me a long time to realise what was behind his confusing and bewildering behaviour. We have 2 children and I cannot leave him and destroy our family, but I also cannot cope with his over bearing, demanding and unreasonable behaviour. I wish there was an easy solution…:-(
This thread is very interesting to me because I live with a controlling wife and a far more controlling step daughter. My stepdaughter has a 6 year old son that also lives with us. My stepdaughter will use any means possible to get her way, often ending with huge arguments, and with her throwing many accusations at me. She will often accuse me of being the one who actually caused the issue that was the root of the argument. Example, She got arrested for a drunk in public. It was my fault she got arrested because I did not want her and her friends getting drunk in our house (again). If she and friends stay in our house to party, will always… always mean that they will leave trash (McDonlads, chip bags etc… all over the floor), drink all my beer, wine and liquor they can find (they drink it because, “it’s your fault we drank it because you left it where we can find it”). So she and her friend went to a bar instead. According to the police she left the bar without paying her tab. She was trashed so she got arrested. When she got home the next morning she picked a fight with me over not letting her stay home with her friends to party. She has a 6 year old child but has not problem coming home as late as 12: 30 the next day.
If my wife and I go out for dinner, we will nerve go where I want to go, it has to be where and what she wants. She has no problem making me wait an hour or more until she is finally ready to go. She will tell me we will leave in 15 minutes (5:30 PM) at 5:45 PM she is still in front of the TV and I will ask if she is ready, then the blow up! “Why are you rushing me? what’s the rush?!? “where are we going?!? Oh I guess we are going out., well thanks for letting me know!
She insists on paying all the bills and I am not allowed to see who or the mount she is paying. “I can figure it out on my own.” She will not go with me to visit with my friends, so I only see my friends once very year and a half or so. We visit with her friend almost weekly. I do all the cooking, but I’m not allowed to cook what I want only what she wants. Occasionally I will push to cook what I want and then I will be accuse of only thinking of myself, “why don’t you cook what she wants for a change.” Will she help me cook, hell no! I do more then half of our laundry, 100% of the yard work. I have a very bad back (and it’s really bad over the past year or so). Will anyone help carry the bags of grass clippings to the curb…(Or any of the other heavy work) NO! “YOU WANT THE GRASS CLIPPED NOT ME!” or “that’s a man’s job” or “I have a headache” or “I’m not feeling good” or “NO! WHAT DO YOU EVR DO FOR ME!”
Ha! The writing is on the wall! I don’t have just one control freak to deal with, I have two!
I can’t leave my controlling husband because I would have no one to support or help me. All my family and friends would dissapprove as they are religious and think I should work through the problems. If i left my husband I would have to effectively ‘leave’ my family and friends and I know that if im stuck all alone in that situation I’ll eventually (probably quite quickly) feel as though I’ve done the wrong thing. I have depression anyway and my husband – well, it’s like he enjoys kicking a dog when it’s down. I cant get better from the depression and suicidal thoughts im having in the critical and controlling environment that he makes, but I’m hardly going to be able to cope much better all alone with my family and friends all dissaproving of what ive done. I feel trapped and like im drowning but it doesn’t end and he just doesn’t stop complaining
Sarah,
Under the pressure of a controlling mate myself , I feel your pain ! I am amazed at the number of victims who have encountered what seems to be an out of control situation.
If jealousy could be bottled or canned it would put Coke out of business .
If you attend a church or synagogue perhaps you can seek help through that. If not perhaps some books on the subject might help.
I am sticking it out for now – kids are 17 & 19 and I won’t consider bailing until the 17 is 21.
All the Best.
I cannot believe how ruthless control freaks can be and it is only now that I realise it is a serious ilness and personality disorder.
I have been in a relationship for 5 years and just finished this 4 weeks ago as I could take no more of my girlfriends controlling nature.I am gutted but enough is enough.
We have split up twice before and as usual it was always me going back as I thought I could change her.HOW WRONG WAS i.
I am a really nice guy but not needy but I was always belittled, criticised, they seek imperfection in everybody and it was me that had to always call or text and it took hours for her to reply. I lived only a mile from her yet she never came to my flat, she had no interest it appeared in what i did yet she said she loved me and missed me certain times. She was never wrong so if confronted would explode in a rage until you agreed with her and after a while I began to think it was me within the relationship who had the problem.
It was always left for me to say see you tomorrow otherwise she would not call, she would send me home if did not agree with something i said and i could not stay during the week as she said she could not sleep as demanding job SCHOOLTEACHER would you believe.
I know the signs were there but when you care you ignore these traits to simply keep the peace.
What it did was make me miserable, supress my emotions, sit waiting for her to reply to my texts and loose my confidence in everything.
I have now read that these people cannot be happy as deep issues, moody, manipulative, low self esteem but high confidence to protect their anxiety. She even said at times \i was privelaged to be with her and I am an attractive guy.
The final straw was it was my birthday 3 weeks ago no text nothing so itexted to say do you really want to end a 5 year relationship over trivia.Lets meet like adults and sort it out . No relpy and have no contact for 4 weeks. Those reading this must think dont bother move on.
Oh god where do I start. No one really knows the fully extent of what i live with. When i first met John i fell for him straight away and within a year of meeting we were married. He promised me the world. I had two daughters from a previous marriage and had been on my own for about ten years. My first husband husband suffered from clinical depression resulting in a break down. After ten years of marriage we called it a day. Due to his illness I didnt really have much help with the girls and money had always been tight. So when John came into my life, a successful business man, funny and seemed so caring, and told me he was going to take care of me and the girls I thought christmas had come. I was totally blinded by love. I should have seen the early warning signs, but i didnt. He had a son from a previous relationship who lived with his ex. Initially he used to discuss how she was a bad mother and he was going to do all he could to get his son away from her. Over the years this has become an obsession. His son lives a three hour drive away and originally he would see him for a long weekend every other weekend. But his obsession became so great he would stop everything to drive three hours to collect his son from school just to drop him off at his ex’s to interfere and as he put it break down their bond and to interupt the time his son spent with the mother. Almost every other day he was doing 6 hour round trips to complete his mission. This started to put us under financial pressure. When we married John wanted me to give up work because “he wanted to look after me”, initially i loved being the stay at home wife and mother, i had never had it before, i doted on him doing every thing i could to please him, i felt it was the least i could do. Also before meeting John i had applied for planning permission to put an extension on my property. I gained the permission but in the end i felt i had struggled enough and the expense would put me under more strain, so i put it on hold. After John and I were married he said I will build the extension for you, it wont cost you a penny, and it will add value to your property then we can sell it and buy our own place. that was five years ago. the extension is half up. my house is a mess he said he had run out of funds to complete it, however he had a business deal going through that would take care of it, and if i cashed in my endowment policy that would fund the completion of the building work in the meantime then he would replace the money when his deal finalised. i know this all sounds so stupid but i really believed him. i handed over my hard earnt cash. my extension is still not finished, i am living in caos. if i complain i am made to feel stupid, he is verbally agressive most days. my mother cant stand him and most of my friends wont call when he is at home. he doesnt want me working and when i do it causes massive rows, but we are now under huge financial pressure i am so worried about losing my house which i fought so hard to keep. i paid out my first husband and it took me many hours hard work just to keep up with the basics. now i feel that i have been totally used. i am not allowed to complain. he said before he came along i was on my own and thats how i will end up again. he makes me feel really low, unloved and a total rubbish person. my oldest daughter is in university, but my youngest is 16 still lives at home, i try and keep a happy ship until she leaves for uni. i am so unhappy if it wasnt for the girls i could happily walk infront of a bus, but i couldnt do that to them. i dont feel strong enough at the moment to leave, i have gone from a fun loving person with lots of friends to almost a recluse. i dont even recognise myself anymore. my mum says she is concerned about me but i try and make light of it. no one knows the half, its so true when people say you dont know what goes on behind closed doors. in a five year period there have been so many times i have locked myself away and cried my heart out. but you cant reason with john. he is always right, and until i can get myself together i live this awfull existance.
currently sat hiding in the dark praying he wont come round after finaly having enough on friday when i found out he had deleted most of my friends numbers from my phone . we were only together 10 months first couple of months where great very attentive an made me feel beautiful . but then i suffered an eptopic pregnancy which nearly killed me , he helped round the house and with my 2 children he was fantastic , but then the comments started about how dirty an distgusting my house was an how do i live like this , did i expect him to live like this ,dont you want a nice house , nice things . make an effort with myself have nice clothes and get your hair done ???? didnt have a problem with any of these things when we first got together ! well its got worse i started finding myself constanly running round with a duster and can of airfreshner in case he came round but still he would say it stinks in here and your scruffy . only comes round wen he wants to and then can sit there for hours without saying anything wats all that about ?? im not a weak person i just decided to try an find love an give it a chance . feel a fool that i let my childrem get so close . scared now he wont stop pestering me to give him a chance hence sat in the dark hiding ! wat do i do just ignore him and hope he gives up ??
I was married to a control freak. Oh, he was nice and loving in the beginning, obviously to ‘scam’ me into believing that he was the person I thought he was. But after a few months the real person began to bubble forth. Nothing I did was right, I was widowed when we met, and doing my best bringing up three children on my own. By far the majority of people who know us think I did a good job, but no, according to the oracle I did nothing right, it was a miracle none of them had ended up in prison, I was a libertine, (actually, how long can a post be? I could write a novel). To cut a tediously long story short, I ended it this past May after my 16 y/o son informed me that the ex had asked him (son) one day “How much would it cost me for you to never come home again? – yes, that was another thing kept hidden until after we married, the fact that he didn’t really like sharing me with my own children!
Like Beth’s husband above, the ex has no contact at all with any of his family, he is estranged from all of them.
And to Wendy who posted above me, nah, that won’t work, the ex would only suggest therapy or counsellors when I had done something he wasn’t happy with, he views them as a means of changing others, and from reading the article I think most if not all control freaks think the same way.
Onwards and upwards, I am well rid of him, just counting down the days till I can file for divorce (only grounds in NZ are 2 years living apart.)
To control freaks
Go and get a good therapist and get treatment. Go back to your childhood then you may find the answer.
I am married to a control freak. I also work with him, so it is 24/7!!! Last year on our anniversay he smashed some ornaments that he knew were of great sentimental value. He has tried to isolate me from friends and family but always says that he has not stopped me from seeing them. It is the way he is and the atmosphere he creates that has caused this isolation. My daughter has recently moved back to live nearer, living with us until her house was ready. After 2 months he stopped speaking to he after an argument, this meant that he did not speak to me either, his comment was that we are always together and joined at the hip. He has bouts of not speaking to me, lasing from a few days to months. He ignored my parents for three years and has no contact at all with his own family. Of course it is not his fault.
He is currently trying to drive a wedge between my daughter and myself and has ‘banned’ me from taking her in one of our cars. Whe I had my car, he told me not to drive it and I was not to take it out of the garage (I ignored him). Ignoring these people makes them try to find another way to hget at you. My situation is escalating, he has just put a block on all our bank acocunts and is insisting on joint signatures. Well the balloon will go up because he needs my signature as much as I need his.
This is a no win situation. The only way is out and I know there is a battle ahead.
We are the prime example of “not in my neighborhood” – successful, 2 children and a picket fence. No one really know what goes on behind closed doors. I am deeply saddened by the stories listed above. We all feel as though we are in this alone, when, in actuality, there are many of us in the same circumstance. Have been with my husband for 35 years (married 24 years, living together 11). You would have thought in the 11 years prior to marriage I would have seen enough warning signs to run away screaming with my hands waving! But, denial worked for me at the time. Thought I could change him. Thought I could make him a better person. Thought I would be THE REASON he would want to change. WRONG WRONG WRONG. After 35 years of of being intimated and manipulated with emotional and physical abuse and walking around on eggshells to avoid the next upset and receive the wrath of fury….I must remove myself from this situation. The difficult part of this decision is we are business partners, as well as married. The need for control has lapsed over from business to home and back. All the while, including our children in his wrath to the point that they state they will never visit when they move away from home. Any lack of control can send him reeling into a rage. The older he becomes, I believe, the more controlling he is – to a dibilitating degree. He cannot watch my sons games that he plays in, because he cannot control his emotions. He is unable to control his emotions in our business dealings , causing more burned bridges that I care to mention. Over the years, I have become used to covering up any disgressions or issues that would cause an outburst. Sometimes having to lie, just to maintain our sanity and physical well-being. He never takes responsbility for his actions, he does not have the tools to be compassionate ,(which was a tough one when I was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation), hates anyone that is close to me or my family (probably for fear of losing control of us), has alienated his entire family…It’s just a sad state of affairs. This blog has been an emotional outlet for me. I am hoping someone can blog me back with some wise words of wisdom – I know..I know…GET OUT!!!
Reading these stories have really helped me. I have just split up from a boyfriend of 2 years. I too am intelligent and have a psychology degree so in a way I saw the red flags as I was going along. I had though been suffering depression before I met this man so I went into it because I was lonely. At first after seeing him only about 3 weeks he started going on at me about my weight. I was really hurt at this but he just kept saying he’d lost a lot of family members and was worried I’d die on him. So in a way I could kind of understand but I still knew this wasn’t right. He went out with me that way so he shouldn’t be nagging me. I was trying to lose weight but found that the more nagging he did the more I’d eat out of retaliation. Then he’d feed me food that was full of fat because he hasn’t a clue about healthy eating. I’d tell him I didn’t want certain foods but he still didn’t seem to understand. He genuinely doesn’t have a clue about food. He just fed me what he wanted to feed me then complained about me not making an effort to lose weight. He has never complained about me seeing friends but he has to have everything his own way and he admits this. He says he’s not a very nice person, he’s aggressive and people don’t like him. He laughs at this. I think he gets a kick out of it. Because I am quite a strong person I have retaliated and just argued back. He said he likes this about me! But I don’t like arguing and no matter how many times I’ve asked him not to nag at me he just doesn’t hear me. He continues to nag constantly. If it wasn’t about my weight it was other things relating to my past which made me depressed in my past. I told him that I was depressed before about the same subject and that now I was sorting it out on my own it wasn’t depressing me any more. But he continually brought up the same subject even though he knew it depressed me. He’d constantly criticise me and go on about it as if I’d been a stupid girl to get in such a state. It was really draining on me constantly telling him not to nag at me. I can honestly say he’s had me in tears almost every weekend since I’ve met him. He ruled the roost or at least he thought he did. He made decisions, told me about these decisions and when I brought up the subjects later as if it was something he had told me as fact, he’d then shout at me saying it was just a suggestion and he wasn’t go to do it. I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells. He asked me to move in with him, then he gave me a “ring” – he said he wanted to marry me one day. He put his house on the market to buy a place where we could live together then took the house off the market without telling me and I knew something was up. I was busy doing up my house that I hadn’t visited his house in a month. When I was going to his house he then told me it was off the market. That was when I realised all the times he had told me not to bother coming up to see him was really because I’d know the house was off the market. That was our plans for a future up the spout even before he had discussed it with me.
When criticising me eating a chocolate biscuit in front of someone else he just said “I just do it to wind her up”!
Having read all about controlling people I am so angry that deep down inside he is doing all this as a means of controlling me and genuinely trying to belittle me.
I didn’t want to walk away from this relationship as I’d been in a bad relationship before and wanted to not fail yet again! He had promised me at the beginning he wasn’t a cheater (which I believe he isn’t) and that he was in it for the long haul. He was upfront with me and downright honest. I thought this was a good thing but I now know that even the most honest person needs to have some discretion! But then again he’s not honest if he’s been deceiving me in order to control me!
Like others he told me that I am lucky I’ve found someone who won’t cheat on me! So I’m supposed to put up with all the other stuff then! I don’t think so.
It ended with him going in a rage and pointing his finger at me screaming at me about his inadequacies with his family blaming me that I’m taking up all his time and he doesn’t spend the time with his family. My response was that was his own decision and I was leaving – getting out of this destructive relationship. So I did. I walked away with him in complete disbelief.
I’m still raw, I’ve cried, but I’ll get over it. I always say if you’ve lost someone in your life to death like I’ve lost my mother, I can get over anything.
i have just read Annes entry and if you are reading this Anne i really feel for you. i have been married long enough to raise a family and all the things you say are the same for me but so far i have not been hurt .
He has damaged things, when he is in a violent temper. Although i am unwell he only cares about getting his own way and leaves me on my own when i need help. I keep things nice at home and cook and clean and everything he needs is there ready, yet for some minor disagreement he will stop talking to me for weeks on end but be so normal with other people , there is no chance of talking to me, he talks AT me and he makes no sense with his unrealistic notions and accusations. Like you anne i love my husband but i don t like him. Also i am completely dependant on him as i am not able to work. i often feel like a prisoner. He denies everything he says and does, i can be in trouble if i fall asleep during a film or when in town with him go into a shop i didn t say i was going into before hand. He yawns when i try to talk to him in a normal happy way and takes over all interaction with other people, which i feel makes people think i am not friendly and they can only talk to him which i suppose is what he wants. I feel helpless within this problem and i just seem to be constantly worried of when he will have his next trantrum.
hi, i’m so confused but from reading this page it is starting to answer so many questions i had. i’m 25 living wit my partner for 5 years also have a son who is 5. over the last 3or4 yrs things have been awful, always his way or the high way, never admits to bein wrong, never accepts responsibility, never EVER apologises, insults me and all my family, doesnt talk to my mom or brother because he thinks he is above them. he has no problem physically hurtin me when he thinks he has no more words left or when i stand up to him. his moods can change so fast its like u pressed a button. he can give me silent treatment for weeks and weeks on end and it doesnt seem to bother him. i cant cope wit all the fighting i hate it but it doesnt seem to rattle him the slighest. he dwells on old problems so much and if i slip up in any small way at all he freaks out. i’m so upset and so scared all the time but i’m also afraid of losin him. we moved in with his parents a few months ago and their life is exactly like this, worse even at times. they have to abide by strict routine in the house every day otherwise his father flips out. i know my partner hates the carryon of his own parents, when we do get on he admits he never wants to be like them but then he goes and acts like them leaving me so confused and taurmented.
ohh this all sounds too familiar to me……when i married 25 years ago, i was into taking care of my husband thought i could make him happy…..WRONG! although i must say i thought i did. Than came the kids, since than 22 years ago it has been down hill battle of money issues always telling me he could lose his job at any minute and i believed him. I was vulnerable with two little boys to care for. To this day he is still saying the same thing about the same job although i am now in the workforce and could very well care for myself. I am changing it now…..i tell his ass off any chance i get, because yu know what leave if u dont like it suckker! I am sick of his spoiled baby ways and even my kids do not feed into his BS anymore. Everynight he reads his account information online that is his hobby……and will rant if a spent money. I guess that is his way of sayig i have been a bad girl. Well all the days i spend letting this ass intimidate me, no more i am turning the tables before i leave this asshole. I do not care anymore. He can kiss my ass, as yu can see i am bitter and resentful from all the years i spent thinking he would change, well i am here to tell u they DO NOT change. You have to change. My frieds r sick of hearing me say i have no money can’t go anywhere because HE wil get angry……..tooo freakin bad so get angry, sucker. Thes emen r BIG huge babies that have gotten away wi this behavior. I can only speak for myself of course but i did let this shit go on way too long, to keep peace at any price and he knew it too! So from now on no more MRS niceee Nice. He can kiss my ass.
Hi I am a control freak and it is destroying my life. At 58 I have just discovered what my problem is and now I need to find a way of coping as I have been in therapy since 1980 and I am still in therapy with a psychologist who is helping but I have spent 30 years looking for an answer to my anger and depression and all along the answer has been inside of me. Why do I need too control everything is the question that I need to answer what am I so scared of that I need too control everything and that is the scary part its as if i am running away from me my emotions are what scares me. Can any one help.
Have you thought about hypnotherapy? It can take you back to your childhood which may have been the time when something triggered your controlling behaviour. Once you realise what caused it you can put it behind you and move on to become a healthy adult and have a healthy relationship with someone on equal terms. Well done though for getting this far and recognising you have a problem. If you need more information on hypnosis get in touch.
You can`t get true happiness and peace with a control freak, no matter how much you care and love them- my exhusband has continued controlling me- but i have just realised he is using my son as well. We divorced because of domestic violence, i have low self esteem- he was on probation for a year. He pays no maintainance, i have worked for the nhs all my working life. Because i have just realised he is saying negative things about me and my parents, who have always helped with looking after my son, to my son when he sees him at the weekend i am so regretful. What do i do? My son comes first, but he is 6 years old and fond of his dad – his dad is saying he`ll see him whenever but i look like the big bad wolf as i have said that daddys day is saturday- my son doesnt understand
I’ve read your article by Anthony Bradley on Control Freaks and it describes my relationship with my wife “perfectly”. We’ve been separated 6 months but it’s taken nearly all that time to get my self esteem back to normal. I spent years try to accomplish the impossible task of making this woman happy.
I have given up on my relationship with her, but we share 3 children. Is the “anything” I can do to help her help herself ?
In your article you say “him”, as the natural assumption is that only the male can be controlling or domineering in a relationship. I’m a man and your article struck a cord with me up to this point. It seams that every time I reach out for some help I hit this wall. A woman walking away from a controlling husband is seen as strong, “she finally found the strength to leave him”, “good on her”. While this is true the same situation for a man results in, “he’s just weak”, “he must have done something to her”. You’re perpetuating this by you’re careless words. It’s people like you that don’t think about this that make it 1000 times harder every day to keep going.
You make a good point as women can be just as controlling as men as I know all too well, which is why this article was written.
My husband and have been together for 5 years (married for 2 years) and quite simply he is driving me mad.He is such a bully. He tells me he will do things which he pulls out of at the end, he keeps financial information hidden from me, I have no say in anything, treats me like I am stupid and I have caught him out looking at really vulgar porn in which I now think he gets sent to a hidden email address.He never laughs or smiles or interacts with the kids much and when we are with friends, he’s so arrogant he doesn’t participate in conversations but quite simply “blanks out”.His Father is much the same controlling , rude old man he has done the same to his wife for years.I feel I don’t love my husband anymore, that I am staying for the kids.He wakes me up every morning anywhere from 4-5 wanting sex, even though he knows I am really tired (I am a nurse and I do shift work).He never lets me sleep in until 7, I am always having to get up to the kids whilst HE sleeps in, and he’s married to his work.From what I hear he did this ti his first wife too and she walked out…maybe I should!
Been in a relationship for 18 1/2 years. In the last 10 years, things have gotten progressively worse. He constantly tries to assert his authority and proceeded today, to tell me that if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have anything!
How can that be? Is he really that ignorant and into himself that he doesn’t see the real truth? He is the one that got fired from his job and got caught trying to double dip the Unemployment and Disability systems. Cost us almost $1,000. He is the one who refuses to look for a job because he thinks he will be hired at the same level he was fired at. Even continues to make sure everyone knows, he did nothing wrong. Sits at home all day watching TV and playing games on the computer and I’m the loser. HA! Ignorance must be bliss.
Me, well, not only am I employed but have received a 40% increase in salary the last 3 years and received a bonus of 10% for last two years running. I owe him? Really? Are you kidding me? Debts are limited to the house and my daughter’s car – credit card is paid off every month. Even making sure his credit cards are paid even though he isn’t working.
In the process of getting a divorce and he still lives in the house. I was going to try and keep the house and give him a place to live for a couple of years. I’m now thinking that I should just let it go, save for a deposit on another place and screw him and his arrogance. Am I stooping to his way of thinking? I don’t want to become him. His parents think it’s not his fault – and yet his mother left his biological father because of spousal abuse and domestic violence. Granted he hasn’t been physical, yet but the verbal and emotional abuse I’ve been through, especially in the last 10 years, has increased. My mental health can’t take it anymore. Can’t wait to get out of this mess and move on with life.
Might have cut back until house is sold, but I’m pretty sure, I’ll eventually be the winner!
Cannot believe how many stories are like mine.. I met a knight in shinin armour.. kind, carin, generous… he lived away… after year we sold both houses, bought dream house dream car, i had a 6yr old… after moving in within 6wk i got preg…. then it started… he’s never been massively violent but he is NEGATIVE, MOODY, TOTALLY SELFISH, MISERLY WITH MONEY ETC.., COLD, HARD, OPINIONATED… do i need to go on??? I am the exact opposite….fell for his little sad boy stories of him bein hit off hi dad (which I have found from his family, seem to be fabricated) thought I could help him, thought if i gave him love and tenderness he would “thaw” I have to constantly motivate him to be happy around the kids.. he’s a moody grump, only happy when he’s polishin his dream machine (which he never uses) and goin to pub with his mate… which I advise him to do as much as poss… house is happy, warm and cosy when he not ere… i do everythin wi kids, cinema, trips to sea-side etc etc he goes nowhere with us (gladly) he says, money doesnt run to it.. I have a job and pay half my way to everythin and all the kids stuff.. he just spends on himself.. doesnt think they should have much for b.day of xmas.. he likes to save his money… while he gets richer I get poorer, but my kids and i are happy so that makes me happy. my eldest can do no right even tho he is the lovliest kid, he makes him unhappy always on at him. However, I have changed from wanting to constantly diffuse his volcano erruptions by soothin him, to not toleratin any controllin behaviour by sayin “shutup noone listens to you” he cant believe and doesnt like the change in me but I feel exhausted from the bickerin and always bein ready for th fight… I feel like a zombie and have NO feelins for him except resentment for makin me and my eldest unhappy. i have nowhere to go and no money.. and he knows it, which he reminds me, if i leave he will make sure i have nothin an make my life a misery.. he’s a bully. i only stay because my little one loves daddy i cant break his heart… but one day i will have the courage to leave and me and my boys will be happy and cosy all the time….
Here’s praying you will find courage to move out and move on. It is not easy but for your mental health and the mental health of your children, it would be best.
You sound like a very loving and caring woman…
Hi Emma, I hope you had the strength to resist going on holiday with him. Like you I am in a relationship with a control freak. When I started a relationship with him I had a job that I liked, my own circle of friends, a social life and my own money. Now I am totally financially dependant on him, with a year old daughter. I have no contact with any friends and he even checks my phone and computer history to see what Ive been doing while he is at work. I like to think that I am a relatively intelligent person and I have always been independant. How the hell have I got myself into this mess? I don’t recognise this weak and helpless person that I have become. I had known my partner socially for years, when we got together a mutual friend warned me about him. At the time he was on his best behaviour, full of compliments and surprises, there was nothing that he wouldnt do. When I pointed this out to my friend he told me that although I might have known this man as a friend now that I was his girlfriend he would behave totally differently to me as he now thought he owned me. Oh how I wish that I had listened. The controlling behaviour didnt really surface until our baby was born. He convinced me not to go back to work saying that he earned enough to support us both. At the time I thought that he was being considerate in enabling me to spend more time with the baby, now I can see that he was making me more dependant on him. He actually withholds household money and goes off on a bender if I try to assert myself. I cant go to the gym anymore as he finds fault with all of my childcare arrangements and he wont look after the baby if I want to do something like go and see friends or to nightclasses. When friends used to call around he made them feel so unwelcome that they stopped calling, if I went out he would fill my phone inbox with abusive messages. He always tells me how fat I am and how nobody would ever want me. Im a size 10. He constantly wants my attention, even if Im reading a book or watching tv he starts to get agitated and will try to cause an argument just for the attention. I had a difficult birth with my baby but as soon as I came home from hospital he was demanding sex. When I refused he started accusing me of sleeping around and said that the baby wasnt his. This was when she was 5 days old until 6months. What was supposed to be a beautiful bonding time for us he turned into another long tantrum. He shouts in my face all of the time, he has pushed me and spat in my face, I do find him intimidating. Especially the brooding silences when you’re just waiting for him to explode. He has told me that I don’t know how lucky I am to have him because he doesnt hit me or cheat on me. What a catch! I would have thought that was a given in any relationship. We dont go out anywhere socially because he always hits somebody or argues and its always my fault. Even when we go on holiday or day trips he has to spoil it by sulking if everything doesnt go his way. His favourite trick is to have a mega tantrum before Christmas, birthdays and family gatherings, that way he thinks he has leverage for other things at a later date when I pacify him just to get on. I have had enough but I don’t know where to begin.
Acting like a spoiled child hit it right on the head. My wife came from privileged family. She acts like a spoiled brat. She always has to have her way “right now”. If she doesn’t she pouts and says I’m so mean to her. Trying to reason with her as an adult is very frustrating. Her latest demand is that I am supposed to have her dinner ready as soon as she walks in the door from work. I need to leave, but I have no resources. She bullied me into a position where I’m financially dependent on her.
Wow, this is weird. I found this website last night and feel like my world has changed. I’m really not one for forums or anything. But last night, after four years, I put the words “Control Freak” into Google and ended up here. I’m supposed to go on holiday tomorrow. I don’t want to go. I’ve told him I don’t want to go. He’s said “fine”, and is now up in bed. Silent treatment. It happens a lot. I’m scared of his silence. He hasn’t had his rage yet. I imagine it’ll come in the early hours, when I don’t get up, ready to leave with him.
We sleep in seperate rooms.
I need to get this off my chest. I know its abusive. I know he’s a control freak. And I know given the age of the posts here, it is likely no one will ever read this. But, at least, speaking to the whole world, in complete anonymity I might find some peace.
Bullet points are best for me…
- He was very neglected as a child, and bought up in a foster home
- His foster dad was a verbal bully. He never laid a finger on any of them… “but he didn’t need to”
- He asked me to move in with him. I was renting a room having just finished uni. Once I moved in, he told me, I needed to buy my own house so “I had somewhere to go if we split up”.
- I bought my first ever house. Alone. Massive mortage. I got the best I could afford. He came round on the night I got the keys and walked round shouting and swearing at me for buying such a mess. It needed so much work. He wouldn’t come and view anything with me. He wouldn’t come round and do the second viewing with me. I was alone. I’m sure I loved the house when I saw it. But he’s ruined it. I do everything by myself. I had to renovate it myself… At massive cost. He wrote lists of what needed to be done. everything was on credit cards or overdraft. I was oooo poor. He was so rich, but still charging m rent to stay with him. I rent it out, I find tenants, I pay all the bills / insurance… I wasn’t allowed to be scared or wrried when the market crashed and I was in negative equity… I earn £25k. He earns £100k plus. He doesn’t help me at all. But one day he slipped up and told me my house was to be his pension!!!!
- Every time, every single time I disagree, or challenge him, his response is “That’s it, its over, I’ve had enough. Get out of my house.” I have tenants. I have nowhere to go! I have to phone my mum and dad! Once he packed all my stuff in binbags and told me to leave. He wrestled the door key off me. But I’m ashamed to say, I went back when he hit me with the charm offensive.
- Twice now, we’ve had a few drinks and we’ve had sex, and he’s slapped me in the face. although he denies it. How could I imagine that?
- Every single time we have sex (twice a month~) I have to dress up
- We were shouting and screaming at each other the month… He spat on me. I was devasted. But he told me me he spat AT me not ON me. Apparently that makes a difference.
- Tirades of verbal abuse. Out of nowhere. I’m a blood sucker who feeds off the generosity of other people!!! I had two jobs when I met him! I work so hard in a job I hate, but a job he has told me to stay in.
- I’m a wreck. If I didn’t have the mum, dad and brother that I do, I think I would have pulled the curtains by now.
- Getting to the end of this, you might be surprised to hear, I have a Bachelors, and Masters Degree in Law! I’m a really intelligent girl, a very pretty intelligent girl. When we were first together I used to laugh at his reasoning… telling him “There are soooo many flaws in your argument!” And giggle… Now look at me…
There is so much more I could add… If I read this back like it was someone else writing this, I’d tell them they are in a very dangerous situation and should leave.
I just hope I find the strength to not be bullied into going on holiday, and to stay here, pack my stuff, and leave…
Thank you for reading this
I was in a volient relationship for 12years. I’m a very quiet person who keeps myself to myself and and happy being a homely person, I don’t drink or go out to pubs. My partner at the time did drink. He had a bad temper if he had a bad day or to make things go his way, as I’m very sumisive. He hit me and head butted me and smashed up our house and frightened me alot. I didn’t start a family of my own because of his volient outbursts. I used to quickly get in my car and drive somewhere quiet, never far from my home as I was in a panic and crying
And stay there for a night he wouldn’t ever ring to see if I was ok after he had hit me or to see where I was. Stuipidly I would always go back the next day to clear up my smashed things and he knew that I would. His rage would last for days then be back to normal again. After 12years of this I finaly left him cause I was frightened for my life as the rages got alot worse. I stayed in my car for a while and left nearly all my belongings behind. I didn’t tell anyone for 12 years about this but my family had ideas by the way I was. Anyway after a while I met another man who I was good friends with for a year before we got together as I wanted to be sure I knew him, I fell in love even though I swore I wouldn’t fall in love again. He doesnt drink or go out to pubs either. I moved in with him and I thought I deserve to be happy now.he gave me and still does alot of attention and love, something I was waiting for all my life. Thing were great for a few months but slowly started to control me in a different way. First he got upset when my famly foned me then he snaped up my sim card and brought me a new fone and only he was aloud my number, but he kept his fone with all his calls. He says if my family want to get hold of me they can call or text him. When they have rang me his been very rude to them on the fone , and says cause they didnt help me out of my volient relationship. He hasn’t passed text messages onto me including my customers so I lost my business. If I said I have to talk to my mum today he sits right beside me so he can hear word for word of what she is saying and butts in telling me what to say making it really uncomforble for me as I don’t like being rude to her. I’ve never been aloud to visit my mum on my own he always came, now his saying he doesn’t want me to see them now but visits his own family. Also he controls what I wear now and buts me down sometimes. Also now we are together 24/7 which I don’t mind but it makes me feel abut like he doesn’t trust me. But there is nothing not to trust I have no friends I’m not interested in any other men. He has friends and talks to girls, so this gets to me. He controls the money. I have no savings. I don’t want to leave and if I do I it will be back to sleeping in the car again!
I’m confused I love him and he loves me but I’m not sure what’s happening.
Thank god for this website! I’m 25 years old and have been with my 43 year old husband for 7 years. We have two small children. To say he’s controlling would be an understatement. He is very generous but that uses that for control- when I’m ‘good’ I get money when I’m ‘bad’ none at all. If I disagree with him, even about which tea towels to buy, he’ll not speak to me for days and convince me it’s ALL my fault. I’m depressed, anxious, nervous and stressed. He uses physical and mental bullying if he doesn’t get his way. I can’t cope any more, I constantly feel like I’m ‘a bad person’ that should be punished for my defiance. This is hell.
Hi I am glad I hav found this site. I am in a relationship with someone who I believe is a control freak. The thing is I love him and am struggling to do anything about his behaviour . I just grit my teeth apologise although I believe it’s not my fault just so that we stop arguing. When we are out and I object or remark on something that I find offensive that he has said or done he can become vere aggressive and hostile even threatening. Only a few nites ago we were in a restuarant he started pointing his finger at me shouting and saying he was not going to talk to me all nite. This was happening within a matter of minutes of previously enjoying a meal and being very loving. My heart was racing but I did not like the situation I was in and I was detrined that he was not going to threaten me anymore. Ianaged to humour him to get through the nite but I know over the next few days it’s going jo be hard work. Any advice here is much appreciated as I have been very positive recently after our last bust up but I feel hopelessness and sadness coming on. . Theresa x
I leave the country for extened periods on business. I purposely take these jobs to get away. She is afraid of swallowing a pill, taking any form of medication, and still demands that everything must be under her control; finances, banking accounts, driving the car or boat. I had to buy a second boat just to get time behind the wheel and not be ridiculed by all the other boaters and their wives. She has nevr had a job nor has she finished her HS degree. I have a BS in Engineering and an MBA. If she doesn’t get her way she has a fit, calls her mother and the police. I have been arrested for abuse numerous times and everytime the charges are dropped. She says she doesn’t want to destroy my career because we need my income and she doesn’t have one, but I need to understand her fear of alcohol and public settings. I like to sing karaoke and never have more than a couple of drinks. SHe starts bitching that I better not drink tonight even before we leave the house. None of my arrests were alcohol related and all of our children tell her to stp and cry and defend me in court. I am leaving for Kuwait in a few days. She won’t fly but I keep trying to get her to take a course to larn to fly and come visit. She also accuses me of being unfaithful. I am not. She believes everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, yet she drinks on occassion. She accuses my daughters with everything under the sun, but her daughter is perfect. I miss my girls and her daughter but stayig home is not possible. I am missing the best yers of my life hiding overseas.
There has to be a better way…your girls are learning a behavior which should not be tolerated.
I am what you describe – the control freak. I did not realise what I was doing. My wife left me a year ago. I now realise what a muddle I was in. I was ‘fighting the world’ for no good purpose. It took me 6 months and a prompt from a friend which allowed me to stand back and look at myself. I never set out to control my wife. We fill each other’s voids. I did not set out to bully the person I love and still love. She never stood up to me and slowly the balance tipped more and more until after 26yrs of generally happy marriage and 3 daughters she ran away from all of us. Now I understand what went wrong I believe I have completely changed. My friends and daughters say I have. I have got rid of all my ‘toys’ I have honestly changed my attitude to life and no longer am i at odds with society. How do I get this across to my wife in the hope that she will at least try me out. She has hidden herself away in a cottage in Scotland saying she is terrified of me. I have never been violent, never been rude, never been drunk etc… I just need a chance. Friends seem unable to get the message through. It is all too late as far as she is concerned yet we will both be unhappy as single people and our daughters, even though young adults, are devastated.
Thank you all for your stories, they have helped me this night. I am up late tonight out of desperation and unhappiness. My husband is a control freak especially with money. He was raised by an uber-control freak Mother and Father who went along with the Mom. I have no contact now with her.
At first i thought it was me thinking that it takes two to tango in a relationship, right? I see now that for the first 4 years I enabled him, the 5th year I couldn’t take it anymore and yelled at him almost straight for about 3 mos! This slowed him down. And surprisingly he did change somewhat.
I stopped yelling finally! Over the past year I have slowly started to treat him the way he treats me. I didn’t know I had actually turned the tables on him…I didn’t plan it. It has been a self-protective move otherwise I would have left.
The sad result…..I don’t like myself anymore and have decided to stop allowing him to push my buttons…..I want to keep the good parts with him because there are many and get rid of the crappy parts (don’t know if that’s possible but I’m going to try).
If things don’t improve might have to hit the road. Wish me luck!
the physical response to control freaks is damaging to health. I have had acid stomache and sour mouth and worry so much about my dental enamel or getting ulcers.,,my brain waves know things are not good so m..y friends know more than I tell them..avoid friends is a sure clue to a contr freak….big ego and blame others part of the negative style, hard to believe he is the the same man… romance andhe is not the person I first knew,,
Hi, reading some of these comments has really helped me.
My g\f (now ex) was not jealous, possessive, aggressive and didn’t mind me seeing friends\family but was so controlling in other ways, especially domestically. I couldn’t wash up properly, clean properly, make the bed, i was clumsy, a grot etc. If she was in kitchen she would be on the laptop and i could see her watching me wash up. Sometimes she’d come over and tell me i was washing up ‘wrong’. She would take over making dinner because i wasn’t making the spag bol ‘her way’. At first i thought maybe i was clumsy,dirty etc but then I realised it was about everything I did. I am sure i did do somethings ‘wrong’ but eventually it was the CONSTANT CRITICISMS that made me a bag of nerves around her. When i challenged her she would say ‘ you make me like this’ and ‘ i have never lived with anyone as grotty as you’. She would also inspect how i washed the plates, pots etc. My self esteen, confidence was at and all time low . It was all my fault!!
It’s funny but if the house was a mess she was ok. This would not phase her. However, she would only criticize me
once i was actually in the process of washing up, cleaning etc. Basically, i was doing it ‘wrong’ . Twice i snapped back at her and she said ‘ Im sick of your temper, i never know you will blow up next’…..( she snapped far more times than me)
Once she even barked at me becuase i left a pasta sauce bottle in the larder instead of the fridge-’how many times do i have to tell you?’ Also she said ‘ I dont like you drinking so much’ if I had just 3 cans of beer on a sat night watching a movie. The strangest comment ever was ‘ you just don’t think about the consequences do you’ after I went to bed and left the kitchen light on! What consequences ??
If we were watching tv, another trait was that i wasn’t allowed an opinion on anyone or anything, if it was different to hers. She would say ‘ we just have different values don’t we, i wonder about you sometimes’ There was no room for debate- I was wrong and boy did i feel guilty about my views( not extreme bye the way). She hardly ever apologised. On one occasion she did apologise for a row she started by saying ‘I’m sorry but are you sorry too?’
Reading these sites I should have seen the signs. She was caring, loving, affectionate really early on. She complimented me and i felt so good i thought i had met the ‘one’. The funny this is it was her who wanted out as in the end everything i did just irritated her!! When we split the other week she was crying so i assumed she was upset about us finishing. Wrong. As she sobbed she said ‘ I cant believe I am single again and will have to start all over again’. No mention of me or our relationship that had just ended!!
In company she was great. My family and friends loved her. I have searched many sites and can’t pinpoint what condition she has(if at all) as she has a some but not all traits of each disorder? Anyone experienced anything like this? Any help appreciated as i am so confused by these events.
cheers
Joe
She was a controlling and manipulative person but I believe she was also Passive Aggressive.
I myself am on this cite b/c I had gotten sick, scared and tired about being put down by my Passive Aggressive fiance. I took a week off, did research and therapy on that, and then had a big talk with him. Talked about how we should communicate, what’s normal, my boundaries on how to be treated, and how I thought he had a serious problem. Halfway through the 2 hour conversation I had given enough serious examples of his PA behavior that he “agreed to get some books, look in to it, and stop the behavior.” He later mentioned that his father was extremely controlling and that he (fiance) didn’t truly feel good about himself/life until he left for university. Unfortunately, in my eyes, he has taken on many of his father’s controlling/manipulative traits. I am scared things will not get better, only worse and worse.
I am continuing to look into this b/c I fear it will be a very tough decision I need to make: give up on this controlling person and call off the wedding. One day I totally ready to do this, I was very happy at work that day, then the next I told myself to talk with him instead and see if he can ID his problems and work on them (with me). Again, I am still scared, I fear nothing will help him or us.
Ive been married 17 years. The first 16 years were actually great. We met and fell head over heals for one another. We had a lot in common. We liked the same restorants, movies, music, cars. colors. We grew to love one another more everyday to the point we were very compatible. We moved in together right away and then had her sister and husband move in with us and we all got along great. I got a job that paid well but required a lot of hours. and she became pregnant and we bought a nice home to start our own family. 10 years later her father started a massage business and we made a large investment into the business. My wife said she wanted to work part time as a ditrict manager. I knew I couldnt tell her NO. So I just told her that it is a management position and that I would be worried that she could turn into a control freak like some bosses I have had in the past. You know, They were great before they were a manager. So she began working as a district manager and she would hire and fire so many different managers. I noticed she liked them in the beginnig and then once they would try to give their point of view or suggestions she would get VERY upset and fire them. In 2006 my inlaws opened a new store and they asked me to run it. I put in a month notice at my high paying job and took a major pay cut to help out the family. The day I started I noticed a whole different person in my wife and her family. What jerks they were to work with. I did manage to let there BS go past me and I made the new store thrive on my own. My inlaws started to be nice and started to tell me A++ job constantly. But then I noticed my wifes attitude towards me that she didnt like the compliments I was getting and she hired a manager for my store. I told her that the store cannot afford a manager. But she snapped at me and said that we need her and I cant wait to get you out so I can have control. I got very upset and 2 months later my inlaws crashed down on me and fired me and just made the worst family fued ever. While this hurt me to the point of depression. My wife did nothing but humiliate, bash, critizise and scream at me. I never ever fought back at her before. But this time I yelled back because she just tried to control me. I helped out around the house and she just bashed me that I didnt scrub the toilet the way she does it. You name it. I got bashed for it. She would just redicule me constantly about how much better she is than I. I was just so hurt and I finally started to quit fighting her so we could get our lifes back on track and that is not working either. I cant beleive she is destroying our family just so she can have control. I got her to go to marraige councling and she convinced the councler that I got drunk everyday after I was fired. (I admit I did go on a 3 day drinking binge and that was it). Not only is she a control freak but she is good at twisting the truth around. Now she is bashing me to my children, neighbors and freinds. She tells my children that she hates me and she wants me out of the house. She tells my children that I tried to punch her but she ducked. (I have never hit my wife ever nor will I ever)In the mean time I tell my children to always love your mother. My wife is just out to destroy me now. Everything I worked so hard for is now coming to an end. I have tried and tried to reconcile but she is just too controling with her cut downs. I am to the point I know im beating a dead horse. Im better off just giving up. I have lost hope.
i have been with my girlfriend on and off for 6 years, we met wen we were 17, had our first baby together when we were 18, lived together for 4 months before i coudnt take another second of her controlling, jealous, possesive and agressive behaviour. we then spent a few years apart, i still got A LOT of phone calls, txts etc (even when she knew i was working) usually just to demand i gave her more money on payday (she had nearly half of my £120 wage whilst she picked up nearly £300 a week on DLA aswell) or i picked her up some shopping on my way to see my daughter.
this all came to a head one night wen i was asleep with my little girl on the couch at her flat, ******* stumbled in at 6am with a guy, woke me and my daughter up laughing and just generally being loud (like normal ;p) jumped in my daughters bed and started having (REALLY LOUD) sex wit this guy. maybe im overreacting but i went in the room, shouted sum obscenites at her and walked home.
we didnt talk for about 2 months until she invitd me round for a meal, we ended up getting quite drunk and she turned on the tears saying how sorry she was etc etc, i fell for it, stopped thinkin with my head and started thinking with my dick, we had “makeup sex” and that was that. but that wasnt that. id got her pregnant. again.
lost my job and my flat another month later (my own fault lol) she jumped at it and said i could move in with her for a bit. i knew it was a bad idea but didnt have anywere else to go at the time so.. before this happened, i had some good mates, a busy social life and i was HAPPY. as soon as id moved back in with her, my mates would ring me up at the weekend asking if i was coming out for a drink, she would use the usual control freak excuses for me not to go out and leave her ( my mates cant stand her so she wasnt invited). so i just said i was tired or busy. but the odd time i did go out, it was like any other time i went out without her. constant phone calls and txts, even to the ppl i was with! (she always has to know who im with, what im doing, what im saying, when im coming back, why arnt i back yet, am i cheating on her) eventually they stopped asking me as they knew wat my answer would always be and they probably just dont want to be harassed by my psycotic girlfriend! i can now say i have no friends, i even find myself avoiding their texts, facebook msgs etc when they do contact me.
im sick of being treated like a babysitter, she can swan off shopping with her friends and be out all day and i dont harrass her when shes coming back. i take my daughter to school everyday and pick her up, make the kids meals, look after the baby ALL of the time, which in a way is probably better because she just shouts and screams at them most of the time anyway. im fed up with being put down in front of friends (hers and mine) and basically living my life as her butler and nanny.
she is determined that i WILL marry her, i just humour her to keep the peace at the minute, although its getting harder not to tell her what i really think :p.
i have the strength to leave her and i WILL do it, i’l just feel reallly bad on the kids having to live with her afterwards. the only family i have live on the other side of the country or abroad. is it right i leave the kids just to get away from the woman? even if i send any money i earn to her till i can get my life back on track? im 23, shoudnt i have a life aswell as my responsibilities?
will be very grateful for any advice i can get, it was just good to get this off my chest as it seems noone is there to listen to me anymore.
:) thanx x
This been quite a revelation, I have been restling with my mind for nearly 12 months now and had put my feelings down to a mid life crisis, but I felt somehow it was’nt and something else was wrong.
I have been married for 15 years ironically apparently “happily”, but last year something just clicked and I felt very down and wished to be on my own. It’s taken six months and some councelling, to understand how dominated and overwhelmed I have been, my wife controls everything I do, where I go, who I am with and what I wear.
She happily says I am fat, don’t walk properly, have poor posture and critisizes most things I do if they do not benefit her directly. Anything of mine has to be put away, or put in the garage out of sight. The dishes must be put in a particular sink, washing done in a certain manner, I am an exellent DIYer but i get critisized for doing it wrong. This has all finally got to me, like the rest of you, the charm gets turned on and everything is meant to be ok, but it is not I don’t want to smile and say ok everythings fine anymore.
I feel totally worthless and have told friends so, I am not I have a responsible job earn good money ( yet am never allow to spend any on myself ) whilst the house is immaculate and I pay all the main household bills, I can get critisized for spending even as little as £1.99 on myself.
As aresult I am now considering leaving, I see the rest of my life just continuing in this manner, I now feel resentment for putting so much in to this marriage and coming without so little, but think I will go mad if I don’t end it for my own dignity if nothing else. This article has been a help, as it helps me to feel I have not been imagining “IT’S ME” all the time and as others say I have always given in for a quiet life. I’m still there for the time final courage to go still eludes me, hopefully I will get there.
I am so grateful to have found this site, and have made a few comments. Feels like I am describing what happens here every day; like someone has been documenting my day, only it sounds like I am not alone in this.
What I really want to know is … how the heck do the people who you trusted over the years with your marital struggles, can be so utterly totally blind to it all????? Very frustrating trying to get help when the very support people refuse to believe you! In this I am finding out who my friends really are I guess. Anyway, thanks to all for your shared stories….. I can really relate to David’s comments. David, you make me laugh mate. Your story is so ID to me. good on you mate!
My first marriage was to a controlling man… lasted 18 years. He controlled all the money -and spent freely for his own good times but then told me there wasn’t money for me to take our kids for an end of school year ice cream and such… despite our combined 6 figure income. He joined a gym but told me that I could move the rocks in our yard if I wanted exercise. He bought new clothes but told me I had no reason to need new clothes as I only went to work and home to be with our kids. Etc. I believed much of what he told me until I got the guts to look at what was happening. He was with strippers and hookers frequently each week and was buying them expensive gifts too. One traveled with him on a business trip. Etc. I left him and started over with shared 50/50 custody of our kids (same town). I finally was able to make my own decisions for the first time in about 2 decades. I could cook what I wanted when I wanted. I could do the grocery shopping. If I needed new bras, I could buy them if I had the extra money. I could watch what I wanted on TV. I didn’t have to hear someone tell me every day how what I was doing was done not correctly or how he could do it better (including painting the walls and vacuuming the floors). It was nice to finally live without constant criticism and to have my life back. I met a man. He learned the story of my first marriage. He seemed to be what my ex was not. He was fine with me managing finances and knowing when I did or didn’t need to purchase something. He was fine with me cooking what I wanted to cook. He complimented me often, etc. Eventually we decided to get live together and got engaged. He made clear that he wanted to have another baby. We were both in our mid-40s. I didn’t think I could get PG and my older children were all moving on out of high school and into college. I was finally getting more time to do what I wanted. But he was obsessed with the idea of having “our child” (his two were also older teens). I gave in. We spoke with docs. With their support we quickly and naturally became pregnant. I love our son dearly and can’t imagine life without him. But as soon as we were married and then pregnant, my husband changed. He became controlling. If I wanted to buy anything (even pencils for my job as a teacher) he had a big issue with it. If I wanted new bras because my old were worn and no longer fit due to my breast feeding, he gave me a bunch of reasons why I didn’t really need new bras. When he is home he is keeper of the TV and its usually sports or history channel (I am bored with both). He is home most of the day, leaving for work shortly before I get home. Yet we put our son in daycare full time and my husband seldom sees him. He is often short with our son when he is with him, so I don’t fight against the full time daycare for our son… at least I know he is safe there. I don’t have spending money at all. My husband used to check my cell phone and my on-line activity all the time. I suspect he still does but I have nothing to hide, so it doesn’t bother me. Yet I have the inability to check his phones (work and personal cell). He has them with him all the time. I suspect he may be on line chatting with others (that is how I met him) and that he may be looking for an affair. We seldom have sex because of our different work schedules. I am exhausted all the time… putting in 10 hour work days and then coming home to take care of our son and household chores. My husband works weekends. But he only works 4 hours per day (but has a long commute). I feel like I lost all ability/control in my life. When I want to send a gift to my older kids or help them financially (they are both on their own as struggling college students) my husband says we don’t have the money. Like my ex, he makes quite a bit more than I do. I make mid-40s salary as a teacher. I feel like I work my butt off at work but never see a penny of my pay. He regularly puts me down, finds fault with nearly everything I do, and is generally a very negative person. He wasn’t these things when we were dating/engaged. I now have to consider if I am going to go through another divorce, this time with a very young child. I don’t want to have another long term marriage where I am controlled constantly. My husband has stated if we divorced I’d never get a penny from him. Oh… and after we were married I found out that much of our relationship was based on lies. I found out through his older kids that he was absent from their lives years at a time as he cheated on their mother and even lived states away from them to be with other women. He lead me to believe that he never cheated. He told numerous other lies to, all which came out into the open after we were married. So add to my frustration at being with a controlling person, I am also dealing with feelings of not being able to trust what he says. After we were married he took a job transfer to another state…. and I had to find another job… and leave my older kids behind. I miss them and often wonder when I will get to see them again. I love my husband… but I don’t… if that makes any sense. When I visualize happiness, I don’t visualize him in the picture. When I visualize sadness, frustration, emptiness, I see it if I remain in this relationship. But I have my son to think about…… doing what is right is hard. I love the area/climate I now live in and probably would not move back near my older kids because they are so busy with their own lives I probably wouldn’t see them much if I was there. But at least I’d have the ability to save for a trip to go see them with my son. Right now… I never know when my husband will grant me permission……. I hate that. I’m nearly 50 and treated like a child.
I guess the grass isnt greener on the other side..unfortunately im still stuck in a controlling marriage..thinking to leave when my son goes to college…..ive been a doormat for his nuerotic brain…
Kay,
I understand completely what you mean about loving your husband and not at the same time. I feel that.
And I too am almost 50 (in a few months) and find my husband still treats me like a child. But then again he treats most people that way so I know it’s not me.
Good luck!
Thank you for this website.
I had lived until two years ago with a woman who I had fallen in love with 18 years ago. We had many happy times and two children. But as the years progressed things changed. It was subtle but everything had to be done her way. If I did DIY on our house and there was a slight mistake, that was picked on, she would say we should have got someone in. And if there was something I did not agree with she would acuse me of talking down to her or patronising her and I would end up apologising. And she would shout and bring up things from years ago. It was mental abuse, I suffered with some health issues. So I opted for the quiet life for a number of years and put up with it. I know now that I should not have but we had kids, it was difficult.
However, there was an incident where at a party she got very drunk, I was driving. She passed out in bathroom, and I thought I’m revolted by this and I’m not putting up with this anymore. So I started sticking up for myself. I was not going to be a victim anymore. But it is not that easy. She announced she met somebody else. I was powerless to do anything about this because she refused to talk becasue she was in control. She said she would tell the children, so I did. She went ballistic and I ended up apologising. She had moved into the spare room, but did not leave for 5 months. It was all about her. She decided when she was going to move. The kids stayed with me, but I know it has affected them. My son stood up to her, and she has been really nasty towards him and rarely makes any contact. My daughter, well she tried to get her to move in with her. But she would not. My daughter stays alternate weekends with her mum now.
I went to counselling which helped me rebuild my life. I have in the last year met someone else, but even now two years after she left the Ex is still causing problems. Wanting to have power. Generally I do not rise to the bait and largely ignore her. My new girlfriend lives some distance away and it is only some weekends when my daughter is with her mum that I can see her. The Ex informed me that she was going on holiday for a week with her man a few days before I was going to see my girlfriend and so is still messing up my life today. The kids were not invited on the holiday. This holiday includes a weekend when my daughter would normally stay with her mum. And so I am expected to be responsible for her.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I tell her this is not on then she knows she has control because I am reacting. If I don’t it could affect my new relationship and she has control.
Richard, I have read your story and others with interest as I also married who I thought was the woman of my dreams 10 years ago, things went bad although I put up with it “for the kids”. I was constantly ridiculed left with no money to socialise, constanly did DIY on the house which was criticised, especially if I decided to rest. Things got worse, she would tell her friends how “Bad” I was to her and they would take me aside to talk to me one older male friend who did everything for her, lifts, errands while I was at work, she liked to refer to him as “her bitch” he hated it yet would speak to me about my behaviour, why does he stick by her? He feels sorry for her due to the story of her terrible abusive childhood she experienced. the bully is very clever and able to manipulate people effectively. I could not decide what to do, life had to be better elsewhere, I didn’t know if it was right to get out, was it even my fault. My wife even tried turn my stepdaughter against me by telling me she was scared of me which my stepdaughter would decline to do. I tried talking to her saying I was unhappy in our marriage and was told what terrible thing to say to any woman, turning it round on me.
Then on my birthday last year (38) she told me “she” was heart broken as she had been out with someone and as a married woman should not “have” to do that, however he was younger and better looking so it would never have worked, therfore my present was that she would stay with me.
After an over night visit in hospital due to being found by the police (I had been on anti depressants for the last year) We agreed a separation, her terms were I had to leave for 6 months wine and dine her, court her again then come back into the house as her friend. I left knowing that I would never go back and within a month had started divorce proceedings. She has even tried to control the divorce, she has stopped most access to my daughter to increase her CSA income, lied over her finances to the court, falsified house valuations, the list goes on. She has gone back to her partner she left when we got together 10 years ago, he is supporting her in stopping access, they even went on holiday without my daughter leaving her with a friend and told me 24hrs before leaving where my daughter was.
Only last night picking my daughter up I received a barrage of abuse which is now a police matter.
The moral of this story to anyone in an abusive relationship and wondering what to do…… get out!!!!
It is 11 months today since I left, my health is better, I take no medication, I have a wonderful new supportive girlfriend who is baffled by the whole thing however, as I said very supportive. My estranged wife will try and control my life continually, I have to live with it, the hardest thing is, she will do it through my daughter.
If I dont retaliate and provide my daughter with best love/support I can perhaps she will move on and bully someone else.
Finacially it may cost me everything I have to divorce her and get a fair settlement. However the future looks rosy and I am a better person than I have been in many years.
It was not my fault. I tried hard to make it work, however you cannot work/live with such a person, they will never understand your feelings or accept and value you.
There is someone else for you who will.
My thoughts are with you all.
x
Richard
Now single and happy with two children. 16 years of being with control freak, and verbal bully. Now ended. Kids have to see him – the law thing. Years of anguish, pain , now peace. Seen professional people to sort out my brain. Sifted through all the feelings. Totally different person now – the person I want to be. Enjoy my job and people. Don’t look back when made decision. Good luck to others. Agree with what is said by people. Life is for living.
Hi gents,
I have been reading this web site and it is interesting to see men feeling they are also victims of control freaks. My wife, of 16 years, only just admitted she is one. For years, I felt the problems were me, my work (military and always away) were the problems in our relationship. However, my wife would make me feel like a visitor in my home and state I was not to interfere in how it was run when I was at home.
Now I am out of the military, she can not accept I am part of our family at home all the time. She admits now she is jealous of my life style ( I work part time now) and freedom I have in my life earned from 25 years of very hard work. I felt I was to blame, sought counselling, was prescribed anti depressants and tried to fit in.
Lately, I changed Doctor and was advised to cease medication and use other strategies. he suggested he felt it was not me and asked my wife to come along to a few sessions. Bingo!! These have brought out the truth now that i am a victim of an over controlling woman who is an insecure and anxious person, relating to how her mother and father treated her as a child and her fathers treatment of her mother (abusive) .
If she can not control me and the kids, she goes into tantrums, no sex for months, I can not kiss her, sleeps in the spare room, ceases assisting in the house, no prepared meals at short notice, no talking and general silent treatment of us all or yelling and screaming at us.
We have had to separate for weekends to have peace in our home. When alone with my children, they are relaxed and life is good and chores get done and there is happy communication with children’s friends over (My wife controls visitors and if/when kids friends can come over – never allowed to drop in)
She complains that I am unloving and not supportive of her and felt, heck, maybe i am that way? Men often blame themselves and feel they are the support in a family. I have now realized, it is NOT me, I am not the fault. I find it hard to love her now and I am preparing to move on, I need to in order to not go mad and to find happiness again. I have been deeply unhappy for over 10 years. My kids want to come with me and I have to now work out a plan to move along.
So men, we are sometimes the victims too, but i am sad to see so many women suffering in silence. Get out girls, live life, there is only one life, it is now and it is yours to live and enjoy. Be happy, we all have a right to that and deserve it. Don’t let others, with their inner problems ruin you. Good luck. It is a “Wide Open Road” out there.
I really hope you can find your way as my mums ex was this way and she found a way out.
Ok here goes…. this isnt easy for me as am sat at home on his computer (have called in sick with migrane, which i think is due to the stress of living with my partner George*. I feel really bad, especially as he thinks im fine and should go to work, but couldnt face it today, feel so blue) I met him at a Dance weekender last year, we hit it off imediately. Though social websites we managed to stay in touch as we lived over 300 miles apart. We then exchanged numbers and agreed to meet, initially him coming to me. Again we got on fantastically and i couldnt believe my luck, i really believed fate played a huge part and that i had struck gold. In time we started a long distance relationship, spending most weekends driving up and down the country to be together. He was always saying how he couldnt believe his luck and was scared he would ‘wake up and find i was only a dream’. I was showered with gifts and love throughout the beginning of our relationship. Flowers at work, love letters, you name it.
The whole ‘moving in together discussion’ came earlier than normal i suppose, due to the distance, but in the end it was agreed that i would move to him as he had a house (that needed and still needs work) which he would lose money on if he sold, and the better paid secure job, that he may not find on relocating. We had been together less than a year but at the time it felt right, that life was there for taking chances. I left my job of 5years, where i made good close friends, Left behind my lovely family and friends…..basically my life, which was a happy one…… to start a new beginning with him. Unfortunately, now, i realise i may regret this, i have made the huge sacrifises to be with him and i get no thanks for this.
I now believe that George* is a control freak. Everything i do is wrong. He gets very ‘stressed’ as he has a bad enough time at work …..(where i dont think he is popular at all with his peers, he is rarely ever invited out with them) ….without having to ‘deal with me aswell’. I ‘rarely make decisions’ , leaving it all to him,but when i do make a decision,cue the criticsm.
Lets begin on the behaviour…. He only likes the toilet paper hung a certain way, his clothes folded a certain way, things have places and if they are not in the correct place it drives him mad. I cannot (and i mean CANNOT) talk to him whilst he is getting ready for work, as it can make him enraged, he is very structured on how he gets ready, even if he slept in, he would still go through the same routine. He packs his shopping a certain way and is very fussy about the products we have. I work full time, i was very lucky to get a job in my proffession so that i started within a week of moving. I work long hours, then have to come home, cook, wash up and tidy away. He will just sit on the couch watching tv (his programmes 99% of the time) He will sometimes question how i cooked the meal and criticise if i havent done it the way he would. He even went mad as i used the wrong baking tray once, which i couldnt believe. I have known him to check the things i have washed up, to make sure ive ‘done them properly’. on occasion a plate or cup has gone in the cupboard with a smear, or a knife may have accidently gone back in the drawer without being washed, trivial things yes? No! This sort of thing can leave him in a real mood, and the criticsms can get cutting (you need to grow up, did your mum do everything for you, i cant believe i have to show you how to do this properly, how old are you, you need to act your age)
Ive had the same hairdresser for years and will not change, i coincide trips home to my family with appointments as i cant bear to go anywhere else. He now hates my hair ‘its too weird, short, it was never like that when we first met’ my arguement is that my hairdresser is a trendy one and i like to experiment a bit….always have….always will. He wants me to grow my hair but no chance.
Our last holiday was a nightmare to be honest, he paid for it, which i am greatful for, though never asked him to. We did everything he wanted, ate where he wanted, visited the places he wanted, drank where he wanted and retired to our room when he wanted. my suggestions brought on a curled lip, and sometimes a row, as i ‘only seem to like tourist traps, like a typical annoying tourist’ but my point would be, we are in a spanish town, we are tourists, and whats wrong with trying different things (he has been to this spanish town on a few occasions in the past, so now it seems he has fixed ideas of what is good to do there) I, in the end couldnt wait to get back, and organise a weekend with my family.
I now desperately need a newer car, my little Nissan is falliing apart so i need to get a newer model asap (cant bear to not visit home, had to leave it three months before as things kept ‘coming up’ cannot and will not leave it this long again, that thought leaves me feeling trapped and depressed) He would like to choose my car for me as he believes the model and make i really want is no good, even though i have done my research and it is a fantastic car.
Im debating going to the doctor for anti depressants as feel that low at times, am so homesick it tears me up. I have looked on websites for advice but at times i feel i cant give anymore, ive already given enough, talking doesnt help as the results of that are temporary. I feel really foolish as its obvious something isnt right here, is it my fault….is it me, everyone in my life says no, even some of his freinds (not that he has many) say i deserve a medal. One has offered me a room in her house so that i can have some space, its very very tempting.
Any advice, am i the one in the wrong here, or should i start the ball rolling on returning back (I have lived here nearly a year)
May
I have just read your story with deep sadness and many tears. I have recently left an absive marriage. Like you I moved three hours away from my family to be with him deciding that it was easier for me to move to where he lived. He displayed many signs your partner does and believe me it doesnt get better it only gets worse. My husband was verbally abusive controlling manipulative and played mind games all the time. I spent two years in a state of confusion thinking it was all my fault. He convinced me that I was crazy and refused to speak to me for days and weeks at a time until I sought psychiatric help. I need you to know May that none of this is your fault and sounds like he has a personality flaw. My advice would be to return to your family for support they will understand. You can then start to rebuild your life. You seem a lovely person who deserves better. I want to wish you lots of luck for the future.
Dear May
this is exactly how it started with my husband. I thought I had met the “man of my dreams” it seemed as if we were just meant for each other. Now people ask me how I put up with him for so long, well, when he was good, he was great, loving thoughtful, and we were just so close. After 10 years he has got gradually worse, I was his scapegoat, I got the blame for everything that went wrong. May, the best thing you can do is get out of this relationship and find someone who will love and cherish you. Imagine getting old with this man ? …scary thought is’nt it. I don’t believe these people are really capable of love, it’s all about control. Return to you r family for love and support, Be strong and good luck.
This article and the comments that follow have been tremendously helpful. I thought I was going insane. After 10 years of being with a controlling bully, I have finally seen the light. It was like a game my husband would play, he would be verbally abusive, sulk, threaten, I would be convinced ” right this is THE last time I put up with this” and then he would turn on the charm, beg forgiveness, promise the earth and reel me back in. There would be a few months of good behavour and then BANG, another tantrum, more insults, always worse than the previous. I feel angry at myself for not realising the situation sooner, but it just sort of creeps up on you. I’m not a stupid woman, Im not one of life’s victims, I thought I could help him, I loved him, I wanted my marriage to work. But now my only advice to any woman in this situation is, get out and get out fast, this man will destroy you.
I agree wholeheartedly, if you have done everything in your power to make the marriage work, and he is still trying to control you, then it’s time to call it quits before he destroys you.
But what if the things you’re trying to do to save your relationship are making him feel controlled and are messing with his head or making him feel insecure. What if it’s that destroying your relationship. Some times people just need to sit down and talk rather than try take control of the situation.
I had a relationship with a control freak that lasted 25 years. The longevity was due to the fact that we lived apart for the first 18! During those years he was wonderful (I guess because he controlled the frequency of our meeting) There were signs along the way……….vile, abusive verbal fights noiw and then………………..I always grovelled back. When we started living together is when the MONSTER reared its ugly head and being the smart and totally in love person that I was I bided my time using all the methods that you read about in these cases. I finally left when during one of his particularly horrible verbal abuse tirades I had the vision of myself cutting his heart out while he was still alive…………………..scared the daylights out of me. I left everything of mine behind. It took me 6 months to get my belongings out of his house. After almost a year I am still haunted by visions of what he almost drove me to do.
i am in a relaitionship and im very confused.i see myself as a very good wife i go to wok come home cook the tea do the cleaning and the cooking.i couldnt fault myself.my husband is a lovely man but sometimes he picks at things and wont speak to me for weeks.at the moment its been 7 weeks when we go on holiday everytime he stays in the room and finds a fault.he just ruins the holiday.at the moment i feel like a prisoner in my own home.im so unhappy.
Your life is so like mine.I go to work full time ,always cook a meal when i get home,look after the kids..but nothing is ever right…my brain actually hurts when he eventually finishes with his ranting and shouting…why i stay with my husband who knows … he is such a horrible person..we live in england..we went to Florida for a dream holiday…what a waste of money.he just ruined it ..he sulks, bosses me about til i give in ..i cant go to a certain shop, if i do go (without him knowing) i have to take the labels off..so it dont cause an argument…my family dont visit..they hate it..Sometimes he is nice …but i always pay for this. I could write a book about my husband..why we all have to walk on eggshells..he should be kissing my feet..i treat him like a king and he treats me like a dog…my mum said to me the other day ” 1 day Lisa , you will find the strengh to leave him” ..i hope so ..for my sanitity